Mum has Alzheimers and Dad isn't coping well

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Claireybella, Aug 5, 2015.

  1. Claireybella

    Claireybella Registered User

    Sep 13, 2011
    16
    Portsmouth
    Hi, I will try and keep this brief as I don't want to use up everyone's valuable time.

    Mum has had alzheimers for a good 6 years now. Has deteriorated quickly this year. She is on some kind of patches for medication. Dad looks after her and they both live in their house together.

    In the last couple of weeks Dad's health has suddenly plummeted, not sure what's wrong but he is short of breath, almost fainting etc. He quite often snaps at Mum when she says something stupid or unrelated to what he's talking about and she often when asked to get her shoes on goes upstairs and gets pillows rather than shoes.

    I really feel that my Dad isn't coping and needs some support.......is there anything that is available to them or my Mum? Dad won't go to any groups himself as he's a proud and stubborn man and doesn't want to leave Mum as he's never left her in the 50 years they have been married!

    Mum gets a home visit every 6 mths from a memory nurse and each time she scores worse........any advice as to what we can do to help them would be much appreciated. Dad won't look for help and doesn't feel they deserve any!

    TIA

    x
     
  2. joggyb

    joggyb Registered User

    Dec 1, 2014
    119
    Would he read a book? If so, Oliver James' book, 'Contented Dementia' is very insightful and helpful for understanding this disease - and how to cope with it if you're the carer.

    It includes a handful of really basic but fundamental tips that might make the world of difference both to your dad and mum.
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,803
    Female
    South coast
    I think your dad really aught to go to the doctors to find out why he is getting short of breath and feeling faint. Its important that he looks after himself if he wishes to continue caring.
     
  4. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,992
    Suffolk
    Maybe point out to him that if he has health problems he will get worse and not be able to look after Mum?
     
  5. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,182
    Dad's help.

    I assume he has worked for most of his life.
    Remind him, that it's now that he gets, the benefit of all the National Insurance contribution's he's paid over the years.
    This will come in the form of help, to allow him to continue caring for his wife.
    He may have to make some payments for care coming in, but this will just make his NI Contributions go further.

    (National Insurance used to be known as the "Stamp" This was a special stamp that employers brought on the workers behalf, and stuck on a receipt card, which the worker took from job to job. Hence the expression "Given your Cards" meaning you'd lost your job. In the old day when you had a pay packet with cash in it, you felt how flexible it was. Too stiff, you'd been given your cards.)

    If you can persuade him that he's already paid towards the help they clearly need, he may accept.

    Bod
     
  6. Claireybella

    Claireybella Registered User

    Sep 13, 2011
    16
    Portsmouth
    Thanks joggyb, I don't think he would bother to be honest. It's the days he's not well that he snaps at her.
     
  7. Claireybella

    Claireybella Registered User

    Sep 13, 2011
    16
    Portsmouth
    Totally agree canary. Me and my sisters will try and persaude him when we see him Sunday. He's soooo stubborn and proud!
     
  8. Claireybella

    Claireybella Registered User

    Sep 13, 2011
    16
    Portsmouth
    Thanks Spamar. Yes same as what canary said really. It's my mission this weekend to persuade him to get checked over.
     
  9. Claireybella

    Claireybella Registered User

    Sep 13, 2011
    16
    Portsmouth
    Hi Bod yes he worked all his life as a police officer so has a fairly good pension and until recently has been a very fit and healthy 77 year old. He definitely thinks they aren't eligible for help. Who does he contact to kick all this off?
     
  10. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,803
    Female
    South coast
    It was Age UK who kick started it all for mum. They were very good, knew what was available (in both help with care and things like Attendance Allowance) and got the ball rolling.
     
  11. henfenywfach

    henfenywfach Registered User

    May 23, 2013
    332
    rct
    Hi!

    I am my dad's carer and have been for ages. He has dementia. He has been my mum's carer for 30 odd years .
    When couples have been together for years and certainly of a different generation..There seems to be an inbuilt stubbornness that prevents them from accepting help. Even if both are struggling.
    Everyone's entitled to want to cope on their..but the emotional aspect of watching this happen was too much.
    We do now attend groups but still my dad in a blink of an eye would do anything to pacify my mum even if he couldn't physically or emotionally cope or do it. It's taken me years to get them to understand that accepting help doesn't mean they've failed just that we want better for them..

    Your dad needs to step away for 5 mins. .have some man time go to library cricket or do things he'd like to.
    Would he accept you bringing a friend to the house to have a chat with you and your mum?..maybe that friend could be a sitter ..to see if your mum would accept it!

    My mum still isn't aware she's shouting and arguing when my dad doesn't get stuff right. I now take him out so he can have a break from my mum.
    Obviously it's my dad who has dementia but the principals the same...to get them to accept help..We kind of say or do what we have to.
    If after a social services assessment as us everyone's right..They can't make them accept help..but maybe a befriended or a sitter might be a start to test the waters of someone else helping.
    My dad accepted help as we said it was affecting our health to see them struggle. Slowly slowly we've introduced things. He goes to day centre one day and we have a cleaner in on a Friday. .
    I totally understand how hard it is.
    Best wishes
     
  12. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,182
    Police benovelent fund?
    May be they could contact him, after a prompt from you.

    Bod
     
  13. Claireybella

    Claireybella Registered User

    Sep 13, 2011
    16
    Portsmouth
    Thank you so much for all your advice peeps. So glad I stumbled across this forum. I have a couple of leads to go on now so thank you, it's good to know that we aren't alone.

    x
     
  14. Claireybella

    Claireybella Registered User

    Sep 13, 2011
    16
    Portsmouth
    Hi, just wanted to update you all.

    Dad ended up in hospital this week, diagnosed with pulminary embellism so good job he got checked out when he did. He is back home now but my sister had to stay with my mum in that time.

    My question is....is there any kind of emergency social care that Dad can call if this or something just as bad happens again and we aren't around to help? I assume it would be temporary care home rather than a stranger staying at their house?

    Thanks
    Claire
    x
     
  15. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,182
    Princess Royal Trust?
    http://www.carers.org/
    Maybe worth a try.

    Bod
     

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