Mum doesnt recognise me, or believe I'm her daughter

MrsV

Registered User
Apr 16, 2018
140
Northamptonshire
Mum, 83, Alzheimers for 4 yrs, lives alone independently until recently. Mum needs carers now, waiting for SS to arrange carers for us (its been 3 weeks waiting now), we work full time and cant provide hands on care, only brief evening visits and weekend visits. Shes lost the ability to use anything it the kitchen except the kettle, and that proving difficult now (pouring the boiling water into the tea caddy ruining all the teabags). She cant dress herself, or shower or wash hair, needs prompting for meds, to eat. Goes to a daycare centre 3 days a week, but cant remember being there, swears she been alone in the house for weeks, no one visited.

This past few weeks she doesn't recognise me, I tell her I'm her daughter but she doesn't believe me, says she doesn't know me, and is forcibly pushing me out of her house, endless shouting at me saying she will call the police. We returned from a nice shopping trip, I was putting her groceries away in the kitchen and she suddenly turned on me, didn't know who I was going in her cupboards, she hit me, and tried to drag me out of the kitchen, she wanted to call the police to get me out. I showed her the family photos of me and her, still didn't register I was her daughter. She pushed me out of the house, and kicked my car banged on the car bonnet and windows yelling at me to never come back after what I'd done (?), causing a scene with her neighbours. I have to go there again today to give her meds and food. I feel physically sick to have to do this today now. Shes on risperidone for aggression and anxiety already. How do we cope with this. SS don't seem to be in any hurry to arrange caers for us
 
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Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
3,810
Nottinghamshire
Hello Mrs V

I’m not surprised you’re extremely stressed about this. Do you think your mum will accept carers if she’s not allowing you to help? I think I’d be calling her GP and asking for an urgent referral to the mental health team.

You’ll probably have to chase SS up. I had to to get carers for my dad. The mental health nurse also phoned SS for me and got results! In my experience they tend to drag their feet.

I hope your mum’s ok today and more co-operative. Let us know how you get on.
 

MrsV

Registered User
Apr 16, 2018
140
Northamptonshire
Hello Mrs V

I’m not surprised you’re extremely stressed about this. Do you think your mum will accept carers if she’s not allowing you to help? I think I’d be calling her GP and asking for an urgent referral to the mental health team.

You’ll probably have to chase SS up. I had to to get carers for my dad. The mental health nurse also phoned SS for me and got results! In my experience they tend to drag their feet.

I hope your mum’s ok today and more co-operative. Let us know how you get on.
Hello Bunpoots,
Thanks for your reply. I've chased-up SS every week, left a message, and told the person who came to do the Needs Assessment was off sick, then on a weeks holiday, short staffed, underfunded and someone would call me back. But no one has. I'll be on the phone to them again tomorrow morning. When we rang the GP to ask how we get SS involved they said we have to ring them ourselves, we did and arranged the needs assessment ourselves.... then nothing for 3 weeks.

Mum probably wont accept carers, but I'm afraid Mum will have to, as we cant be there as we work. The person who did the needs assessment said if she doesn't want to have carers they cant force her. But its in her best interest as shes lost capacity. We had a dementia review last week with GP and we weren't told anything about a mental health team, or offered any help in chasing SS. they mentioned we need a financial assessment, and were still waiting, not heard anything further about it. Thank you i'll chase via the GP too.

thank you for your suggestion bunpoots.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
3,810
Nottinghamshire
GPs sometimes need a push too. Dad was sent a community mental health nurse who visited at his home. I made sure I was there too. She was with him every week for about six weeks and I found her input helped hurry SS up. I’d been chasing them for weeks.

She also suggested that I set up carers before SS got their act together and when I eventually saw the social worker she said they would back pay any care fees we hadn’t already paid if dad was entitled to help.
To be honest I was so desperate by this point (and had LPA for dad’s finance and health) that I was prepared for dad to pay anyway...whether or not he should.

