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Mum has been admitted to a care home

bensusu

New member
Apr 15, 2020
9
After a very worrying and stressful few weeks of Mum falling over, and going in to find her on the floor, myself and Brother made the decision, with Mum in agreement, well as best she could, that a care home was needed. She became almost incapable of walking, and I decided to take time off work last week, as could no longer manage my job and Mum, so I was with her most of last week, washing her, and doing everything for her, and I mean everything, I cant believe the deterioration of this illness over 10 days. I was exhausted and although my brother was on hand to help, he was not able to help with personal stuff, so had to watch whilst I struggled with this, and was worried for my health. We had the care staff come and visit last Thursday, and it was agreed she would go in Saturday.....It was the hardest thing ive ever had to do, I packed and prepared everything I thought she would need, and I was able to go to her room with her, wearing a mask and gown...then I left about an hour half later...I thought that would be the hardest thing over and done with, but no the heartache continues, and we are now in phone calls to her, begging and pleading with us to go and get her, when are you coming to get me, you are no son an daughter of mine, you are going to leave me to die in here....and so many more horrible and vile comments....im beside myself, and although I have the support of my brother, partner and friends, who are there every day, Im feeling very low, guilty and a bad person. My mind if filled with her all day, even if I do something nice, I think to myself, I shouldnt be doing this, as mum is sat in a care home, this cant be right...I know it will take time, but this is aweful....
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
207
Hi @bensusu i am not in that place yet with my OH, so I can’t imaging all that you are feeling, but I know that there are many on here to give better advice. I do know that to continue as you were, is no life for you or your mother. She is in the best possible place for her full time care, and I think you have to cut yourself some slack.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,774
Nottinghamshire
Your mum will have forgotten she could do nothing for herself and how much you struggled to keep her safe and look after her. I know it's very difficult for you as you can't visit to reassure yourself but your mum is now in a place where she will be warm and fed and entertained by a whole team of people who know what they're doing.
I struggled to keep my dad at home for far too long but once he'd settled into his carehome I realised I should have moved him sooner for both our sakes...I spent the first four weeks plotting his escape though!

Give it time. Does she have her own phone? Sometimes seeing the phone can trigger constant phonecalls and demands to be taken home and delay settling in and accepting the new home.
 

fortune

Registered User
Sep 12, 2014
146
My mum was pretty miserable the first few seeks at her care home. Wouldn't come out of her room or talk to other people. It tool a while but she really is fairly settled now - has completely forgotten her house. I hate to say this but, once I was happy with how the home was run I decided that my visits were not helping and stopped going for three weeks. When I did go back mum seemed to have simply accepted the situation. Until lockdown I was visiting 3-4 times a week and we were both happy with the situation. It is awful, but as you say it will get better. You all know that it is the best alternative on offer, so hang on to that in your mind.
 

Chaplin

Registered User
May 24, 2015
71
Bristol
Hello, you’ve had some good advice and I would just add, when my mum moved into her care home last October, we had her room phone removed as we knew she would be calling asking us to take her home! My dad is 85 and can’t handle that stress so ask if the phone can only accept incoming calls from you and your brother. My mum couldn’t remember any numbers but we didn’t want to risk it! Until lockdown my mum had two visits per day from family. As hard has lockdown has been and she still asks when she’s coming home, you learn to tell little love lies to help her settle and give you some peace of mind. Please try not to let it consume you everyday, you need to be in a good place when they finally let us visit our loved one’s again. You should ask the Carers how your mum is most of the time, I am sure she is kept busy and well cared for by people who know how to handle this settling in phase. Everything you feel is normal but don’t beat yourself up!
 

bensusu

New member
Apr 15, 2020
9
Hi
Thank you all for your replies, which have helped so much, Ive come to realise there are so many of us going through the same thing, and I know as the days pass, we hopefully will learn to deal with everything much better. I hope to have a normal, well as normal as we can, conversation with her again one day, as I do miss her, but at the moment, this seems a long way off, she just rants all the time, and ended my last call on Friday with ****** off then!! she must really hate us at the moment, which is a horrible thought as we have always helped her so much, but even without the illness mum was one of those people who no matter what you did, or how much, it was never enough....so I doubt we will ever make her happy x
 

Joolesy

New member
Sep 26, 2019
3
Bensusu , a year ago my active, independent 92 year old mum began having falls & after a week of having the ambulance called five times & two visits to a&e she was admitted with a fractured pelvis. The pain & fear along with the morphine resulted in her having delirium & she was in hospital for 2 1/2 weeks.
We had one afternoon to find a care home for her to be transferred to from hospital as they said she would be unsafe to remain at home & we were blessed with securing her a place at a wonderful home.
Sadly the delirium eased its way into dementia and my lovely kind caring mum became a completely different person in a very short period of time.
Your post has resonated with me so profoundly as I am still struggling with my mum not being my mum anymore & I’m still shocked by the speed at which this happened.
I was invited by the home to have a 15 minute socially distant visit with mum in their garden yesterday (the first time seeing her in three months) & sadly mum was not happy to see me. She said as much in 15 mins to make me feel as awful as possible & was not pleased to see me at all. I was very close to her before & like you feel that she hates me now.
For me the lockdown has given me a chance to de-stress myself and try to understand that mum can’t help her aggressive attitude toward me - it is her illness talking & although I still left feeling very upset yesterday, I was able to move on and let it go a bit easier.
I’m sure (& am reassured by the staff at the home) that mum does spend much of the time being happy and joining in with activities. I know that she is safe and well looked after.
I’m sorry this goes on a bit- but my first post on here & it’s all coming out!!
Please,please, please do not beat yourself up with guilt- it’s not your fault (or your mums), and it becomes habit forming.
I’m only just beginning to put into words how it’s made me feel- I would say now that I’m out of my depth and feel so inadequate, but reading through many posts here offers encouragement and has made me realise that we are not alone.
I wish you and your family the ability to find the peace that you deserve & hope you will allow yourself some guilt free happiness. xx
 

Kapow

Registered User
Nov 17, 2019
30
I fully understand your feelings.MyOH occasionally says"Oh you just want me to go in a home.."and of course I know he doesn't realise what he's saying,but it doesn't stop how hurt it makes you feel,and even though you try your hardest it doesn't quite seem enough at times and so you feel guilty.Sometimes it's hard to not break down with the sheer enormity of what lies ahead....Somehow you HAVE to consider yourself in all this because YOU matter too...
 

Louise83

Registered User
Feb 5, 2019
82
I'm waiting on the assessment from the social as also decided to move mum to a care home. I know for sure she will hate me, say I'm trying to get rid of her etc. Dreading it, but know it's not really her speaking, and I'm not the only one who goes through this.

As said above, you matter just as much as your mum.
 

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