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Mum diagnosed with mixed dementia and feeling overwhelmed

Kathychick

New member
Jul 12, 2020
3
Hi everyone
My 73 year old Mum has over the past couple of weeks been diagnosed with Mixed dementia - vascular and Alzheimers. She also has a longer tem mental health diagnosis of schizo affective disorder which has been ever present all of my life. This is no surprise and is in fact a relief that she can hopefully access more services.

Mum doesnt remember that she has been diagosed with these conditions from day to day and completely denies that there is anything wrong with her. I have her car at the moment for fear that she will drive it before contacting the DVLA and following that process throughwhich is causing major problems. She is not eating properly, carries her ipad, house deeds, around with her in big carrier bags for fear that someone is going to come in the house and steal them. She loses her keys constantly, and is convinced someone is coming into the house and moving things.

She denies that she needs any support from carers. She calls my sister and I around 20 times a day and definately is forgetting to eat. She ifiercely refuses to believe there is anything wrong with her - this is also how she has behaved for as long as i can remember due to her mental health condition.

. I dont know how to convince her she needs more support than we can emotionally and practically give her. She point blank refuses to engages with the process of power of attorney which would make supporting her so much more simple. So it;s frustration and anger i feel - at needing to dig even deeper into an already empty bucket of patience, tolerance, emotional support - and then guilt and sadness, about feeling resentful about that and that this is happening- so hard to see her so anxious most of the time. I. Feel completely overwhelmed.

Any advice much appreciated.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
94
Unfortunately it will be slow and bureaucratic but I think you can apply for power of attorney to the court of protection without her agreement. Your situation sounds terrible but alas as she worsens her resistance to help may lessen.
 

Kathychick

New member
Jul 12, 2020
3
Unfortunately it will be slow and bureaucratic but I think you can apply for power of attorney to the court of protection without her agreement. Your situation sounds terrible but alas as she worsens her resistance to help may lessen.
thankyou - yes I have just been looking up how to apply to become a deputy. It sounds long winded but it's creating such tension between us and frustration on my part I dont think it is worth pursuing at any more at the moment. From reading the info here it feels as though Mum is moderately affected at this stage but as you say as she worsens she may become less resistant to help although insight and acceptance of her condition is not going to improve, I fear.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,973
South coast
Many (most?) people with dementia lose the ability to understand that they have something wrong with them, not just the ones with previous problems, so we all understand the difficulties.

It sounds long winded but it's creating such tension between us and frustration on my part I dont think it is worth pursuing at any more at the moment.
Yes it is long winded. I had to go for deputyship as mum would not allow me to have POA either. She was in the middle stages too and it is often about this time that it becomes necessary. I waited too long (because I didnt know about it) and the long process caused no end of problems, because she stopped paying her bills (I found the letters in the airing cupboard posted between the towels). Do you actually have to tell your mum? I didnt tell mum what I was doing at all. I know that there are a couple of forms that you have to tell her about, but the guidance says that you have to tell them in words they can understand so that gives you a lot of wiggle room.
 

Kathychick

New member
Jul 12, 2020
3
ok
Many (most?) people with dementia lose the ability to understand that they have something wrong with them, not just the ones with previous problems, so we all understand the difficulties.


Yes it is long winded. I had to go for deputyship as mum would not allow me to have POA either. She was in the middle stages too and it is often about this time that it becomes necessary. I waited too long (because I didnt know about it) and the long process caused no end of problems, because she stopped paying her bills (I found the letters in the airing cupboard posted between the towels). Do you actually have to tell your mum? I didnt tell mum what I was doing at all. I know that there are a couple of forms that you have to tell her about, but the guidance says that you have to tell them in words they can understand so that gives you a lot of wiggle room.
that's really useful to know. I may start looking into it
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
814
Hi @Kathychick, welcome to the forum. I'm really sorry to hear about the current situation with Mum. It's all too common for a loved one with dementia to deny diagnosis even if it is written in black and white - and even if they do accept initially this is often forgotten. You should definitely apply to the Court of Protection for Deputyship as it sounds as though Mum will need it soon (if she doesn't now). In the meantime I wouldn't give up on getting consent from Mum for Lasting Power of Attorney - have you suggested to her about getting a solicitor to do it 'all properly', she may be more willing to go down that route (although you would have to pay for it - if you have a family solicitor that may help), the Solicitor could also hold the Deeds to the Property for her.

The refusal to accept the need for help is also extremely common and there is no easy way around that. All you can do is continue to suggest it and not disregard it as she has declined historically. Hard going I know.

Have you applied for Attendance Allowance which will help pay towards some support for Mum - even if she isn't willing at the moment. Mum can also get 100% relief on Council Tax if you have a formal diagnosis that the GP can validate - worth calling the Local Authority or checking on their website.

Stay strong, all the best