I hope you get help soon.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
857
Hi @MrsV, you may find this morning that your mum greets you with open arms and knows you are her daughter. I doubt she'll remember anything about her outburst yesterday. My mother had these glitches quite often, usually when she was convinced the neighbours had been in and stolen things, but sometimes she'd phone me up and accuse me of various things. As mum was self-funding and refusing help at home I just moved her to a care home for her own safety.
I think if it happens again phone 111 and get the paramedics out. Mum often phoned the police and they usually contacted the paramedics too. They will be able to assess her and see if she needs to go to hospital. It'll also get back to Social Services and will be evidence towards your mum getting the help she needs.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
1,470
Dorset
I don’t know how other Councils go about organising Care at home but our local Authority took months to get assistance set up as they first had to get agreement/permission to put it in place and then put the contract out to Care firms to put in a tender. If nobody had the staff to take it on you had to wait until somebody did! So even if your social worker had done his/her job quickly and well they were dependent on umpteen others before something was finally in place.
 

MrsV

Registered User
Apr 16, 2018
140
Northamptonshire
Hi @MrsV, you may find this morning that your mum greets you with open arms and knows you are her daughter. I doubt she'll remember anything about her outburst yesterday. My mother had these glitches quite often, usually when she was convinced the neighbours had been in and stolen things, but sometimes she'd phone me up and accuse me of various things. As mum was self-funding and refusing help at home I just moved her to a care home for her own safety.
I think if it happens again phone 111 and get the paramedics out. Mum often phoned the police and they usually contacted the paramedics too. They will be able to assess her and see if she needs to go to hospital. It'll also get back to Social Services and will be evidence towards your mum getting the help she needs.
Hi Sarasa,
Thanks for your suggestions. When I got here she didn't remember anything about her behaviour, so I didn't say anything. She said someone came earlier from work and told her to clean all her kitchen cupboards, the entire kitchen cupboards were emptied on the floor. I wanted to take her out for sunday lunch, but she refused to leave the house as people were all coming to visit and have tea and cake. So we sat and waited for the non-existent visitors. Then she asked me why I was there, I said I'm your daughter, I've popped in to make you some lunch ....Mum total denied I was her daughter again, said it wasn't possible, and got very vocal about it. She refused her meds, and didn't want to eat anything. She continued to take everything out of the kitchen cupboards, talking to herself and shouting, so after a couple of hours I left her to it.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,390
Kent
Then she asked me why I was there, I said I'm your daughter, I've popped in to make you some lunch
Hello @MrsV

If your mum asks why you are with her it tells you she is in the phase of extreme confusion and not knowing you.

May I suggest if she asks again you tell her you are there to help her.

I know how painful it is not to be known. There were many times when my husband didn`t think I was his real wife and nothing I said helped. I had to be satisfied during those periods that he saw me as someone acceptable.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
857
Oh @MrsV , that sounds tough. If you can manage it, and I know how difficult it is to chase people when you are working, I'd hassle Social Services today. It sounds like three visits a day isn't really going to be enough for long, but I guess you need to try.
 

MrsV

Registered User
Apr 16, 2018
140
Northamptonshire
Hello @MrsV

If your mum asks why you are with her it tells you she is in the phase of extreme confusion and not knowing you.

May I suggest if she asks again you tell her you are there to help her.

I know how painful it is not to be known. There were many times when my husband didn`t think I was his real wife and nothing I said helped. I had to be satisfied during those periods that he saw me as someone acceptable.
Ok thanks Grannie G. I'll try that when I go tonight. Its horrible not to be recognized, yet other family members are, it feels personal, but I guess I just have to brush it off. What was alarming was that she really thought I was a total stranger trying to steal things from the kitchen cupboards, when I was packing her groceries away for her.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
608
High Peak
It may be less to do with how she sees you but more how she now sees herself. When my mum started saying I couldn't possibly be her daughter I asked her why and she immediately said, 'Well, you're far too old for a start!' (Thanks mum!)

But it seemed she had regressed and thought she was a young woman. It therefore made sense to her that she couldn't possibly have a daughter older than she was. At this time she also talked about picking her kids up from school or even going to school herself. She also thought she lived with her parents and kept wanting to go there. She thought it totally ridiculous when I told her she was 87.

It's awful though. Even worse that she had no problem recognising my brother on the rare occasions he breezed in.
 

