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Mum has dementia but its her partner driving me insane !

Maria37

Registered User
Mar 20, 2021
19
0
My 85 year old mum needs 24 hour care, she is never left alone, im the main carer amongst my siblings. Whilst I can comprehend all what it entails looking after mum, what I didnt take into account nor expect is this.
Mums partner....they have lived together 20 years or so, and as much as I like him, not many people can be around him for more than a minute they need to be. He is the most negative person I think I know! Along with his constant moaning about his own ill health, his experiences in life and everything else in between he is draining the life out of me. I've bit my lip, I've ignored him, yesterday he swore at me, I swore back and I honestly wish he would just leave.
It's mums house and her partner, so I don't feel I have the right to intervene by separating them. If he left I would need to move in with mum, whereas if he stays at least I get to come home in the mornings, sleep and have my own life till 8.30 each night when I return to stay overnight.
Him and mum bicker all day long, she probably mid stage, but he still continues to correct her, which is pointless, remind her of things, again pointless.
She may say something like she going to see her mum, instead of using common sense and simply making something up, he'll tell her her mum has passed away, then she goes through that grief again. I can't begin to explain how many times myself and family members have spoke to him and explained why not to do this, but I'm now convinced he's either stupid or cruel. I honestly don't know where to go from here, he is depressing the life out of me and making this tough journey even tougher. Also, he never ever goes out, he's obese so no one ever gets chance to just focus on mum, it's all about him. Has anyone else been in this predicament ? Any advice please on how to keep my sanity ?
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
4,338
0
Midlands
I dont believe he is either stupid or cruel.
he is continuing in exactly the same way as he always has,


Its all very well wanting him to leave, but its his life too, his home, I am sure he is as frustrated as you.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,895
0
South coast
Whenever I hear stories like this about a spouse/partner who just doesnt seem to "get" dementia, keeps making the same mistakes over and over again and everything always has to be about them, a bit of me wonders whether they have early stage dementia too...
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
3,430
0
High Peak
It must be very hard for him. It may be that he imagined your mum looking after him in their old age and now she has dementia he may be fearful for his own future. He might feel that your way of dealing with your mum's delusions (i.e. distracting when she mentions dead relatives, which I'd agree is the right way to go...) is giving up on her and that if he could only explain things and bring her back to 'reality' everything will be OK. It seems he just doesn't really understand the enormity of dementia.

However, unfortunately it seems he's also a really annoying person! I get that and can understand how your life and looking after your mum would be so much easier if you didn't have him to contend with. But... he is her partner so I think you have to continue to grit your teeth and tread carefully. As you say, if he were to leave you'd have to move in with your mother so perhaps be careful what you wish for!
 

Tricot

Registered User
Jun 20, 2017
148
0
France
I'm now convinced he's either stupid or cruel.
How awful for you. I think I'd come to the same conclusion or, just possibly as others have suggested, he's ill too. Is there a third party outside of the family who could help him to understand how to respond to your mum? Maybe they could draw his attention to the compassionate communication document?

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

So sorry you have to put up with his behaviour as well as worrying about your mum.
 

Maria37

Registered User
Mar 20, 2021
19
0
For those who agree or disagree with me, thank you for all replies. I dont do any social media but knowing I can vent in a safe place, with no discrimination of how each individual deals with the hand they've been dealt.
So it been a rocky 24 hours at least, in the 48 hours mums been home I myself have had to remove myself from the situation. I honestly don't know who for whose safety first.
What I've witnessed is not love nor care.
She eats little and if she wants trifle for breakfast, then so be it, it's calories. That reminds me I need to order her drinks. So he can tend to all his needs on his shopping list, he can go the kebab shop, he can carry over two dozen litres of vodka home and reach them to the top shelf. Whilst mum in rehab these last 5 weeks we have made safe and thoroughly redeemed mums house. He fought every single step of the way, from not letting me throw mums high heels out, for God's safe she 85 on a zimmer, to not letting me touch any single item belonging to him. Including a mouldy stinking, rotted leather jacket that I don't know what month or that Sunday it ever fitted but in over twenty years he's never been smaller than xxxxl, id say its xl .
We need to make space for aids, commode, wheelchair, zimmer, and he puts a barrier up against every thing I try to do.
He keeps giving her lighters, knowing she fell asleep coming home in car with lit ciggy in her hand and driving I had to tell him, he didn't notice. Honestly the list goes on and on.
Well anyway the pot boiled over this morning. Mum had a birthday party yesterday, I didnt go, I couldn't, he denied me of that cos I couldn't bare to see him laugh and jest with family.

