Mum going into care

Sunnelly65

New member
Jun 2, 2024
7
0
Hi everyone I'm new to the forum. My mum is 92 and has vascular dementia. She has been living alone in her own house since my dad died 17 years ago. Her dementia has progressed pretty quickly over the past year, she also has heart failure. I have been her main carer, she had home carers too but was starting to open the door to her house all hours of day and night. My husband and me had to go round a number of times when her door sensor triggered to put her back to bed. Five weeks ago she ended up in hospital with yet another bout of pneumonia, she got better because she is fairly fit despite all and they wanted to discharge her, but my sister and me said no we didn't think it was safe. We had been thinking about residential care anyway but the huge cost and upheaval for mum seemed to much to put her through. Now....in a month, her capacity has gone, she's deprived of her liberty, she will lose her home and live with strangers. I can't bear it even though I know it's going to be safer. On her better days mum says I should have just left her at home instead of getting an ambulance, how do I cope with this guilt and sadness? Thank you 🙏 xxx
 

amIinthewrong?

Registered User
Jan 24, 2024
174
0
Well the thing is you can put it this way she already went to hospital with strangers and that there were nurses there and doctors there which is faster than getting to see a gp I have to wait a month to see a gp where as hospital you have to wait from 30 mins upwards depending on who's available but it definitely won’t be a month and if she does go into a care home you don’t have to worry about her leaving out the front door because there are carers there, also doctors are on call and faster when it comes to care homes so if she needs anything medication wise she is better off also she might have more chance of socializing with others because there will be other residents, and it might help to know that home isn’t home anymore if it isn’t safe for her to live there, it is a gamble you might find her the best care home or it might be naff but then you find her one that suits her, you would be more upset if you left her in her home and she has a accident, I can’t tell you how to cope with guilt but I do know if you go to sleep and wake up the next day you have managed to get though another day also remind yourself when you feel gulity of the negatives of her being home and you’re mum is just saying that because she misses the past and needs to put needless blame somewhere and you happened to be the one there to put it on, I’m sorry this is happening to you.💐💐
 

SeaSwallow

Volunteer Moderator
Oct 28, 2019
6,968
0
Hello @Sunnelly65 and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. I am sorry to read about your mum but from what you have said it really does sound as if she would be much safer in a care home rather than in her own home especially as she had started wandering. Hopefully as your mum would settle in the home she would make some friends. I know that it is hard, but you are doing the best for her and have no need to feel guilty, easy to say i know but it is very true.
 

Sunnelly65

New member
Jun 2, 2024
7
0
Thank you for your support everyone, I am trying very hard to put my practical head on. I hope it will take over from my emotional one! Love to all x
 

SherwoodSue

Registered User
Jun 18, 2022
758
0
You love your mum. Your mum is now safe. She is safe because of your loving actions on her behalf

REPEAT
REPEAT
REPEAT.

If we keep the ‘self talk’ straight the heart will follow

Keep posting x
 

Sunnelly65

New member
Jun 2, 2024
7
0
Hello everyone I hope you are all ok. I had lovely messages of support for my mum of 92 going into care residential for assessment. She has been there 5 days. Staff say she is eating and drinking ok but every time I go she tries to go home with me, I am so lost, so heartbroken. She was wandering around at home and opening the front door at all hours, even with carers in . We took her key away and locked the door but then got scared she would jam the lock with something and the locked door was keeping her awake all night. My sister and me work and have been taking care of her between us, doing her meals and evening meds, she eventually got pneumonia and had to go to hospital. We couldn't accept her home with this massive risk. In hospital and so far in care she has not been trying the door. I'm a nurse but I'm so confused. Mum wants to come home, doesn't like the way the residents are looking at her and cries when we leave. I'm so upset, so guilty. She won't mix and it's not her personality, can anyone help ? Stay well all xxx
 

Sunnelly65

New member
Jun 2, 2024
7
0
I'm new to the forum and look forward chatting and exchanging help if I can. My mum is 92 and was diagnosed with vascular dementia 3 years ago. She has heart failure and repeat chest infections but otherwise physically ok. Mum is my love and my friend we used to enjoy time together and she has relied on me since my dad died in 2007. Now she's frail, forgetful and can't manage alone. Anyone out there with advice? Mum has recently gone into care assessment after having yet another chest infection, I'm at the end of ideas to keep her at home. All my love to everybody xxx
 

cymbid

Registered User
Jan 3, 2024
160
0
my mum is not a mixer either . When social worker suggested "a befriender" I laughed out loud. Not a chance
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,779
0
Newcastle
Hi @Sunnelly65 and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. This is a friendly and helpful community of members with true understanding and vast experience of dementia. I am sure that now you have joined us you will feel the benefit of our support.
 

LouiseW

Registered User
Oct 18, 2021
161
0
Hi
This is a painful time for you all and it will take time for all of you to adjust. My Dad went into residential care 2 years ago and it took a month or two for Dad to settle down and for me to feel OK. I felt simply awful for months it was bleak.

However he did settle really well and his quality of life and health is so much better than it was. He has friends and a huge varierty of activities.

It might be worth thinking about not visiting her for a couple of weeks to give you all a chance to settle into the new situation, you can phone the home to ask how she is doing during this time.

You and your sister have done so well
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,481
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Sunnelly65 , I hope that your mum is settling a bit more. My mum would always say she wanted to go home when she saw me, and there were times in the early days in care that she tried to escape. However she did actually enjoy all the activities and settled in the end, although the wanting to be somewhere else was still a theme even when her dementia was very advanced.
I never knew if visiting made things better or worse, but in the end I settled on a pattern of turning up in the morning when there was an activity on, joining in with it and then slipping away when the residents went in for lunch.
 

Coco23

Registered User
Jun 1, 2023
26
0
I feel for you. Dad had to go into respite for 2 weeks as I was away and mum was at her wits end. Again doing activities was really not his thing but the nurses said he was happy chatting to other residents and liked to think he was the one who organised things! The home suggested that mum didn't visit for the 2 weeks as it might upset him so I would definitely try Sarasa's idea of going in when they're doing something. Have you checked with the home - I'm sure she's settled when you're not there, it's just the seeing you and then leaving. I now my neighbour always calls before he goes to see his wife to see if they think it's a good time. Not easy if you working I know. Just don't feel guilty if you don't go so often.