Mum cried so much when I took her back to the CH today

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by SarahL, Apr 5, 2015.

  1. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    I brought my Mum home from the CH for Easter Sunday today and we had a lovely lunch, snooze on the sofa and general chat. She has Alzheimer's and she's been in the CH since December. She kept asking why she went to the CH in the first place and whether she'll be there forever. She said her life's over now and asked not to go back. She cried so much when I took her back and kept cuddling me and telling me how much she loves me and kissing me. It is heartbreaking but I keep reminding myself of all the abuse I suffered for years and how much the caring affected my mental health in order to keep strong. Now the abuse has stopped which I presume is an effect of the medication she's on and she actually seems so much better but I still feel so guilty and in a confused muddle as to her memory loss, particularly as most of the other residents are much more advanced than she is. I know there are no clear-cut answers but any thoughts from anyone out there would be a source of strength and help. Thanks, x
     
  2. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    332
    Ontario canada
    Sarah, my mom has been in a CH for over a year. Like you, dad takes her out for a few days at a time. We keep asking him not to as it just creates this heartache. I know this doesn't help now but for future....try to make plans that focus around the CH. I truly believe that taking our loved ones out of the routine is too confusing and only seems to end up in feelings of terrible guilt. My dad and my siblings would say mom is much more "with it" than the other residents, however, if we question the staff they do not agree. Funny how that works.

    I just wanted to reply as I know it is late in the UK and not many on the forum at this time.

    I think it is always good to remind yourself (as we do with dad on a regular basis) how extremely difficult it was and why mom is in the CH in the first place.
    Take care of yourself
    Carole
     
  3. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,237
    Female
    England
    How sad that what you hoped would be a good day ended with your Mum so upset.

    Being able to bring her out from the care home is a bonus for her but maybe it would be better to take her to a garden centre, pub or restaurant for a meal and not home. The care home is now her home and giving her a sight of what used to be, though a lovely idea, is perhaps not helping her.

    Hopefully she will soon settle and you both get some benefit from the care she is receiving.

    Take care.
     
  4. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Thank you both. I think maybe it would be better to keep things on neutral territory or at the care home, like you both say. It will surely prevent the sadness of seeing normality. It is just that she seemed so lucid today, saying she doesn't like a Polish lady in the CH who keeps asking for food, why was she in there in the first place and that she'd love to have a flat of her own etc. Maybe I'm getting forgetful now of what I've been through (and why she is in the CH in the first place) and because I'm not doing all the care maybe I'm believing some of the things she's telling me... actually I must remind myself that so much is confabulation, example being when we got back to the CH through all the tears and kissing, she said to the carers she'd had a lovely time with me and that she'd helped me tidy up, sweep up and wash the floors - totally untrue! xx
     
  5. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,282
    SW London
    #5 Witzend, Apr 6, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2015
    It must have been very upsetting for you, when you were just trying to give your mum a lovely day. It can be hard to realise that routine is best when it comes to dementia. We brought FIL home with us for Christmas his first year in the care home - we had thought he'd enjoy it, since he always had before. But he was confused and anxious, thinking our house was his own and he ought to be doing this job or that. The CH had told us he'd probably be better left where he was, but maybe sometimes we have to find out these things for ourselves.
    I expect your mum will very soon have forgotten any upset, and at least you won't reproach yourself in future for not bringing her home, when you know it may not be in her best interests any more.
     
  6. Pottingshed50

    Pottingshed50 Registered User

    Apr 8, 2012
    514
    Your post is so familiar and the situation you find yourself in does really pull at the heart strings. We want so very very much for our loved ones to be the people they were and hoping and praying that their behaviour is just normal again but from nowhere a passing statement so easily catapults you back to the situation as it is now.

