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Mum has advised my dad's care home not to give me any information about my dad or allow me to visit.. can anyone help with advice please?

Jazzy007

Registered User
Feb 21, 2020
11
Hi everyone, it's my first post and I am a bit nervous! But I've had an issue for over a year and really want some advice, it's constantly on my mind. I apologise if I need to post this in a different thread but if it needs to be somewhere else please point me in the right direction.
Ok so my dad has dementia and been in his current care facility for over a year. My mum and i fell out almost two years ago and we haven't been in touch but I still sent my dad cards and presents and wrote letters which I assumed the staff would give and read to him. Oh! I live overseas. Anyway, I called last year and was suddently told my mum had instructed them not to give him anything from me, answer calls and give me any information on him, and not allow me to visit when i am in the country. She is next of kin and has power of attorney but I do too. I was devestated and emailed her asking to reconsider and bear in mind what my dad would want if he was his old self, but she didnt even reply. So I started looking in to how legal her instructions were , when my husband died and i have been trying to deal with the grief of this too. But I am thinking about my dad all the time at the moment and really don't want to never see him again (he is 78 ) because my mother is being so awful. I would like to know what my rights are in this situation. My dad and i always got on and he was perfectly calm and happy when i would visit him so it is not that he would be upset if i visited. it is malice on my mothers part.
Sorry for the long post... please help.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,667
Kent
Hello @Jazzy007

It sounds as if your mother really wants to hurt you. I`m so sorry. These family fall outs can be so bitter.

I`ve no idea what your rights are but surely you should be able to visit your father. If you live abroad it`s not even as if you would be visiting weekly.

I`ve no idea of the legalities of this. Do you have the equivalent of the Citizen`s Advice Bureau where you live.

The only number I have for the National Dementia Helpine is Freephone but if you are in the UK please give them a ring.
National Dementia Helpline
0300 222 11 22
Our helpline advisers are here for you.
Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm


I will try to find out if there is a different number for you to call.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,630
South coast
I note your use of the words "care facility". Does that mean that your dad is not in UK?

I am sorry this has happened. I dont know what has happened in the past (and Im not asking you to tell me), but I think that probably the only solution is to build bridges with your mum
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,667
Kent
Some further information for you @Jazzy007

If your parents are in the UK you can email the Helpline for advice.


If your parents are not in the UK the link below might help you contact the relevant organisation in their country

 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
Hi everyone, it's my first post and I am a bit nervous! But I've had an issue for over a year and really want some advice, it's constantly on my mind. I apologise if I need to post this in a different thread but if it needs to be somewhere else please point me in the right direction.
Ok so my dad has dementia and been in his current care facility for over a year. My mum and i fell out almost two years ago and we haven't been in touch but I still sent my dad cards and presents and wrote letters which I assumed the staff would give and read to him. Oh! I live overseas. Anyway, I called last year and was suddently told my mum had instructed them not to give him anything from me, answer calls and give me any information on him, and not allow me to visit when i am in the country. She is next of kin and has power of attorney but I do too. I was devestated and emailed her asking to reconsider and bear in mind what my dad would want if he was his old self, but she didnt even reply. So I started looking in to how legal her instructions were , when my husband died and i have been trying to deal with the grief of this too. But I am thinking about my dad all the time at the moment and really don't want to never see him again (he is 78 ) because my mother is being so awful. I would like to know what my rights are in this situation. My dad and i always got on and he was perfectly calm and happy when i would visit him so it is not that he would be upset if i visited. it is malice on my mothers part.
Sorry for the long post... please help.
Your power of attorney is it for both financial & welfare? If so it means you have a legal right to be informed about care etc.
also if you mum is POA as well she has a legal duty to act in your Dads best interests- that includes aiding the person to continue communication
The care home also have a duty of care to enable contact with the family.
Please contact the office of guardians who the POA is registered with & they will be able to advise you as to the options.
They are helpful & lovely
I hope this helps!
Ps
My mum had early stages of dementia & was very jealous of my relationship with my Dad & before he was diagnosed was destructive in the parent/ child relationship.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,137
Hopefully with the links above you will be able to find out the legal situation.