SKD

Registered User
This is so hard but sadly not uncommon - my Mum once thumped me for being in her bathroom when she didn't recognise me. My Mum no longer knows me as her daughter - she sees herself as being in her late teens I think so she can't possibly have a 50+ daughter. The saddest part for me is no longer being able to call her Mum - she simply doesn't respond to that name. On the plus side she does seem to have some memory of me as a safe and known person she will allow to be with her.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,063
I agree with GrannieG.

My mother no longer has any idea who I am as far as I know. I never say who I am as I don't want to add to her confusion. One time she thought I was her sister (she doesn't have a sister) and another time she said "you look just like my mother" and I just said "yes, great isn't it!" and carried on talking to her. I assume it's because she thinks she's about 30 so obviously I am far too old to be her daughter - whereas I do look like my gran when she was 60.

So keep it simple and say your name and that you're there to help her. If you behave as if everything's fine and 'jolly her along' you may find she goes along with it rather than becoming distressed. If she doesn't know you're her daughter it's unlikely you will persuade her of it.

It does sound to me as if your mother is close to the time when she will need supervision 24/7, which will mean a care home. My mother is in a CH and she is much happier there than she was towards the end of her time at home. She is no longer anxious, and there is always someone on hand to reassure and help her.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,152
I agree with GrannieG.

My mother no longer has any idea who I am as far as I know. I never say who I am as I don't want to add to her confusion. One time she thought I was her sister (she doesn't have a sister) and another time she said "you look just like my mother" and I just said "yes, great isn't it!" and carried on talking to her. I assume it's because she thinks she's about 30 so obviously I am far too old to be her daughter - whereas I do look like my gran when she was 60.

So keep it simple and say your name and that you're there to help her. If you behave as if everything's fine and 'jolly her along' you may find she goes along with it rather than becoming distressed. If she doesn't know you're her daughter it's unlikely you will persuade her of it.

It does sound to me as if your mother is close to the time when she will need supervision 24/7, which will mean a care home. My mother is in a CH and she is much happier there than she was towards the end of her time at home. She is no longer anxious, and there is always someone on hand to reassure and help her.
I agree. It sounds like a whole team looking after mum is the way forward . One of the tipping points for my mother-in-law to go into care, was her night time confusion and being unable to recognise family. It was an awful experience for my husband when it first happened
 

Mandy76

Registered User
Jul 25, 2019
33
My mother was exactly the same. She constantly mistook me for her sister and would not accept that I was really me. Sometimes she thought I was an impostor there to do her harm. Sometimes I was a stranger, or my dad's "fancy piece", all sorts of people - except the real me!

She was the same with my dad - mistaking him for her own dad, her brothers, a stranger, an attacker, an imposter - it went on and on and she was like this for 7 months before she was hospitalised.

She stopped doing it from the minute she went into hospital - and she now knows us both all the time. We don't know what has caused this difference - the hospital said the change in environment must be what it is but they are sure she would revert back if she was to return home.

She was in the psychiatric locked ward at the local hospital for 5 weeks for assessment, and they have said she requires more care than my dad and me can provide, and also more than a regular care home can provide, so she has been transferred to an NHS care facility for the foreseeable.

When she thought we were other people, we just played along because she became furious if we tried to contradict her in any way.
 

MrsV

Registered User
Apr 16, 2018
140
Northamptonshire
H
It may be less to do with how she sees you but more how she now sees herself. When my mum started saying I couldn't possibly be her daughter I asked her why and she immediately said, 'Well, you're far too old for a start!' (Thanks mum!)

But it seemed she had regressed and thought she was a young woman. It therefore made sense to her that she couldn't possibly have a daughter older than she was. At this time she also talked about picking her kids up from school or even going to school herself. She also thought she lived with her parents and kept wanting to go there. She thought it totally ridiculous when I told her she was 87.