On and yes, my family, each and everyone at the end of there tether with him, so much so one brother will no longer visit due to his presence. He's robbing him of what bit of quality time he has between work and life.
As for moving in with mum....I hand on heart can not promise anyone as a non drinker, that I won't dip into his stash. I have only 4 brothers, so personal care its on the agenda waiting for carer to attend to that each morning.
He is the only one mum feels comfortable around getting washed or dressed, she just needs supervising, since her return home sat, he's neither encouraged nor prompted her to get washed or dressed. She refuses my assistance and he's not liking the idea of another person in the house.

So anyway, I heard mum shuffling this morning, and as I opened my now bedroom door it was like a scene with Annie wilks asking who had moved her penguin.

He just starts roaring at me, where's my dolls! Me suitcase he's shouting with me dolls in, where have you put me dolls and me suitcase, oh yes I forgot that outburst was filled with lots of cursing, where me dolls.
Never before have I woken to a obese 73 year old mad in American tan support stocking screaming where's my dolls.
Enough, my own father never swore at me, nor has my son, my 4 brothers nor my partner ever spoke nor swore at me like that.

In her capacity never would my mother allow him to speak to her in that manner and certainly not her daughter.
Mum got really upset, I calmed down and said right before I go speak to me about any issues in a adult manner, but no, he simple couldn't stating getting all hostile. Once mum went back to bed. I left, tended to other issues, returned home to mine for freshen up before I went back, then I cracked, tears of rage and anger and helplessness and these last 6 weeks of dealing with him took its toll.
I spoke to my brothers, mum is safe now with family stepping in till I gather some strength to return wed evening.,
I'm sleep deprivated at moment, I can be somewhat hasty and irrational in my actions.
For me to provide the care mum needs, I simply can't do it in his presence. I have told only my partner my plan on going forward and this is it.
I'll return Wednesday, give us both a bit of cooling of time, my brothers has a word today ! Oh yes that doll he was screaming about, it was a meerkat insurance doll thing . No sentimental attachment, just a doll he likes, I've not thrown or really touched anything of his, so I had to move his doll inside the suitcase that was on top of the wardrobe that was falling apart hoarding all his clothes that don't fit him to rearrange the room to make space for mum.
Anyway what was I saying ...oh yes, I'm probably writing to myself by now sleep 😴 but that's OK, I find writing therapeutic.
Oh right so yep, on my return ill tend to mum whilst serving him coffee ...we spent weeks decorating, he'd get up and just make his own coffee. So regressing again, the moment he swears at me or mum, shows me any hostility, I shall remain calm as the next opportunity I get if he ever leaves the house I will have someone take mum to theirs so she's not there to witness him coming home to me having the locks changed.
I shall remain inside, I expect he will call the police.
I am mums daughter, I'm her named carer, my brother has power of attorney, the property is my mums, he has a good pension and a property of his own that's unsuitable as he can't use stairs, but he also has a daughter. She lives alone, has learning difficulties, but she also has a downstairs bathroom and couch. Harsh some may think, but as I write this on my mums 85th birthday, independence day my gift to her is me time, for the first time since leaving school , I came out of work as mum went into rehab unit. I'm a person of very basic needs, we won't starve. I've not long finished my mortgage, so yep when the police turn up I'll state my concern, remind them they are not married, this is mums house, and im her legal carer.
I expect some brothers or others may say I'm acting to quick. My reply will be I'm re acting.
Whilst I tuck mum into bed with a hot water bottle hearing her whimper in pain, as my heart breaking he's sat in living room in his shorts and support stocking, eating magnum lollices like the freezer has just broke.
Then later...ohh he was very coy about how he sneaked in the vodka he drank straight may I add.
So if anyone got to the end of rant, congratulations your life is as bad as mine right now.

