Mum has all the signs but refuses help

[Impassioned]

Hi all
I have just signed up to this sight tonight and am really hoping to get some advice.
My mum who is now 79 has been showing signs over the past 1 -2 years of dementia.
She is at the stage where she can not say in words what she wants to say, she can recognise letters and numbers but doesn't really know the meaning of them,and gets very confused with her money. She is very paranoid at the moment and thinks a lady that lives above her is breaking into the house and stealing things ,including her electricity and water. She thinks people on the tv are talking to her, and she talks to them and also to pictures on her wall, she is living alone and has always been very independent. We have tried to get her home care and assessed ,but she is flat out refusing and has gotten to the point where she wants to move back to England where she was born (we live in Australia and have since 1971) she is adamant that she is going and has started packing her things and throwing things away. We all know that she will not cope in an unfamiliar environment by herself , but don't know how to stop her from going. I know that she thinks everything will be fine once she gets back to England and there is no reasoning with her. She thinks that there is nothing wrong with her and gets very angry if we mention it , hence the decision to move to England. Please help

 

[Sarasa]

Wanting to be elsewhere is very common. I have a friend, originally from Scotland, who has family in Australia. Her sister in law has dementia and is always talking of leaving the house the take the bus to Carnoustie. A bit of a long journey if you live in Perth!
All the symptoms you mention sound pretty indicative of dementia. Can you contact her GP (not sure how the health system works over there) and flag up your concerns. Even if they can't talk to you they will be aware. More savvy GPs then call in the person for a 'well woman' check or similar and then they can check her over and take it from there.
I'm sure others will be along shortly with more detailed advice.

 

[Impassioned]

Wanting to be elsewhere is very common. I have a friend, originally from Scotland, who has family in Australia. Her sister in law has dementia and is always talking of leaving the house the take the bus to Carnoustie. A bit of a long journey if you live in Perth!
All the symptoms you mention sound pretty indicative of dementia. Can you contact her GP (not sure how the health system works over there) and flag up your concerns. Even if they can't talk to you they will be aware. More savvy GPs then call in the person for a 'well woman' check or similar and then they can check her over and take it from there.
I'm sure others will be along shortly with more detailed advice.

Wanting to be elsewhere is very common. I have a friend, originally from Scotland, who has family in Australia. Her sister in law has dementia and is always talking of leaving the house the take the bus to Carnoustie. A bit of a long journey if you live in Perth!
All the symptoms you mention sound pretty indicative of dementia. Can you contact her GP (not sure how the health system works over there) and flag up your concerns. Even if they can't talk to you they will be aware. More savvy GPs then call in the person for a 'well woman' check or similar and then they can check her over and take it from there.
I'm sure others will be along shortly with more detailed advice.

Thank you Sarasa , we have spoken with her doctor ,but only in the presence of mum , and if you mention anything about her memory she gets very angry,anxious and agitated and it takes her about a week to calm down again. The doctor organised a home visit for mum to get assessed , once mum found out ( the night before the visit) she was mad as hell. Refused to let them into the house and said she would not be home. Since then , she has been taking actions to move to England.
I don't want to upset her, but don't know how to go about not letting her go.

 

[Bunpoots]

Welcome to DTP @Impassioned.

I can see this is a very worrying situation. From what your mum has said it seems that she is getting very confused. Do you think she would be able to organise the move herself? I'm asking because maybe the way to go would be to offer "help" but then do everything you can to make sure nothing happens (blaming everyone else of course)

This sounds a bit like the wanting to go home phase and if you're lucky agreeing to take her "home" may be enough to calm her down even though it will never happen.

Or maybe you could persuade her to stay a little longer for your sake? Convince her you need help with something and you'll help her organise her move after. Sometimes it's necessary not to tell the truth to keep our loved ones safe and happy.

You might find this helpful. It's hard to do but it helps.


https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

 

[jaymor]

It’s been nearly 50 years since your Mother left England and I don't know, I’m only assuming that there will probably be lots of hoops to jump through before she can return plus accommodation etc to sort out. Is your Mother capable of sorting all this out for herself?

Wanting to go home is a very common want with someone with dementia. It’s really a wanting to be where life was normal and safe, this could be her early years in Australia not her life in England. She would be returning to a country she would not recognise, that’s more anxiety and more confusion for her plus very few people, if any that she would know.

It’s hard but it’s really not the answer to her problems, is there no one you could talk to about this obsession she has?

