1. mandyp

    mandyp Registered User

    Oct 20, 2004
    150
    Glasgow
    Hi

    I phoned Dad to arrange his usual day off tomorrow to see what time Mum would be dropped off tomorrow.

    Dad is getting a new carpet and suite so really needs the house to himself to get things organised.

    Mum has decided that we (none of us, my daughter and husband don't like her either), she thought this last week as well it seems. She doesn't want to come out with us.

    I take Mum out every Saturday/Sunday to give Dad a break.

    I don't know what's gave Mum this impression (and I know it's the AD at work), however it still hurts. It was my birthday 2 days ago and she couldn't manage to wish me Happy Birthday, just got a 'hello'. That was sad but this is quite upsetting. Nothing has happened to upset her (at least not that we're aware of). Last week we had a lovely day at a local park (nice walk), stopped and had a bowl of soup to warm us up and saw the animals etc. I thought we all had a nice time.

    Anyway, the upshot is, that this is the one weekend that Dad really needs to get on and he's going to try to convince her to come out with us. What I'm wondering is, should I say something to her to attempt to reassure her......or am I likely to make things worse?

    Dad said she's been getting like this about a lot of people. It's really hard because she just stares into space and doesn't say much (I babble all the time talking rubbish to fill the gaps)

    Thanks

    Mandy
     
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Mandy,
    What do you think would happen if nothing more is said about it, and your dad drops mum off as usual, and you take her out as usual? Do you feel animosity when she is with you?
    It could be that as her dementia is developing she feels insecure with anyone but your dad - recognises a change in her feelings, but can only express this as feeling disliked. I don't think I would try any heavy conversation - just reassure mum when you are out that she is OK, that she is loved, that she is safe.
    Let us know how it goes tomorrow.
    Love Helen
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,658
    Kent
    Hi Mandy,
    When my husband has been with our son, he thinks he`s the best thing since sliced bread,.

    When he isn`t with him, he calls him fit to burn. Says he never comes to see us [he does] says he`s selfish [he isn`t].

    It was our son`s birthday last week. I had to listen to `why should we give him a present, he never gives me anything`.

    All irrational behaviour. All because there are no memories.

    It is probably the thought of having to be sociable that`s putting your mother off. If she has no memory of having a nice day out with you, she won`t be able to anticipate another one.

    If you talk `to fill the gaps` your mother might not be able to follow it. It`s hard for Alz. sufferers to follow 1 to 1 deliberate conversations, they need to concentrate but can`t. That`s by no means a criticism, it`s just how it is.

    She might be deteriorating, she might just be having a bad couple of days.

    I hope your father brings your mother to you as usual, and you all manage to have a good day.

    Let us know how it goes. Love Sylvia x
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Mandy

    I don't think you should worry about your Mum seeming to dislike you. It's just insecurity. Your Mum feels safe when she's with your Dad, she knows the routine, and she doesn't have to try to cope with different surroundings.

    My husband doesn't like to visit his sons, and can't wait to get home, but it's important to maintain the contact.

    It's important that you continue to care for her regularly, your Dad needs the break, and you need to know that you are involved in the caring.

    Don't make a big thing of it with your Mum, she probably doesn't understand her feelings herself, and this will make her more agitated. Just keep things on a pleasant level, and hope you both enjoy the day.

    Good luck,

    Love,
     
  5. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hi Mandy, I think Sylvia's remark:

    All irrational behaviour. All because there are no memories.

    hits the nail right on the head. Just carry on as usual tomorrow, mum may nnot even remember. Do let us know how things go.
     
  6. mandyp

    mandyp Registered User

    Oct 20, 2004
    150
    Glasgow
    Hi

    Thanks for your replies:)

    Yes, I think you're right, Mum is becoming more and more dependant on Dad.

    We've never been a particularly tactile family, but since this has happened I give her more cuddles as I've always thought that while she may not entirely get the gist of conversation......she'll always understand a hug!

    On the 'talking' thing, Mum gets agitated if I don't talk (you're too quiet....what's wrong?, she'll say). So by babbling I've thought that I'm taking the heat off her. But you could be right, perhaps I am putting her under more pressure, I hadn't thought of that!

