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Mum doesn’t recognise me

Jag1908

New member
Nov 27, 2020
2
0
Today is my first post. I have looked on here many times to seek comfort in dealing with dementia. My mum went into a care home September she lived with me and my husband for two years but in July / August there was a rapid decline and we reached crisis point where a home was the only option. I visited today in lockdown and had a conversation through a window. Her initial greeting was ‘what do you want- I’ll get someone’ shouted for a carer. I went on to explain I was Jen and had come to see her. Her look was blank... she said don’t know and then continued to have a conversation with herself. I tried desperately (probably too much) for her to engage and was desperate for her to realise who I was as though I was prolonging the inevitable. The weird thing is I knew this was coming. For a long time Mum had mixed me up with various other relatives but today she said she didn’t have a daughter - that really touched a nerve that The reality being I had lost my mum just that little bit more ....
 

Lorna44

Registered User
Jul 16, 2016
210
0
Surrey
Sending you lots of love and hugs, its heartbreaking. I remember so well the first time my Mum didn't know me and it hurts so much. I hold onto my mums memories for her x
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,365
0
Hi @Jag1908 , and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. Before she went into a care home last year my mum could on occasion get muddled with who people were. Christmas 2018 for instance she thought my brother was my dead dad, his wife and her sister were themselves, but also the paid help and she spoke about me to my face as though I wasn't me, 'Sarasa always says...'. Other times she was fine, and when she went into the care home she always knew me when I visited, though I think she often forgot my name.
Fast forward to this year. After the March lockdown I didn't see mum till September. I could meet her in the home without a screen, though I did have to wear PPE. She denied knowing me, said I was horrid and wanted me to go away. Things slightly improved, but the meeting wasn't great and I didn't stay long.
Though it is something I expected, it's a shock when it happens I just take comfort from the fact she looked well and cared for, and seemed as settled in her environment as she could be.
The staff and I agreed that things would probably improve if I visited weekly, but since then the home has either been in lockdown only only offering window visits, that due to mums eyesight and my hearing wouldn't really work.
I hope next time you visit is better for you, and that your mum remembers who you are, or at least want to talk to you. Keep posting here you'll get lots of advice and support. It's a great community.
 

Fiona F

Registered User
Apr 12, 2020
39
0
56
Southampton
My mum (90 with AD with probable Lewy Body), has recently stopped knowing who I am. I see her every day, often several times a day, as she lives very nearby, & I realised that she thought I was her cousin. I can't remember quite what the 'conversation' was but from something she said it was evident that she thought I was her cousin Peggy (who is deceased). I said to her no I wasn't Peggy, I was her daughter Fiona. Mum was totally flabbergasted! She said "What? You're telling me I have a daughter? Well that's news to me! I can't believe it! ". I asked if she remembered having me as a baby, small child, teenager........ NO! No recollection at all. I said to her "so when I come round to see you every day, who do you think I am?" - she said "well I've always thought of you as my cousin, or sister" (she doesn't even have a sister). I've asked her on several other occasions over the last couple of weeks & shown her photos of her with me a a baby, toddler, & various stages of my life to test whether it varies - but no, when I ask her she still doesn't know who Fiona is. I'm an only child, but she still recognises my husband. She has several regular carers but never knows who is who, only that she knows them as her 'nurse'. I thought I'd be more upset than I am, but actually, in a selfish way, it's ok because it eases the guilt I constantly feel when I'm not seeing her or can't stay too long - due to work, shopping, running a home, trying to have a life of our own. I was always wracked with guilt, imagining she was always waiting & wondering when I would next pop round, gazing out the window lie a lost sheep - but obviously not! If she doesn't know who I am, doesn't know she has a daughter, it makes things a bit easier on the guilt front. I will still continue to see her every day after work & umpteen times a day at weekends, but I won't feel so bad if my husband & I have a day out, or are busy doing other things.