Mum died the week before Christmas

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by peppa, Dec 26, 2007.

  1. peppa

    peppa Registered User

    Jun 5, 2007

    I guess I am writing this to sign off. Having gone into hospital with what was thought to be a urinary tract infection, mum had a stroke and died within a week.

    With hindsight, of course, I would have pulled out all the stops to be with her in that last week, but as it was I was struggling to place my children with various people in order to visit every day and we were not told until two days before she died that she had had a stroke. I was lucky enough to spend a good few hours with her in the last two days, and although it was hard to tell if she could comprehend anything I feel glad to have held her hand, stroked her hair, given her lavender to smell (she had a great sense of smell and always loved it when I took her lavender) and just talked to her. It was a relatively peaceful death and I feel sure she would not have wanted to be alive if her quality of life had deteriorated even further. We had the funeral service within four days and I think I am still in shock.

    It feels too strange to have lost her so quickly and to have such an important person die. I only joined TP in June and considered myself a bit of a novice, imagining myself writing these posts for years and seeing her reach the later stages that so many of you have written about. I wish you all well. Mum was only diagnosed with vascular dementia about 2.5 years ago, but these have been intensive and anxious years.

    Thank you for being there when I needed advice and for sharing your thoughts on this forum. It has been a great source of comfort for me, and helped me to feel there was a space to discuss feelings that many others simply would not understand.

    Peppa xx
  2. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    North East
    I'm so sorry for your loss Peppa, but glad that your were able to spend time with your Mum in her last few days.

    Take care of yourself

  3. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Peppa, sorry to read your sad and rather sudden news.

    I am glad you had some time with mum. Take care of yourself now and take time to grieve.

  4. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003

    What a shock for you and so sorry. I hope you find some kind of peace in the coming months.

    kindest regards and take care
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear Peppa,

    I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. I'm glad the end was so peaceful, and that you were able to spend some quiet times with her before the end.

    Take some time for yourself now, it will take time for you to get over the loss, particularly as it was so sudden and unexpected.

    Don't feel you have to leave us, we are still here for you, any time you need to talk.

  6. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    Dear Peppa,
    My most sincere condolences to you on the death of your dear Mum. You may feel the need to revisit TP from time to time or to stay in touch - either way please know you are very welcome.

    The death of our loved one with AD is the end of their journey but only a step in our own. For us, the sadness, the relief, the coming to terms, the sudden unexpected reminders that bring such sharp pain (and sometimes joy) - these go on. So come to TP as often as you want, and rmember that those of us here know something at least of what you are feeling.

    Take care of your dear self now.
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Peppa.

    Please accept my deepest sympathy on the death of your mother.

    I understand your feeling that you would gradually become a long term member of TP, as your mother went through her slow decline. It wasn`t meant to be that way and has come far sooner than expected. I just hope it will be some consolation for you that she was spared months and years of suffering.

    Please don`t feel it necessary to sign off. TP will always be here for you whenever you need it.

    Love xx
  8. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Dear Peppa, what a beautiful and thought provoking post under the circumstances .... I am so sorry to hear your news ......whatever all our different circumstances here one common bond is that none of us have the answer to 'how long' .....?

    You are bound to be in shock - take care of yourself - and know that TP is here for you ..............

    Love, Karen, x
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    Sending you my love Peppa with (((BIG HUG ))) xx
  10. nickyd

    nickyd Registered User

    Oct 20, 2007
    Dear Peppa,
    I am so sad to hear that your Mum passed away, and so close to Christmas. Please don't leave TP, I really feel it can help you with your grief, but obviously only do this if and when you feel ready.
    I joined TP in October, 6 weeks after my Mum had passed away, and I feel it has helped me alot.
    It is very early days for you, so I understand how you are feeling, especially as it was very sudden for you.
    Remember, there is always somone here for you, Peppa.
    Take care of yourself, Love & Hugs, Nicky xxx
  11. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    Dear Peppa,
    I am so sorry to read of the loss of your Mother.
    Knowing that you were there and able to hold her hand and spend some precious with your Mum I hope that has helped you.
    On reflecting - your Mother gave you life and you were with her at her passing.
    Very best wishes to you. Christine
  12. clarethebear

    clarethebear Registered User

    Oct 16, 2007
    manchester, uk
    Hi Peppa

    I'm so sorry to hear of the passing of your mother. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. If ever you feel the need to chat with people who have an idea of what you are going through, please post here.

    I lost a loved one in November of this year, and still find comfort in this site. So please don't sign off just yet, just because you mother has passed we are all still here for you.

    Take Care
  13. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    Dear Peppa, I'm really sorry to hear the news about your mother. I do hope you continue to post on TP whenever you feel the need. Please take care of yourself. Kind regards Deborah
  14. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Dear Peppa,

    I am sorry that your mum passed away. Deepest sympathy, take care of yourself. Caring Thoughts, Taffy.
  15. Londoner

    Londoner Registered User

    Dec 15, 2007

    Dear Peppa,

    Just wanted to add my condolences to you also. Its so good you were able to comfort your Mum in her last days and I hope this brings you comfort. Look after yourself, I'm sure your Mum would want that.

    Hugs at this very sad time. Londoner. xxx
  16. peppa

    peppa Registered User

    Jun 5, 2007
    Thank you all for your posts, all of which have given me strength.

    I can see that it will probably be a good idea for me not to abandon tp right now. It is comforting to know there are so many other people out there who have experienced the dementia process. I remember in June, when Mum was in hospital and having a terrible time and seemed to be totally 'out of it' I was struck with a feeling of mourning. I felt I was mourning the person I loved as I would never be able to communicate with her in the same way again. Luckily this was not the case and Mum was amazingly lucid after that. How foolish though not to have grabbed every minute thereafter and really done everything I could to improve her quality of life. I had plenty of good ideas, but felt I had time to put them into practice.

    I is natural to have these regrets. But looking back and seeing this strong, feisty woman become a little bird struggling for life I feel dreadful for not making things better. I have to keep telling myself I didn't know she would die, but she told me many times this year that she thought she was. I thought this just another 'irrational' idea and was pretty dismissive (it seemed similar to the paranoia she and so many others experience). I know I also have to acknowledge that I was exhausted with all the hospital visits, doing admin for her house, caring for my own young children, etc. and simply didn't have the energy or mental space to see what was going on.

    I do feel 'glad', I suppose, that she was spared months and years more of suffering, but I would feel better about it if I knew I'd really supported and listened to her this last year. Maybe I did and just can't see that yet.

    Anyway, thanks again. I sense the grieving is about to begin.

    peppa x
  17. nickyd

    nickyd Registered User

    Oct 20, 2007
    Hello again Peppa,
    As you say it is normal to have these regrets and we all have them.
    I am so glad that you feel you will stay with TP, and it is a comfort to you that there is a lot more people out there going through what you are, I know that has helped me, even though it hurts me so.
    Remember, keep in touch Peppa, we will try to help you in this difficult time.
    Love and Hugs, Nicky xxx
  18. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear Peppa

    You know, don't you, that your feelings are completely normal?

    When we lose someone we love, we always feel that we didn't give enough. But you also know that you did, you loved your mum, and she knew that you loved her. She died at peace.

    Yes, the grieving has started, and may go on for a long time. But try to get rid of the guilt feelings, you know your mum wouldn't want that.

    Please stay with us, and let us know any time you need some support. We're always here for you.

    Love and hugs,

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