It's awful though. Even worse that she had no problem recognising my brother on the rare occasions he breezed in.
Hi Jaded N Faded,
Thank you for your advice. Yes I think that's exactly how it must be for Mum. She's in another time and sees herself as a young woman. She does keep asking when her Mum will be home from work and her sister (both passed away many years ago). Mum also says about picking the kids up from school too. I guess that's the reason. Poor Mum
 

MrsV

Registered User
Apr 16, 2018
140
Northamptonshire
My mother was exactly the same. She constantly mistook me for her sister and would not accept that I was really me. Sometimes she thought I was an impostor there to do her harm. Sometimes I was a stranger, or my dad's "fancy piece", all sorts of people - except the real me!

She was the same with my dad - mistaking him for her own dad, her brothers, a stranger, an attacker, an imposter - it went on and on and she was like this for 7 months before she was hospitalised.

She stopped doing it from the minute she went into hospital - and she now knows us both all the time. We don't know what has caused this difference - the hospital said the change in environment must be what it is but they are sure she would revert back if she was to return home.

She was in the psychiatric locked ward at the local hospital for 5 weeks for assessment, and they have said she requires more care than my dad and me can provide, and also more than a regular care home can provide, so she has been transferred to an NHS care facility for the foreseeable.

When she thought we were other people, we just played along because she became furious if we tried to contradict her in any way.
Mandy76
LOL, Dad's fancy Piece, oh that tickled me haha.
 

MrsV

Registered User
Apr 16, 2018
140
Northamptonshire
T
I agree with GrannieG.

My mother no longer has any idea who I am as far as I know. I never say who I am as I don't want to add to her confusion. One time she thought I was her sister (she doesn't have a sister) and another time she said "you look just like my mother" and I just said "yes, great isn't it!" and carried on talking to her. I assume it's because she thinks she's about 30 so obviously I am far too old to be her daughter - whereas I do look like my gran when she was 60.

So keep it simple and say your name and that you're there to help her. If you behave as if everything's fine and 'jolly her along' you may find she goes along with it rather than becoming distressed. If she doesn't know you're her daughter it's unlikely you will persuade her of it.

It does sound to me as if your mother is close to the time when she will need supervision 24/7, which will mean a care home. My mother is in a CH and she is much happier there than she was towards the end of her time at home. She is no longer anxious, and there is always someone on hand to reassure and help her.
Sirena

Thank you I will take that advice. I've just said my name to Mum now. She seems ok with that
 

MrsV

Registered User
Apr 16, 2018
140
Northamptonshire
This is so hard but sadly not uncommon - my Mum once thumped me for being in her bathroom when she didn't recognise me. My Mum no longer knows me as her daughter - she sees herself as being in her late teens I think so she can't possibly have a 50+ daughter. The saddest part for me is no longer being able to call her Mum - she simply doesn't respond to that name. On the plus side she does seem to have some memory of me as a safe and known person she will allow to be with her.
Hi SKD
Yes that's so sad when you cant say 'Mum' anymore. Mum gets frightened if she wakes at night and there is no one in the house. I think she thinks shes a child alone too. Its just horrible.
 

MrsV

Registered User
Apr 16, 2018
140
Northamptonshire
I agree with GrannieG.

My mother no longer has any idea who I am as far as I know. I never say who I am as I don't want to add to her confusion. One time she thought I was her sister (she doesn't have a sister) and another time she said "you look just like my mother" and I just said "yes, great isn't it!" and carried on talking to her. I assume it's because she thinks she's about 30 so obviously I am far too old to be her daughter - whereas I do look like my gran when she was 60.

So keep it simple and say your name and that you're there to help her. If you behave as if everything's fine and 'jolly her along' you may find she goes along with it rather than becoming distressed. If she doesn't know you're her daughter it's unlikely you will persuade her of it.

It does sound to me as if your mother is close to the time when she will need supervision 24/7, which will mean a care home. My mother is in a CH and she is much happier there than she was towards the end of her time at home. She is no longer anxious, and there is always someone on hand to reassure and help her.
Hi Sirena,
Were only at the 'arranging carers 3 x daily stage' at the moment. But something seriously worried me this morning. I got to Mums at 7am to get her up, and make breakfast etc before going to work. She was standing on the doorstep, it was still dark and freezing cold, in her night clothes. She didnt know why she was there with the door wide open, said she's looking for us all. This has never happened before, this is something new. We've been told we will get carers visits next week, so that something, finally. But what if Mum does this again.