Mum diagnosed with Alzheimer's at 56

[smobbsy]

Hello,
I am 26 years old and my mum recently got diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Struggling to get to grips with it. Don't know what I should be doing to help. My mum lives with my dad. He is doing his best but they moved house last year and are doing it up whilst trying to deal with what is going on with mum. My dad is trying to deal with everything on his own so me and my sister aren't really in the loop with what is happening with mum so we are in the dark a little bit. Don't know how best to help them both as dad says we don't understand because neither of us live with them. I am also getting married in Portugal next year and really hoping that mum will be able to come and enjoy it as much as I would love her to.
Any advice on how to help mum and dad would be great.
Thankyou

 

[Rich PCA Carer]

Welcome to Talking Point. Sorry you have needed to find this forum but there are many knowledgeable people here who can help with all manner of queries and information.

If you are remote, it will certainly be the case that your father will have a far better understanding of what is happening. It will be difficult to really understand unless you are with your mother for some time. If you visit for an hour or two she is very likely to raise her game and deliver her best performance for you, something we call hostess mode. Once you leave your father will see the major drop in function and have to deal with it.

Depending on how far your mother's Alzheimer's progressed before they sought a diagnosis she could have a broad range of symptoms. She might well be able to make your wedding, but you will only know once you understand how far her symptoms have progressed.

Your parents may be trying to get on with life as though nothing has changed and be unwilling to discuss the Alzheimer's and unwilling to accept help. This may make things difficult for you to get close, but I would urge you to persevere and seek to support them as best you can even if this has to be remote. This will require you to do some research, the Alzheimer's Society website is a good place to start, as is Talking Point.

Depending on your parents' financial situation they could face some really difficult times. Your mother will soon, if not already, be unable to work and your father may find that he needs to reduce or even give up work to care for her if he won't or can't get sufficient care for your mother. This could make life very challenging. You need to be aware and supportive or you may find your father fails to cope.

Best Wishes and please keep posting.

 

[MaNaAk]

Hello,
I am 26 years old and my mum recently got diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Struggling to get to grips with it. Don't know what I should be doing to help. My mum lives with my dad. He is doing his best but they moved house last year and are doing it up whilst trying to deal with what is going on with mum. My dad is trying to deal with everything on his own so me and my sister aren't really in the loop with what is happening with mum so we are in the dark a little bit. Don't know how best to help them both as dad says we don't understand because neither of us live with them. I am also getting married in Portugal next year and really hoping that mum will be able to come and enjoy it as much as I would love her to.
Any advice on how to help mum and dad would be great.
Thankyou

Dear Sam,

You and your sister are in my brother's shoes in that your mum puts on her best behaviour when you are both around. When dad's grandchildren are around he is his old self and for me this is wonderful to see but of course I also see the real side of what is happening. First of all do your parents get all the benefits? Your mum could be entitled to attendance allowance and your dad to carer's allowance and once they receive this they could be entitled to council tax reduction or tax credits. Your local alzheimers society can give you a booklet about these benefits.

Your dad is looking out for your mum but you will need to look out for your dad. You and your sister could offer to take your parents out occasionally and also if you were able to take your mum out then that would give your dad a bit of respite. You could also offer to help with housework but then if you don't live at home this could be difficult for you so again the alzheimers society can inform you about what free help there is that could be available for your dad.

Good luck

MaNaAk

 

[Philbo]

Hi Samantha

I am sort of in the opposite position to you in that my wife has dementia and our 2 grown up sons (both married although 1 is now divorced) live relatively close.

She was diagnosed 3.5 years ago and is now 66. Although my sons are very supportive, realistically, there is not much they can do to help me, as they both live busy working/family lives. It doesn't help that as my wife is now incontinent, they can't look after her (babysit) as it would not be fair to expect them to help their mum with toileting etc.

As others have suggested, it may be a case of gradually getting to see the real picture, perhaps by offering to take your mum out (you don't say if your live nearby?), helping them with renovating the new house, inviting them to yours for the day (or longer) at the next "special" occasion etc.

I often wish that I had a daughter who could help my wife with things like make-up (she used to love making herself up - but no chance with me, haven't got a clue), choosing clothes, etc.

Keeping in contact and visiting as much as practicable are important (for all of you). My wife is the eldest of 3 sisters - one lives locally and the other about 80 miles away. The local one we see regularly but the other rings up about every 2 weeks (though my wife can't communicate well) but hasn't visited since February! Neither has ever offered to take my wife off for a few hours or longer.

You are obviously a very caring daughter (the fact that you are taking the time to get support from this forum speaks volumes), so I wish you well in trying to help your parents.

Good luck.
Phil

 

[smobbsy]

Thankyou

Thankyou everyone for your messages. It's really comforting to know that we are not alone.
I'm very lucky that I don't live very far away and neither does my sister. We do our best to visit as often as possible as both of us work full time if not possible always ring to see how they both are.
Our dad struggles with letting us take our mum out for the day but he is gradually getting used to this idea. I think it does them both good. Dad gets a bit of a rest and mum gets to get out and talk about something else other than house renovating or her Alzheimer's.
It's good to hear from a husband as well to try to understand how dad feels as he doesn't let us in very much.
Thankyou for all of your advice