    I'll take her out and buy her something, that always makes her smile! Even though within 15 minutes, she'll forget what it is.

    Makes me sad, I know that the days of any communication are numbered and I want to spend time with her (and always will_.....she's still my Mum.....even now I still get little glimpses of her wicked sense of humour (and the evil grin that goes with it).

    I know it's just this flipping disease, but it still hurts........I refuse to let it get me down (well, not completely).

    Will post again and let you know how it's gone. My hubby and I are off out tomorrow night for a meal (for my birthday). Mum and Dad will have my daughter. My daughter loves her Gran (who as she says 'sometimes Gran needs a wee hand, don't worry Mum, I help her'). Such a shame, I had a fantastic, amazing Gran (Mum's Mum), I always thought my Mum would make the same kind of Gran as her Mum. That said, they still get on great. I love when I see my (7 yr old daughter) wrapped in a big blanket, curled in with my Mum......both of them purple with the heat.....still refusing to let go of eachother. My daughter likes her Gran's 'pillow chest'.....I'm a skinny Mum....Gran is cosy:)

    Anyway, I'm rambling now!

    Will let you all know how it goes,

    Mandy
     
  7. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Mandy, rambling is fine. It does hurt. Take some photos, to help you remember in the future. My mum still has an occasional smile - and when she smiles it is wonderful.
    Enjoy tomorrow, and enjoy your evening out.
    Love Helen
     
  8. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    625
    North East
    Hi Mandy

    Sadly, my mum went through a stage like that - we (her 3 daughters) all loved Dad more than we did her in her eyes. This was at the beginning of the AD, before I really understood what was happening, and I used to feel so hurt.

    She would go and lie on her bed crying - this was all a couple of years ago, when dad was still with us, but it's stuck with me and still makes me feel sad.

    On a more jolly note - Happy Birthday for tomorrow and hope you have a lovely meal.

    Libs
     
  9. Lillie

    Lillie Registered User

    Oct 21, 2006
    15
    Midlands
    Happy Birthday Mandy. Hope you have a lovely meal with your husband x x
     
  10. Gwyneva

    Gwyneva Registered User

    Feb 11, 2007
    8
    Hi Mandy,

    When I'm visiting my mum these days I take time to tell her that I love her. This isn't at all what I would have said in the past. But now mum is like 'the baby' and it feels OK to say "oooo I love you mum". Sometimes it makes her smile!

    Would it make things worse with your mum to say something reassuring - no - not if it was really reassuring for her.
    Hope it works,
    love Gwyneva
     
  11. mandyp

    mandyp Registered User

    Oct 20, 2004
    150
    Glasgow
    Hi

    Thanks for all the birthday wishes....meal was great and hubby and I had a nice night out.

    My daughter and I took Mum out for a wander round the shops, we also went for a bit of a nibble (soup and toffee lumpy bumpy cake.....one of Mum's favourites). Mum also came with me when I got my eyebrows waxed (for the first time - eek). Something Mum used to get done regularly, although she's forgotten that. She was absolutely fine.

    Sunday we all went out again, we had a project, some accessories for my daughters outfit for her school Valentine's disco. Mum seemed to enjoy helping her to pick some really hideous jewellery - oh to be 7 again, when bad taste didn't matter....the more glitter the better!

    I didn't approach the subject of her not liking us at all, but did give her a couple of cuddles and told her she was the best Mum in the world.

    I spoke to Dad on the phone tonight (first time I've been able to without Mum hearing). He asked her if she'd felt any better about going out with us this weekend.....she looked at him like he had horns and didn't seem to have a clue what he was talking about.

    So, all seems to be fine for now.......but I imagine it'll not be the last time this happens, just another wee thing we'll have to get used to,

    Thanks again,

    Mandy
     
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Well done, Mandy. Your Mum obviously enjoyed her outings. Glad you had a good birthday.

    Love,
     
  13. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,658
    Kent
    Dear Mandy,

    I`m glad the day out was so successful. You have realized what I am just beginning to, and that`s not to believe that just because it was OK once, it will necessarily be OK every time.

    What is it? Seize the moment! Love Sylvia x
     

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