1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Loulou

    Loulou Registered User

    Jul 22, 2005
    17
    I've been trying to get on here for ages - such a long time since I've been on that I forgot my login details.
    Mum passed away 2 weeks ago - absolutely devastated - don't think I've even accepted it. Was with her the day before she went (28th July) for my birthday and she kept kissing me. Didn't go up for the early visiting the next day as was intending on going to the hospital for the 6:30 shift but I missed her because she passed away at 6pm - she was in there for breathing problems and was unwell for sometime- didn't open her eyes for more than 2 weeks.
    Feel so guilty for not being there - so typical as I was there every other day.
    Sat with her in the chapel of rest for the whole day before the funeral but just cant believe I wont see her again. Can't go back to the house because I bought it for her and it doesn't feel right.Staying at my sisters empty house at the moment as she is on holiday.
    Doctor has put me on Temazapan which dont seem to be working - still off work.
    Everything seems so pointless now - just want to be with my mum - don't think I will be able to go without her.
    Gonna go now cos sobbing my eyeballs out again but would appreciate any comments.
    Oh yes - does anybody know if COAD (Chronic Obstructive Airways disease) can be caused by air fresheners / candles / incense - Think I might be responsible because was always spraying/ burning candles to make the house smell ok because mum became doubly incontinent.
    Thanks
    x
     
  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Before I say anything else - No, no, no,

    Loulou, I am so very sorry to hear about your mum. Please don't blame yourself because you were not there at the very end. You were always there when it mattered. No one could have done more.

    My thoughts and prayers are with tyou.
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    Dear Loulou.

    I`m so sorry you have lost your mother and send my deepest sympathy and sincere condolences.

    You are obviously still in shock and two weeks is no time at all to be feeling any better.

    If you knew how many people that happens to you would be surprised.

    I was talking to a friend who lost her husband 18 months ago, and she still can`t forgive herself for not being with him when he died, as she was there all day and every day and he died in the early hours of the morning.

    Please don`t blame yourself for everything. Your mother was very poorly and I`m sure nothing you did would have affected her one way or another.

    Be a little bit kinder to yourself, Loulou and try to take it easy and allow yourself to grieve.

    TP is always here for you .

    Love xx
     
  4. Loulou

    Loulou Registered User

    Jul 22, 2005
    17
    Thanks for the replies but nothing seems real at the moment.
    So angry - family member organised charity event for the Alzheimers society - even angry about this as felt money should have gone to the respite facility that supported my mum - Sorry !
    Any advice on the COAD ?
     
  5. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Loulou, so sorry that I really know very little about COAD.

    I can only imagine how you must be feeling (I am a widow), every experience is unique. However you must STOP feeling that you could have made the outcome any different.

    Please look after yourself now, and the rest of your family. Recriminations are not helpful. (Totally understand about the charity event - we really have to relinquish control) Please take time for you, mum would have wished that,
     
  6. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Loulou, I am so very sorry for your loss.

    does anybody know if COAD (Chronic Obstructive Airways disease) can be caused by air fresheners / candles / incense - Think I might be responsible because was always spraying/ burning candles


    I am sorry Loulou, but I know nothing about COAD, if this information is important to you, why not talk to your GP.

    Although I am not medically qualified, I think I am safe in saying that air fresheners, candles and incense would not be responsible for causing illlness, if this were the case, they would carry a health warning.

    It is such early days yet, and I know this is of little to comfort to you, you are hurting and missing your mum. She knew you loved her, try to take comfort in that, and in time, I am sure you will also be able to take comfort in being at her home, but as I said earlier, it is very early days. If you need to, please go back to your GP.

    Love
    Cate
     
  7. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    I am so very sorry to hear of your Mum's death.

    I looked up COAD and found this..


    Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) is the result of lung damage due to two condions – chronic bronchitis and emphysema. These diseases affect different parts of the lungs. However, they nearly always occur together, which is why they are now usually grouped together in the term Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD). Sometimes the bronchitis may cause more trouble, with the emphysema being only mild; and sometimes it may be the other way round. COPD used to be much better known by the term 'chronic bronchitis', and many people still use this.

    Some of the causes are repeated infections, industrial pollution and smoking.

    Nowhere is there a mention of air fresheners or candles causing the condition.

    As the immune system is compromised with AZ, my totally non-qualified instinct tells me it was bronchitis that caused her death...............it is NOT your fault.

    I suggest you go back to the GP and ask for some help for yourself, medication and counselling together will help you through these first dark days of the intense grief you are feeling.

    All I can do is send you my heart-felt sympathy and love.

    Someone is always here for you, you are not alone.

    Kathleen
    xx
     
  8. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    My sincere condolences and deepest sympathy on the loss of your beloved Mum.

    I am no expert but I doubt VERY much if the incense or candles would cause any increase in your Mum's illness. It is a long term disease (as far as I know) and I doubt anything you did could have made it worse.

    Would you be better off with others around you? You sound sovery depressed and sometimes that can be made worse if you are alone . . . . Only you will know what is best for you.