Aside from the legalities, you said you didn't want to think of never seeing your dad again, which is of course understandable. However do bear in mind that if you have not seen him for a couple of years, he may have deteriorated significantly and he may not know who you are. Hopefully you be able to visit, but be prepared for fairly major changes in how your dad is.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
659
High Peak
Surely the fact you also have POA for your dad shows clearly he wanted you to be involved in his affairs? Please check with the OPG but I would imagine you have the same rights to see your dad as your mother has. I don't think being next of kin trumps POA - I would have thought it is part of your duties as his attorney to visit to see that he is OK asnd that his needs are being met. Ditto the CH not passing on any info. I would speak to them and tell them you have POA, just as your mum does and that they must communicate with you.
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
416
Surely the fact you also have POA for your dad shows clearly he wanted you to be involved in his affairs? Please check with the OPG but I would imagine you have the same rights to see your dad as your mother has. I don't think being next of kin trumps POA - I would have thought it is part of your duties as his attorney to visit to see that he is OK asnd that his needs are being met. Ditto the CH not passing on any info. I would speak to them and tell them you have POA, just as your mum does and that they must communicate with you.
If your father had capacity then he could make a decision in your favour. POA or LPA suggests this is not the case. The LPA for Health and Welfare allows the holder ( attorney) to make decisions as to your father's health and personal welfare. This embraces decisions on medical treatment and the regime of care he is undergoing. All the " best interests " should be made clear in the initial instructions put in place. As has been suggested, any concerns within this context should be addressed to the OPG. Ideally, a coming together with your mother is the best option. Perhaps the Care Home might also act as mediator, albeit they have restrictions to contend with also.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
The office of public guardians can only enforce LPA / POA when loss of capacity
It’s a government body to ensure those given the power to aid use it correctly with best interests of the PWD .
There are legal requirements that have to be fulfilled, if in doubt if a solicitor helped register the POA contact them
Or contact the office of public guardians , & they will go through with you the legal duty of care you & Mum are bound by.
It’s very clear about contact etc. With friends & family
 

Jazzy007

Registered User
Feb 21, 2020
11
I think its something you need to resolve with your mother- so she removes those conditions.
Thanks for the message, I already asked her to reconsider just before my husband died and she didnt even acknowledge the email. She also didnt contact me when she heard my husband passed and nothing since.. think she has her own issues to be honest.
 

Jazzy007

Registered User
Feb 21, 2020
11
Thank you, everyone, so very much for your amazing advice. It has been a real relief to read that there might be some hope! The POA is for both health and finance and yes a solicitor arranged this, and I got the copies sent to me last year when I started looking in to my options .
I will contact them and the OPGif I can find which one is relevant and see what can be done.
thanks again everyone it’s been so lovely to have such amazing help! Xxx
 

Jazzy007

Registered User
Feb 21, 2020
11
I think its something you need to resolve with your mother- so she removes those conditions.
Thanks for the message, I already asked her to reconsider just before my husband died and she didnt even acknowledge the email. She also didnt contact me when she heard my husband passed and nothing since.. think she has her own issues to be honest.T
Some further information for you @Jazzy007

If your parents are in the UK you can email the Helpline for advice.


If your parents are not in the UK the link below might help you contact the relevant organisation in their country

that's amazing! thank you so much!
 

Jazzy007

Registered User
Feb 21, 2020
11
Hi again, I am one of the replacement attorneys on the POAs - does that mean that my mother being the main 'attorney' has the right to make decisions for my dad, and they supercede anything I might have to say?
 

Jazzy007

Registered User
Feb 21, 2020
11
tha
Your power of attorney is it for both financial & welfare? If so it means you have a legal right to be informed about care etc.
also if you mum is POA as well she has a legal duty to act in your Dads best interests- that includes aiding the person to continue communication
The care home also have a duty of care to enable contact with the family.
Please contact the office of guardians who the POA is registered with & they will be able to advise you as to the options.
They are helpful & lovely
I hope this helps!
Ps
My mum had early stages of dementia & was very jealous of my relationship with my Dad & before he was diagnosed was destructive in the parent/ child relationship.

thank you for your help! I am so sorry to hear about your family troubles too x
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
Hi again, I am one of the replacement attorneys on the POAs - does that mean that my mother being the main 'attorney' has the right to make decisions for my dad, and they supercede anything I might have to say?
Have you replaced the person?
Ring the OPG & they will clarify your position
 

Jazzy007

Registered User
Feb 21, 2020
11
I will give them a call next week. I’ve also emailed the help email address you have me , thank you!
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,768
Yorkshire

Jazzy007

Registered User
Feb 21, 2020
11
So it sounds like I may not have the right to see my dad? Or challenge my mums behaviour being in his best interests ?