 

[Grannie G]

we have spoken with her doctor ,but only in the presence of mum

I went to the doctor by myself @Impassioned with a short diary of all the behaviours which worried me.

Even if the doctor refuses to discuss your mum with you they will listen and suggest the next step.

 

[Impassioned]

Thank you all so much for your advice , which we will be taking.
There is no way mum would be able to organise the move herself , or look after herself in an unfamilia environment . She has friends and relatives in England, but they are also in her age group and would be unfair to expect them to look after her. My sister and I will make out that we are helping her but try to drag it out for as long as possible. I'm hoping that the obstacles we have to go through will deter her from wanting to go. It is so hard seeing her unhappy and not being able to fulfill her wishes.But in reality she is not thinking straight and we need to be the bad guys unfortunately.
Thank you again, and I will keep you posted.

 

[manArgentina]

Wow, very difficult situation, its such a hard thing to take when they want to do or not to do something against the logic.

I just think to try to talk with people where she is going to go, someone young, able to check her. If you can afford it, talk with someone and pay to go to check her. And hope for the best.

Find someone to live with her its imposible ?

 

[Impassioned]

Wow, very difficult situation, its such a hard thing to take when they want to do or not to do something against the logic.

I just think to try to talk with people where she is going to go, someone young, able to check her. If you can afford it, talk with someone and pay to go to check her. And hope for the best.

Find someone to live with her its imposible ?

Thanks for the feedback
Unfortunately mum only has older relatives and friends in England , so that could not be an option. It is a struggle for both my sister and I , who work full time , to keep her safe and make sure she has everything she needs. She will only get worse as time goes by.
I think we need to somehow get her to change her mind about going , that's the tricky bit.
Thanks again for your advice, much appreciated.

 

[manArgentina]

Thanks for the feedback
Unfortunately mum only has older relatives and friends in England , so that could not be an option. It is a struggle for both my sister and I , who work full time , to keep her safe and make sure she has everything she needs. She will only get worse as time goes by.
I think we need to somehow get her to change her mind about going , that's the tricky bit.
Thanks again for your advice, much appreciated.

I was thinking if any of the people your mother knows there could have any person that can check your mother, maybe a familiar of them. The only bright side i see of this, is that maybe your mother feel happy going there, and being where she is know she feel like trapped and bored, but i know how hard is think about her going by herself there, so, again good luck.

 

[Impassioned]

Well, good news people, thanks to your great advice and feedback. I called into mum's after work today as I'd told her I would ring up about her Australian pension entitlements that she would receive once in England.
She had packed her whole place up in 2 days, bags packed and waiting, cupboards empty, I was shocked but played in cool, stayed calm , she asked me straight away to make the phone call, which I did in front of her. After hanging up I fabricated the truth somewhat , and wrote on a piece of paper in simple words for her to understand....My money , and an amount , I then wrote another amount underneath that said British pound. She understood that the money she was getting now and the money she would get while in England was different.
I then did the same with her savings , and explained to her how they will take more than half of her money once it is changed to English money. She didn't like that idea one bit, so I played on that and made it the focus of our conversation. I also told her that before they could give her any money she would need an address and phone number of where she was going to live. I knew she couldn't produce one. After about an hour of me listening, answering her questions and staying calm, she finally said, I won't be able to go will I, I told her gently that unfortunately she wouldn't have enough money and she didn't like the idea of the people taking so much with the exchange rate.
She then said, well, that's it then, I'm not going now. The relief I felt was enormous. She said what will I do with all this stuff now, I told her I would help her put it back away, and we started to unpack a few things. I made it into a funny scenario that she had packed everything up and she had a laugh about it too. She had bits of paper everywhere with things written on them for England and started saying I don't need these now do I, and we ripped them up and through them away, I also ripped up anything that I had written about the money and through it away. She then wanted to eat which was good , so I took her to get fish n chips which she loves we sat and had dinner , she seemed relieved happy and relaxed when I left.
Hopefully she will remember tomorrow that she isn't goi g to England and the reason why.

Thanks again everyone for your advice.

 

[nellbelles]

@Impassioned
Well done you handled that well....

 

[Bunpoots]

Good news indeed @Impassioned

 

[Izzy]

Such good news @Impassioned! Well done!

 

[canary]

Well done.
She may not remember, but you know now what will work.

These delusions can be hard to handle.

 

[Banjomansmate]

Good work, you handled that well!