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Mum going to care home tomorrow

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
321
0
Some who have read my previous threads will recall that we hit a crisis in June, with my mum being admitted to hospital mainly to protect my dad. I was extremely worried firstly that she would be allowed to return home and then, once it was agreed that couldn't happen, how difficult it would be to get her into the right care home. She is not self funding so I knew our options would be very limited, and there were possible additional complications because it would be against her will.

I was also very nervous having read some other experiences on this forum, about how difficult transfer from hospital to care home can be.

Well, I'm pleased to say that even though we only got one care home offer, it looks to be as close to perfect for mum as we could have hoped for. It's a small, independent and well established home, in an older house very similar to what mum has always lived in. It's licensed for only 15 residents, at present there are 11 and mum will be number 12. All are elderly ladies, all but 2 have dementia. The manager has been lovely, spent ages with me last week answering all my questions. Today I've been inside, seen everything, had the chance to unpack mum's things and arrange her room, which is a really nice one with a bag window and plenty of space.

Better still, mum is happy to go. She accepted about 3 weeks ago that she wouldn't be going back home, but she wasn't exactly enthusiastic. By the time the care home manager saw her on Tuesday she had decided that she's a widow now (that was hard to hear) and that I'm arranging for her to go to a little flat. The manager went along with that, said oh yes, your daughter has asked me to help organise that as she's busy with work right now, and mum was fine with that.

So I'm sitting in the cafe at the motorway services on my way home and crossing everything that the transfer goes well tomorrow. I think at the moment I mostly feel relieved but also very sad that this is the way it has to be. It's what mum needs, beyond doubt, but so sad she thinks my dad is dead.
 

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
81
0
Hi @CardiffGirlInEssex , such a hard time for you but the home sounds promising and its good the manager spent time with you and is 'on board' with you mum. Its a nice touch you were able to arrange your mums room for her, wishing you and your mum the best.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,524
0
That sounds just right. Having been looking at homes with my mother and my mother in law in mind recently, I know how important it is to find one that matches your parent's needs. Hope it all goes smoothly, and you can enjoy some good visits with your mum once she's settled.
How's your dad doing?
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
660
0
That's good news. It sounds a bit like my dad's home except with more people with dementia - I hope she's very happy there.
 

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
321
0
Thanks all. I must say I found a lot of useful tips on what’s important with care homes from the threads on this site. The one mum is going to is “lived in”, not scruffy and certainly not dirty, but not shiny and new either. Mum doesn’t actually like new things so that’s a definite bonus!

My dad is doing ok, thanks @Sarasa . He’s very pleased that mum is going to a place he can visualise, it is literally round the corner from where they have lived for nearly 60 years. There is no possibility of getting him there to visit and anyway now she thinks he is dead it would definitely not be helpful. I haven’t told him that bit of course, but I did say about her being happy to go there so he is happy about that. He is very much better in himself now he isn’t worrying about mum.
 

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
321
0
Well, by all accounts it went very well. Mum arrived at the home around lunchtime. By coincidence a couple of district nurses were there, she knows them and they her, they welcomed her in and got her into her room quite happily. She recognised her things, likes the room and settled down to demolish a good lunch. The manager sent me a lovely photo of mum sitting in her chair with her lunch, she looks pretty well. When I phoned, mum was on her second cup of coffee and looking at her cat picture book. So a good start and I am deeply relieved.
 

Feeling unsupported

Registered User
Jul 9, 2021
24
0
I'm sure you must be starting to feel a sense of relief, I hope all continues to go well. I am in the process of trying to find something suitable for my mum, the place I had wanted has told me today that they could not meet her needs. So it's back to the drawing board. I have the opposite problem, mum has been crying and shouting for my father all week and wanting to know why he wasn't coming home from work. He passed 7 years ago, it is heart wrenching.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,092
0
Bedford
So pleased that the move went well for your Mum. It sounds like the only choice was a ‘good choice’. I hope your Mum continues to settle in well
 

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
321
0
I'm sure you must be starting to feel a sense of relief, I hope all continues to go well. I am in the process of trying to find something suitable for my mum, the place I had wanted has told me today that they could not meet her needs. So it's back to the drawing board. I have the opposite problem, mum has been crying and shouting for my father all week and wanting to know why he wasn't coming home from work. He passed 7 years ago, it is heart wrenching.
oh that is so distressing , for you and for your mum. I hope you are soon able to find a place that can meet her needs. My mum seems to have responded well to Memantine plus melatonin, it's calmed her and improved her mood a lot, so maybe a medication review might help your mum?
 

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
321
0
So pleased that the move went well for your Mum. It sounds like the only choice was a ‘good choice’. I hope your Mum continues to settle in well
Thank you. Yes, it does look hopeful this is a good choice, and I feel very fortunate when I read about how difficult some others have found it to get the right place for their loved ones.
 

northumbrian_k

Registered User
Mar 2, 2017
1,469
0
Newcastle
From my experience of a small care home I would say that your Mum has a better chance of personalised care and getting to know other residents and staff in a more domestic setting. Staff at my wife's home have said that working there, as compared to previously working in large homes, means that they have opportunities to get to know and bond with residents. I hope that it continues to go well @CardiffGirlInEssex
 

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
321
0
Thanks all for your kind replies. I had another unprompted update this morning, with a really lovely photo of smiling mum, nicely dressed in one of the new tops I got for her. She's had a good night and eaten all her breakfast, they did her the slightly odd version of overnight oats that she likes. I'm impressed so far and as @Grannie G says, feel a weight has been lifted.