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Mum has been diagnosed with "some dementia"

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Registered User
Sep 28, 2013
Hello all
4 weeks ago mum was a lively 91 year old living in her own upstairs flAt, doing her daily hand wash! She was cooking for herself, no ready meals allowed, ironing, hovering etc. She wouldn't't venture out on her own but walked round her flAt without help and held my arm when we we 're out. One day she seemed more confused than usual and was saying something about her leg hurting a bit. The following morning she fell, said she knew she was going and her leg gave way. She couldn't get herself up and I was alerted when the hairdresser got no reply. Once off the floor she seemed reasonably ok except couldn't take weight on her legs so I called ambulance.

It is now 4 weeks on and mum is still in hospital but awaiting discharge. The docs have said a little something went on in her heart and brain scan showed some atrophy consistent with her 91 years. She is bored stiff, can walk pretty fast with her frame and some days is a bit confused. The mental health assessor says she is happy not to put her through tests etc to be told what we know.

Our question now is where she should go. Not to her upper flAt. The choices are to mine. Turn dining room into bedroom and get carers in. We work self employed but can't avoid being out all day sometimes. And the big question is could I cope with the personal caring and do I want to? The hospital believe residential care to be preferable. We have found a small local homely home within funding etc. We've not had any deep discussions with Mum yet but she seems accepting that we will do what's best. My sister and brother will support whatever I think but they live hundreds of miles away.

I wonder how anyone ever knows how to make the right decisions and handle the guilt :)

Thanks for listening and any advice most welcome x


Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
Most of us don't know how to get rid of the guilt, we just learn to live with it. Knowing you have made the right decision for your mum and your family always makes me feel better. If you are out all day and your mum needs 24/7 support the residential home seems like the place that can offer that the best.

In all honesty dementia is something that will only get progressively worse, many carers sometimes need a safe room to go to, their needs increase never decrease, you could be up at night with her, then have to go to work.

Many have tried caring for a person with dementia by taking them into their homes but on this site I have read a few success stories but have read many cries for help when they just kind cope. I couldn't cope with my Mum living with me, I wouldn't even try. It may well be kinder rather than to move her in with you, then to the residential home to get her settled into the residential home so there's only one move.

It's your decision of course and I'm no expert, just a carer, but you'd have to be a braver man woman than I am to try.

A warm warm welcome to you to TP.
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