1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Mum has been diagnosed with both vascular dementia and Alzheimer's

Discussion in 'Recently diagnosed and early stages of dementia' started by sunshine1965, Jan 29, 2016.

  1. sunshine1965

    sunshine1965 Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    12
    My Mum had her assessment just before Christmas. Dad, me and my brother were all with her when it was carried out at home. Today I had a phone call from my Dad who is 83 and suffers from COPD to say the memory nurse had popped in, they weren't expecting her, and gave Mum the diagnosis. She spent time discussing things with them and left them a wealth of literature to look at. We were expecting it but I still feel totally overwhelmed and frightened by what lay ahead. My Mum was the powerhouse behind their marriage and poor Dad isn't one of life's copers. For a while now I have sorted out their finances and taken over gardening, cleaning and ironing as Mum has become less and less interested. My husband and two of my three daughter's are disabled and I am their full time carer. I'm scared that I won't be able to be there for everyone. My brother is very much on the sidelines, I've told him he has to step up but every time a letter drops on the mat or help is needed its me Mum and Dad turn to. For the past two weeks I have been at the hospital every day with my eldest daughter, I phone Mum and Dad every day but they still tell me how much they miss me if they don't see me a couple of times a week. My brother can go weeks and nothing is said. I know I sound selfish, Mum is the one with the condition, not me. I couldn't say this to anyone else but I feel like such a bad person because everyone needs a piece of me but I'm exhausted.
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,765
    Merseyside
    Don't feel bad. You gave got an enormous amount on your plate.
    Do you think your parents need carers?
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,672
    Kent
    You cannot take on this level of responsibility without your own health suffering. Please ask for help and if the family can`t provide it get it from the professionals.
     
  4. Pear trees

    Pear trees Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    442
    Not being able to do everything yourself does not make you a bad person. Get whatever professional help you are entitled to through social services, and apply for attendance allowance, and see if you can get a cleaner once a week, and only iron what shows if at all!
    Maybe look at lunch clubs or day centres and community transport for both of them, they will enjoy it and it will give you time with your family.
    Maybe your brother could do the garden bimonthly and do shopping online for them.
     
  5. sunshine1965

    sunshine1965 Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    12
    Thank you for your suggestion

    I don't know what support is out there. It's early days I suppose but I don't know where to start to be honest. I know it sounds silly but I'm too exhausted by the thought of jumping through the hoops of asking for help for them.
     
  6. sunshine1965

    sunshine1965 Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    12
    Thank you for your advice

    I have talked to my brother until I'm blue in the face. He makes the right noises but that's about it. My parents always look to me and not my brother because I get things done. I'm a bit like their security blanket. I wouldn't know where to start asking for professional help and the thought of the process is exhausting. I've recently fought to tribunal success with my eldest daughter for enhanced care for PIP and it took months with hours and hours of preparation on my part. My husband has PIP Assessment on Monday and the forms were a killer. It's time I have to make in the early hours and its just too much.
     
  7. sunshine1965

    sunshine1965 Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    12
    Thank you for your advice

    It's knowing where to start. Dad has agreed to a gardener but I'm still waiting for my brother to sort that out and that's been since last September:mad:
     
  8. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    I think you need to admit that your brother is not going to do anytjing, and make other plans. A gardener and a cleaner was the furst thing i sorted for my mum. Yellow pages or ask neighbours. For the care side ask the dementis nurse or parents gp for an urgent assessment for both parents and a carers assessment for you. Then take it from there. Scream bloody murder and tell them you MUST have help. Keep posting as lits of advice and support here. We have all walked this road. Its hard and scary butvtry not to panic. Make list and put it on the fridge. Worry about one thing at a time. Lots of love quilty
     
  9. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    Some cleanrs will also do ironing. If your parents are church goers that is a good eay to find cleaners and gardeners. They either do it for the church or other members. Also consider a private home help. I considered this for my mum but she quickly needed a care package.
     
  10. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,482
    Radcliffe on Trent
    #10 Pickles53, Jan 30, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2016
    Attendance allowance has already been mentioned, you may also be eligible for Carers Allowance and your parents should be eligible fir a discount on council tax (look for SMI on council's website or phone them to ask how to apply).

    But the first thing if you don't already have it is Lasting Power of Attorney for finances and health and welfare for both mum and dad. You can download the forms from the gov.uk website and you don't need a solicitor. If you are going to have the sole responsibility for making the many decisions ahead, you need the legal authority to do so. Whatever help is needed, it should be paid from your parents' funds, not yours, and sooner or later you will therefore need access to their bank accounts.

    I have a brother and a sister but although they were supportive of my decisions about mum, they were not keen to offer any practical help. I got used to it pretty quickly, and having read quite a few posts on here where siblings are disagreeing I realise that indifference from siblings wasn't the worst problem. If your brother doesn't want to help, that's on his conscience and you shouldn't waste any time or energy worrying about it.

    Local branches of Age UK often have lists of reliable tradesmen/cleaners/gardeners who are trustworthy and don't rip off elderly vulnerable people.
     

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