Mum has Dementia not good at talking to people about it

Tomo91

New member
Apr 2, 2019
2
0
Hey...

My mum has fronto temporal dementia and was diagnosed 3 years after my dad died from throat cancer. They reckon she may have already had it for 2 years prior. They said normally people die with 5 years of getting it and we're now on the 6th year after diagnosis (possibly 11 years of her having the dementia).

I am the youngest of a few and have not had to do a thing in fact to some degree I can't due to the attitudes of my siblings. I used to see her every week but since having a child who is now two, probably only see her a handful of times in the year.

She's not happy and I can't do anything she indicates that she doesn't want to be here anymore and I try and brush it off when I see her and say positive things but I have no idea how much of her is left and it's hard sometimes. I don't know how to deal with it sometimes... I use my kid as an excuse to not see her (I can't take them to the care home as it wouldn't be fair on her). She was such an intelligent woman and the people in the care home don't see that, they'll never see how much she's lost...

Just needed to let this out...
 

oscar1717

New member
Apr 2, 2019
3
0
Hey...

My mum has fronto temporal dementia and was diagnosed 3 years after my dad died from throat cancer. They reckon she may have already had it for 2 years prior. They said normally people die with 5 years of getting it and we're now on the 6th year after diagnosis (possibly 11 years of her having the dementia).

I am the youngest of a few and have not had to do a thing in fact to some degree I can't due to the attitudes of my siblings. I used to see her every week but since having a child who is now two, probably only see her a handful of times in the year.

She's not happy and I can't do anything she indicates that she doesn't want to be here anymore and I try and brush it off when I see her and say positive things but I have no idea how much of her is left and it's hard sometimes. I don't know how to deal with it sometimes... I use my kid as an excuse to not see her (I can't take them to the care home as it wouldn't be fair on her). She was such an intelligent woman and the people in the care home don't see that, they'll never see how much she's lost...

Just needed to let this out...
 

oscar1717

New member
Apr 2, 2019
3
0
Hi there, I am a new member and just read your post I truely understand where you are , you feel so guilty for wanting the mum you remember back and guilty for looking at how she is now and seeing some frail stranger looking back at you. I spend half my time trying to work out if my mum is aware where she is and worrying if she uunderstands what is happening. So don’t feel bad there are hundreds of us in your place x
 

Tomo91

New member
Apr 2, 2019
2
0
I'm just worried that she is in there still and just can't tell us about it... everyone else seems to at least have been able to help in some way and I can't even motivate myself to visit her. I feel more guilty about not feeling guilty about it than I do about not going to see her...
 

oscar1717

New member
Apr 2, 2019
3
0
Emotions are strange things and just by being on this site shows you care. Not everyone is the same and we all deal with things differently I’d love to get in my car and not look back but I put on my big girl pants paint on a smile and visit just in case it’s a good day and I get mum back for an hour. But I cannot deny its bloody difficult and I do resent it sometimes then I end up in tears feeling disloyal and admitting I’m not the daughter I should be but if any one is honest this disease effects everyone in some way and what ever anyone does it’s never enough
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
Hello @Tomo91, welcome to the forum, which I hope you will find to be a friendly, informative and supportive place.

I have to agree with that feeling of being at a loss as to what to do at times. I find that dealing with my wife, who has dementia, can be as tricky as trying to nail jelly to a wall.

One thing that struck me is what you mum says. Apathy, anxiety and depression are common bedfellows of dementia and my wife is treated for these as well as her dementia. I wonder if it may be worth suggesting a meds review as if these are issues they could be treated and improve life for everyone.

There is a Society Factsheet about this issue and you can see that by clicking the second line of the following link
Apathy, depression and anxiety (444)
PDF printable version
 

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