Oh and yep I know I curse, but to me it's in my personal context..he directly called me stupid over another earlier argument...topic of that one, carrier bags.
Someone, anyone, please 🙏
Wow I've been writing various things for hours, the sun has just come up, it peaceful and safe here.
Before I try to sign off I'll leave you with this cracker mum done tonight.
So knowing I wasn't staying my sister in law rang mum to make sure she was in bed and OK, so she says to mum, Me and Tom will pick you up tomorrow, bring you down here for the day, sit in their beautiful garden, have some lovely food and then the kids will come round and poppy will put on a show for you, so mum said yes OK, wait till I ask him, so she shouts him and he shouts back ...what....she says 😄 do you wanna get married tomorrow!!! He shouts back what are you talking about, she shouted, its a simple yes or no question , do you wanna get married, they've got all the right people and it's all ready.
23 years he's quite literally begged mum to marry him, she has actually told him no 🙈🙉🙊
So on another plus point, I've lost a stone in six weeks, 1.5 to go then im fighting fit. 💪
 
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Maria37

Registered User
Mar 20, 2021
19
0
And as to feeling insecure, approx year ago, a family meeting was had, all affairs put into order, and he solemly had our promise, and the family never squealch on their word but we promised him until the day he dies he will remain in that house, never in a million years would any of us put him out or charged him rent. He knew this. Up until now therr had never born any issues.

But I'm only wanting and needing to help. When I'm there, I tend to mum, clean up give them there own space, put her to bed then retire to spare room.
Also I hasten to add when he goes toilet I hear everything.
I know its nature, but at least try control the groan.
I know, im being cruel now, I'm picking, but I cant help it.
The other morning I was greeted by the delightful vision of him shuffling about in his to small tee shirt and just glad what appeared to be a pair of underpants fitted. Had he been commando, id have packed his bags there and then.
That's actual fact, sometimes I'm mistaken for jesting and underestimated in when my enough is enough moment actually does happen.
If my own dad ever walked around without a robe, it would have been simply because we couldn't afford it, but he always made himself decent, own home or not.
In one of her most present moments she said don't be walking round the house like that, for God's sake put something on, he mumbled something angrily telling her to shut up.
If he's like that when I'm there, what's he like when alone.
I love how writing gives the gift of clarity.
I'll take whatever help and tools I can get on this journey, if my outlet is to write, and this is the place I choose to do it, then I'll happily write to me myself and I all day .
 

Maria37

Registered User
Mar 20, 2021
19
0
Pps, mums 85, he's 73, so I don't think he was expecting her to care for him, even though he had to be shown how their 10 year old washing machine works. Sorry picking again. With his obesity she has always run round after him.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,895
0
South coast
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Such a difficult situation. Could you contact Social Services safeguarding about your mum?

I must say, though, with regard to her partner = the more you write, the more it sounds like dementia to me; the sudden explosive anger over nothing, the loss of inhibitions (including swearing), the way he made coffee for himself but no-one else, the lack of recognition of others needs, the way he doesnt seem to be able to join up the dots (letting her sleep with a lit cigarette is dangerous), not allowing anyone to touch his things. You previously said about how he makes the same mistakes over and over again and everything has to be about him. Even the dementia sweet tooth. It all sounds so much like my OH.
 

Maria37

Registered User
Mar 20, 2021
19
0
Yes, I'm familiar with that brief, when diagnosed we were given information and face sheets, he just passed them on to me and your her carer, to my knowledge he didn't read anything.
I honestly have tried to explain her condition and all it entails, and he's simply not grasping it. He was up the rehab unit on every single available visit he could get, quite often twice a day, pining for her like a puppy. Other members of the family have suggested he's unaware but actually I'll himself, both sister in laws are in agreement he's narcissist. Never ever in a million years would I ever thought of soft, kind hearted good old, placid, reliable Mr Wilkes end up like this.
Once he's out the property, if he goes and seeks some professional advice, im quite sure one of the others would even go with him to explain to his doctor how out of character this is for him.
I know people will say give him that opportunity before you change the locks, but would you choose to sleep in the next room to a heavy drinker, full of hostility towards you. I should at the very least feel safe, as should mum first and foremost.
This behaviour needs addressing, and a short sharp is required now.
 

