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Mum has deteriorated quickly


Registered User
Jan 24, 2019

This isn't my first post, unfortunately, but I usually post in the early stage section.

As I know lots of us do on here, this is really getting things off my chest and hoping once its written down it will make more sense to me too!

My mum (72 yo) has had memory problems for a while now and in hindsight (what a wonderful thing), it has been probably 3 years. It took a turn for the worst last November when she had stroke. She had a live in carer when she first came home, but her recovery was really good and in no time her and my dad (84 yo) were able to deal with things.

She was having regular checks and although I could see some deterioration in her memory, physically she was doing well.

Until two weeks ago.

She had a fit/convulsion/seizure, which in turn caused a small bleed, or quite possibly the other way round! No one can explain it. They discharged her after 2 days, back into my dads care. Her discharge papers said that there was a high level of alcohol in her blood and this is what caused the convulsion/fit/seizure.

We arranged a pop in carer, which wasn't enough.

I finally talked my dad into her going into respite.

It turns out that my mum started drinking when she got over the initial stroke, my dad still won't tell my how much. So she has been a "functioning" alcoholic?

Obviously she is now not drinking. She has been in the home for 9 days and to be honest, I don't see a huge difference.

I thought this would get her back on her feet, she is having physio every day.

She is still having hallucinations, which the care manager puts down to the alcohol withdrawal. When i said she was having them before she said that would be the alcohol!

She has had repeated UTI's (probably the alcohol)!

We have booked her in until 11/09, hoping that by then we will see more of a recovery, or am I just hoping for something that ain't gonna happen!?

Is this it? I keep asking my dad what he feels he can cope with at home and he just shakes his head. He has lost so much weight with worry and now I am concerned about him!

I feel like just sitting in a corner and ignoring it all but i know I can't do that and I know there are no quick fix/fast recovery plans, I just wanted someone else to listen. My poor husband , I am now getting snappy and jumpy about everything.

Phew, that was hard, but cathartic, thank you to everyone who reads this and thoughts to everyone of you who is going through this too.



Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
I’m glad you got that out. DTP is the perfect place to do it.
Could your Mum stay in the home long term?


Registered User
Jan 24, 2019
Thank you @Cat27 for replying so quickly! It could be an option, but it is very expensive. We live in Southern Spain and it is a privately run, British home. They have just told us they will reduce the charges if we book her in longer.......I just don't know how we should book her in for?


Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
hi @JoannePat
I wonder whether booking your mum in until the new year might give your dad time to rest, he sounds exhausted, and time to really show how your mum may be longer term
you and your dad will be able to relax a little more with that longer time frame, so you can both chat things over, look around to see what other options are possible/available and check out the finances


Registered User
Jan 24, 2019
Thank you @Cat27.

@Shedrech I dont think my dad could manage without her for that long, I certainly don't think he would consider it at the moment. I am trying to ease him in to a couple of months at the moment and see how he takes that.


Registered User
Jun 30, 2018
Thank you @Cat27 for replying so quickly! It could be an option, but it is very expensive. We live in Southern Spain and it is a privately run, British home. They have just told us they will reduce the charges if we book her in longer.......I just don't know how we should book her in for?
Hi JoannePat,

Haven't really got any more advice / ideas.Sorry. Mum is near Edinburgh and in a nursing home 94yrs end stage. However, I'm / we're in Spain near Malaga and thought I'd say hello. Where are you?


Registered User
Jan 24, 2019
Hi @garfield3 ,

We are in Mijas Costa, my mum is in Alhaurin de la Torre!

I have spoken to the Care Home this morning and she is still very restless at night, trying to rip her pads off etc. Its distressing watching my mum go down this road and every day I see my dad I see him more and more heart broken.

This morning he told me that he had been laying awake all night worried about the car insurance, now there is nothing to panic about, which i have told him. But we know that demon turns up in the dark and prods us awake, why is it all our fears and troubles feel 64,000,000 times worse in the night!



Registered User
Jan 24, 2019
Just thought I would pop on and have another rant!

My mum had an appointment to see a consultant this week. they call it the internal medicine dr here?! Not sure what you would call it in the UK?

Anyway, the consultant was extremely surprised at mums deterioration and suspects there have been mini seizures, so she has upped the anti-epileptic drugs. They have said she needs a brain scan but not until December, so they can see if the drugs are working? Surely without a before scan they won't know, but what do I know??!!

The most painful thing for us all is that it took three carers to get her in the car and calmed down, apparently she has been very unsettled and upset.

Yesterday she told someone that my dad was her son in law, she didn't react to me at all. Whilst i was having a chat with the care home manager, my mum picked up an imaginary cup, took a drink from it and then put it down again, is this usual/normal?

My dad still thinks she is coming home at some point. We have booked her in for another three months, and he keeps saying, lets see how she is, I am not sure what he expects?

I am knackered, aching, covered in a rash (probably from the constipation!) and now I am snapping at my husband!

So now i am going to curl up and imagine that desert island!



New member
Dec 19, 2018
Hello, I am very sorry to read about your situation with your mom, I hope that things have gotten better since then. Your latest post stated that you have a rash, which you thought was from constipation. I am wondering if this rash was from changing your mom's incontinence diapers, or from coming into contact with her urine or fecal matter instead? I had this problem when changing my mom's incontinence diapers, and developed a rash that was red and painful.


I washed the rash with the dove soap, rinsed the soap off, applied a thick layer of dry baking soda to the rash while the skin was still wet, rinsed it off, and then washed the rash again with the dove soap. I rinsed and dried, and then applied the St. Ives lotion over it. Within a day or two the rash was completely gone. I hope that this works for you, if this rash is still persistent. Thanks.