Mum going into care home.

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Dawn1, Nov 12, 2010.

  1. Dawn1

    Dawn1 Registered User

    Nov 11, 2010
    I am new to the site and am wondering if anyone is going through similar to me. My mum is in late stages of Vascular Dementia and she is about to go into a home. Her body and mind are both affected and my mum is no longer mobile. Nurses have to use a hoist now. It is v sad seeing her like this. 5 years ago we had no idea what lay ahead!
  2. watfordchap

    watfordchap Registered User

    Nov 12, 2010
    Hello Dawn

    I'm sorry that the illness has got to the stage where your mum has to go in to ft care.

    My dad is 64 and has been in f/t care since September. He is in an observation ward at the local mental health clinic as he's behaviour is very challenging and they feel he's not ready for your traditional care home. He'll stay there until he becomes more manageable. It's a nice little place, and the care seems excellent.

    All I can say to you is I felt very guilty about placing him in there. We provided care for 6 years and it took it's toll on me. I almost had a breakdown. But try not to feel bad, I'm sure you've done everything you can.

    Knowing my dad is safe is a big relief. I have heard horror stories about certain care homes. All I can suggest is regular visits and if there are any issues you have with the care your mum gets make sure you point it out straight away. It may also be a good idea to keep a log.

    However not all care homes are bad, some in fact are very good.

    All the best Dawn
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Dawn

    My husband has to be hoisted.
    Like your mum he was diagnosed 5 years ago and the dementia has affected his physical well being too.
    He doesn`t seem to mind the hoist at all. The staff are very gentle with him and talk to him all the time while they are hoisting and although it looks awful to me, he seems totally untroubled by it.
    Try not to let it upset you too much. xx
  4. Dawn1

    Dawn1 Registered User

    Nov 11, 2010
    Thank you for your kind words. Things are complicated by the fact I live in England with my husband and 3 sons and mum is in Scotland. I would move tomorrow to Scotland, but my husband and sons don't want to. I work full time in a job where I don't get 2 days off together and I rarely get to visit. I realise now I have go try and get part time work to allow me time to visit. My dad needs support as well. I think this disease is cruel and often it's the family who hurt the most. My mum is oblivious most of the time! I wish you all the best for your own situation and really feel for you. My 19 year old son was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at just 14, after a head injury which exacerbated things and I know mental health wards are not the nicest places to be. Good luck and best wishes.
  5. turbo

    turbo Registered User

    Aug 1, 2007
    Hello Dawn, It is so difficult when you are a long distance carer and working full time. I hope your Mum's move into the care home goes ok. Please let us know how you are getting on.

  6. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    Hello Dawn

    Sounds like a hard situation for you, with mum so far away.

    No, you can't expect your family to move to Scotland, that would have to be a major decision that everyone agreed to. Is it possible to investigate care in England, close to you, for your mum instead?

    I'm aware that funding arrangements are different in Scotland, so you'd need to look into this.

    Would your employer let you alter your hours so that you do get two days off together, or could you take holiday on one of the days, so as to get to Scotland?

    On the other hand, if you've rarely visited your mum, perhaps you don't need to visit any more often now, even though I'm sure you want to. She will be used to you not being there, so that might not be a problem to her.

    All are possibles. Have a think on my suggestions, and let us know how you go on.



    Finding a job of any kind at the moment is difficult, but see what you can do.
  7. FifiMo

    FifiMo Registered User

    Feb 10, 2010
    What Margaret has suggested sounds like a good idea. You could use your mum's need for care as the reason for her to move nearer to you perhaps? Would your dad be willing to move south too maybe?

    I do know in Scotland that it is possible to transfer funding from one area in Scotland to another as my grandfather was in Aberdeen and when he needed to move into care he moved near to my parents and Aberdeen just transferred the funding to the local authority there. So there is no reason why that shouldn't be made to happen if you are up for the task of sorting things out.

    If none of this is possible, then I understand your quaundry as my sisters and I are in the same position as you are where we are all down south and our mother is in Scotland. My mother however is refusing to go into a home and keeps changing the locks for a variety of reasons - only problem is - the locks aren't changed - she has some guy add a new one every time ! LOL

  8. Dawn1

    Dawn1 Registered User

    Nov 11, 2010
    Thank you all for your comments. I don't think my dad wants to move down South. All his and my mums friends ard in Glasgow and they have my sister there. It just doesn't feel right working full time. I do want to visit more regularly while I get the chance. Best wishes to you all. Dawn x
  9. Bezzy

    Bezzy Registered User

    Oct 23, 2010
    Hi Dawn,My mum has Alzheimers,she has also had this for five years, im like you just about to experience putting her in a home on the 22nd nov.She cannot be left alone for her own safety now,but its hard for me because i feel so guilty as i have been looking after her since my dad passed away in january, also the fact shes only 68 and still knows me.I will be heartbroken but i tell myself at least she will be safe and looked after 24/7. Keep intouch and let me know how things are going. Sending big hugs xx
  10. oldsoulchild

    oldsoulchild Registered User

    Apr 16, 2008
    i was reluctant to even think about putting my mam in a home but she was very unsafe and was given an emergency placement in july. if i really think about her being there and why, i get upset, so i concentrate on the positives. she's well fed, warm, clean, and most of all she's safe. i miss her but can bring her home whenever i want to, i can also take the dog to visit her when i go each day which is great. try not to worry, its the right thing to do for everyone involved. i dont regret agreeing to let her go to a home, i only wish that she wasnt poorly in the first place :eek: but we cant change that,
    good luck and try not to worry too much,

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