Maria37

Registered User
Mar 20, 2021
19
0
Canary, thank you so much, I suppose I've been to far in the woods to see the trees, and only now spending so much time there and your words I am now joining the dots.
After a good sleep and new found realisation, I'll speak to one of my brothers about going to see doctor himself, between the rest of family there will be someone prepared to go with him and voice their concerns. Than you🙏
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,895
0
South coast
'll speak to one of my brothers about going to see doctor himself, between the rest of family there will be someone prepared to go with him and voice their concerns.
It might be wise to write a good old fashioned letter (which can be scanned and added to medical records) to his GP outlining your concerns before he goes to his appointment. Even if he wont go now, it will remain thereon his records for when he does go (for any reason)
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
12,480
0
Yorkshire
Hi @Maria37
I am not sure where you stand legally if you change the locks to keep him out ... before you do, speak with a solicitor who deals with tenants, lodgers, landlords and their rights
 

Maria37

Registered User
Mar 20, 2021
19
0
Thankyou, I also intend to speak to the social worker mum was assigned in the rehabilitation hub.
Now that mum is out of their care I'm unsure as to whether she will now be assigned a different one, if so do I need to apply for one.
Sister in law is there tonight, he's ranting and swearing at her and mum, big angry outbursts cos by habit mum keeps turning the dial on new radiator, but doing that now empties it. Fitter is to resolve any further accidents tomorrow, but he kept telling mum shes bloody stupid that he keeps telling her not to do it.. sister in law spoke up telling him for the millionth time there's no point in reminding her. He roared at her so you're a ****in doctor now. She said no but I do have experience caring for my own father for 15 years with dementia.
I'm waiting to find out when entire family free for a meeting, including him. I'll see someone obviously takes mum out.
Things need addressing, his drinking, his new found anger, his lack of cooperation, we will point this all out.
He either complies to going to doctors, and spending two consecutive nights in my brothers to give us all a break from each other, and speak to me in the manner he speaks to my brothers. He only ever argues with women, including neighbours on both sides!?
Or find alternative accommodation, if he doesn't play ball I still will get locks changed as soon as I can seize the opportunity. I'll explain everything to mums social worker and explain they have a duty of care for my mums safeguarding and I'm informing them that I believe him to be detrimental to mums well being.
That way to all the people around me who have opinions on mum, if them locks get changed I can then say I gave you all the opportunity to try and find a solution and there isn't any other way.
If he has dementia, I will not be taking care of him also, and as he's turned nasty he will have to leave.
If he doesn't himself have dementia or any other explanation for his behaviour then he will still have to leave as a drunken, angry unpredictable person, I wouldn't choose to leave my pet in their care.
 

Maria37

Registered User
Mar 20, 2021
19
0
Hi @Maria37
I am not sure where you stand legally if you change the locks to keep him out ... before you do, speak with a solicitor who deals with tenants, lodgers, landlords and their rights
Brother is there today sifting through paper work, looks for deeds on mums bungalow 👍
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,895
0
South coast
Brother is there today sifting through paper work, looks for deeds on mums bungalow 👍
Paper deeds on property are no longer issued - it is just registered with the land registry.
So, depending on how long since the property has changed ownership, there may not be any deeds to find.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
12,480
0
Yorkshire
Actually, @Maria37 I meant that you are unlikely legally to be able to lock someone out of their home of so many years ... he may well not be named on the deeds if the property is your mother's ... that doesn't mean that he has no rights to be there or that you can force him to leave, especially with no notice ... however obnoxiously he may behave

You wrote that he has been told your family will not charge rent or ask him to leave ... and that he is her partner

I think you need legal advice
 

Maria37

Registered User
Mar 20, 2021
19
0
Actually, @Maria37 I meant that you are unlikely legally to be able to lock someone out of their home of so many years ... he may well not be named on the deeds if the property is your mother's ... that doesn't mean that he has no rights to be there or that you can force him to leave, especially with no notice ... however obnoxiously he may behave

You wrote that he has been told your family will not charge rent or ask him to leave ... and that he is her partner

I think you need legal advice
Rehab released her into my care, not is as they have seen he is incapable of looking after her. If anything happens yo mum in my absence, I have to answer to that. He is making it intolerable to care for mum. Spoke to mums social worker, expressed my concerns ie removing safety measures, bed monitor.
He is a hazard and a danger. If he refuses to move in with brother and visit mum supervised, I have no other option but to place mum in a home. Screaming and shouting at mum, neglecting her basic needs is abuse. I have told all 5his to social worker today, say I will notify them how family meeting went hopefully Friday.
Thank you for your time, much appreciated 🙏
 

Maria37

Registered User
Mar 20, 2021
19
0
Paper deeds on property are no longer issued - it is just registered with the land registry.
So, depending on how long since the property has changed ownership, there may not be any deeds to find.
She bought this bungalow approx 10 years ago ?