    Thinking of you and sending you a BIG {{HUG}}
     
  9. CassElle

    CassElle Registered User

    Jun 7, 2005
    45
    Blackpool
    Mums gone

    Hiya LouLou

    So Sorry to hear your mum passed away without you being there. Judging by the amount of posts from people who that has happened to it seems that its usually the way. That is not said with the intention to make you feel better cos I know it wont. Like countless others you loved your mum dearly and wanted to be with her at the end. Mum is still here with me but i know that if it happens to me I will feel exactly the same. You have nothing to reproach yourself for you did your best for her and loved her.

    With regards to COPD mum suffers from that and has also had part of her lung removed for cancer. She too is incontinent and i also have two tiny dogs and two cats so it goes without saying that i have used loads of air fresheners plug ins carpet fresheners. These have never affected mums chest, in fact 18 months ago she was in hospital with a chest infection and urine infection and the staff regularly used air fresheners. Hope this is some comfort to you.

    Take care and look after yourself - your mum would want that

    CassElle
     
  10. Linda Mc

    Linda Mc Registered User

    Jul 3, 2005
    1,881
    Nr Mold
    Please can I add my sympathy for your sad loss. Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.

    Love Linda x
     
  11. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #11 Margarita, Aug 11, 2007
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2007
    I Found this link to it

    http://www.medicinenet.com/chronic_obstructive_pulmonary_disease_copd/article.htm

    One of my daughter asthmatic and my daughter uses air fresheners / candles / incense - and it has never given her an asthma attract .

    Only an infection from a cold can make her asthma worse .

    Its normal to blame yourself when in grief , I do hope in time you won't keep blaming yourself

    what a lovely memory for you to pull on, even thought you can not perceive it like that now [hope you don't mind me saying that
    I do feel you as I do know what it like when someone you love so deeply die out of the blue , without you saying goodbye [if that the right way of wording it ] xx
     
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Loulou

    I'm so sorry to hear of your mum's death. I can understand how you are feeling, the pain is almost physical.

    Please don't feel guilty, your mum knew you loved her, and you had visited her the previous day. You gave her all the loving care your could.

    As for the air-fresheners, I can't imagine they could possibly cause COAD. Don't beat yourself up, there is absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about.

    It sounds as if you are depressed, and being on your own in your sister's house won't be helping.

    I think you should go back to the doctor as soon as possible. Temazepam is a tranquilliser, and I suspect what you need is an anti-depressant to get you over the next few weeks. I'm not a doctor though, but I do feel you should discuss your feelings.

    Take care of yourself, Loulou, try not to spend too much time on your own, and come and talk to us here on TP whenever you want to talk.

    Love,
     
  13. Loulou

    Loulou Registered User

    Jul 22, 2005
    17
    Thanks to everybody for replying.
    I have been trying to get back on here for days but just realised I was going to the wrong site - so stupid !!
    Can't stop crying - have been to the cemetary every day but just not feeling anything.
    I used to believe in so much before this but nothing makes sense at the moment.
    Everybody apart from me seems to have such good memories - all I have is the last month before she went into hospital - ca.nnot bear going back to our house - I bought it for her - she chose it.
    To top it all now I am here on my own and being harassed about the funeral costs - plan was to split it between sisters - hasn't worked out that way - 2 sisters in financial problems - will not be a problem though because the last thing I want is for there to be arguments about this - will get money from wherever I have to - I will not have my mums memory put through this - would give anything just to have her back for 1 minute to tell her how much i love her.
    I know i'm no different to anybody else who has been through this just feel so alone.
    Gonna stop now cos feel like i could cry and go on forever but it won't change anything
     
  14. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
  15. MelissaParker

    MelissaParker Registered User

    Aug 11, 2007
    13
    Loulou my heart goes out to you. God bless you It must be so hard to have lost your mum. If I were to loose mine I cannot imagine how hard it would be. Please hang onto the good memories, don't let anybody or anything take them away from you. Please don't feel so alone, you have us XXXXXX
     
  16. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    326
    Chelmsford
    Loulou. So very sorry to hear about your mum. I missed my dad dying by a couple of hours, and there are times when I wished I had been there.
    I also know that he was understanding and a loving father and I am sure you mum was the same and knows you were there when you could be.

    Air freshy candle thingys ??? I think half the country would be ill if they were the cause.

    my sympathies
    cris
     
  17. taylorcat

    taylorcat Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    171
    W.Scotland
    Loulou, so sorry to hear about your Mum. My thoughts are with you.
     
  18. Loulou

    Loulou Registered User

    Jul 22, 2005
    17
    Poem

    I put this in my mum's funeral order of service - just seemed so appropriate - sorry for going off again at a tangent - most people have probably seen it before but I hadn't - think it's called God's garden ??

    God looked around his garden
    and he found an empty place.
    He then looked down upon this earth
    and saw your tired face.

    He put his arms around you
    and lifted you to rest.
    God's garden must be beautiful
    He always takes the best.

    He knew you were suffering
    He knew you were in pain
    He knew that you would never
    get well on earth again.

    He saw the road was getting rough
    and the hills were hard to climb.
    So he closed your weary eyelids
    and whispered "Peace be thine".

    It broke our heart to lose you
    But you didn't go alone
    For part of us went with you
    The day God called you home.
     
  19. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    That was lovely Loulou, I`m sure it gave you comfort.

    Love xx
     
  20. May

    May Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    627
    Yorkshire
    Loulou
    So sorry to hear about your Mum.
    Thinking of you take care of yourself.
     

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