    Witsend; we brought Mum home to my sons the Christmas before last, everything was going swimmingly when all of a sudden she started issuing her orders. They have one of these wood burners, flaming thing was so hot and the room airless that my son opened the doors through to the rest of the house. Then it all kicked off. Mother stood up , demanded the doors were shut, when my son explained that he had opened for a reason , she rounded on him in a very nasty way, 'this is my house , how dare you tell me that you are not going to shut the doors' and on it went. My son in his 40s was visibly upset as he had always been her favourite. I hasten to add that her coat was found and back to the care home she went. I had not been there for the lunch time but gathered that we had started issuing our orders at the dining table. Being Christmas my son had let that one go.

    So dont blame yourself it is just the illness. Make the most of every good time.
     
  7. Patricia Alice

    Patricia Alice Registered User

    Mar 2, 2015
    179
    Hi Sarah,

    I am feeling exactly the same as you.

    My mom has been in care since December too and it is like ground hog day every day. She has no concept of what happens each day and every day we have to fill in the blank page that is her memory.

    Today has been another heartbreaking visit. She can see it is sunny outside and wants to come out, so I told her I would take her out tomorrow, but then we just get uncontrollable sobbing. She tells us that she never put us in a home!

    I long with all my heart to take her out in the fresh air but I know it will cause her further problems.

    She is quite mobile still and finds just sitting around boring.

    What we have to think of Sarah, and what we have to keep reminding ourself, is that she is warm, safe and cared for, like you our health was started to suffer greatly. I am afraid it is us that carry the guilt.

    We have decided not to bring mom to our homes because this will only add to the problem of getting her back to the care home.

    I think we have got to try and toughen up, something I find difficult to do right now.
     
  8. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Hi Sarah,

    Sorry you had such a difficult time with the transition back to the CH with your mother yesterday. That must have been just awful for you. I think you've had some good advice and suggestions here and hope you are able to find a way to visit with your mum that is less distressing...for everybody.

    Once again your story struck a chord with me. Your description of your mum's behaviour (the cuddling and kissing et cetera) matches my mother's behaviour when we dropped her off the first time at the care home. Luckily one of the nursing staff was in the room and witnessed the scene and afterwards said to me that it was the most skillful display of passive-aggressive and manipulative behaviour she'd seen in some time--on my mother's part, she meant. (My mother was almost universally nasty to me in the past and although this has changed somewhat with the disease, medication, et cetera, she still lets a few zingers fly.)

    I'm not accusing your mother of being deliberately manipulative or anything like that, please don't take offense, but with this horrible disease it's so hard to know what is going on and I was just struck by the similarities.

    Some advice I got about visits was to keep them shorter and less frequent, especially at first. This has worked well, and the time of day also seems to make a difference, as she doesn't do well in the evenings. Daylight is better. I have also found that if my mum doesn't know I am coming, she is upset when I arrive, although this may not be the case for you. I think it was a natural and kind wish to take your mum to your house for Easter yesterday but perhaps visits at the care home or neutral territory would be better, as you say. Hang in there and let us know how you get on.
     
  9. nessy22

    nessy22 Registered User

    Nov 22, 2014
    42
    Dear SarahL and others,
    Your posts ring a cord with me too. Lots of emotion and 'I hate it here' tears but OK when I leave. I don't dare to bring Mum home when I take her out and even avoid driving past. Once I forgot and drove right past her old house. She did not bat an eyelid 'I used to live her' she said' but I wasn't happy, I wouldn't go back'. Stay on neutral territory.
     
  10. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Hi Amy, so much of what you say rings true with me. I do wonder if there is manipulation at play as she really knew how to play the emotional side of me to look after years ago, even before the disease took hold. Then with the disease came terrible verbal abuse (which I'm still recovering from although I thought she was not able to be that way or manipulative anymore, but I suppose it's a personality trait and that never goes away?) Sorry to hear you've had the abuse too and I know exactly what you mean when you say your Mum still comes out with shockers now, I get those too. Luckily they are not as bad as they used to be as she's on medication but when I think back.....................best not to.

    You are spot on about the time of day for visiting as the mornings or early afternoon seem absolutely fine. However when I went in the evening one time she was in a terribly paranoid state and it was distressing. We are changed for good throughout all of this aren't we - when I think about what's gone on over all the years and all the sadness and terrible times. Anyway, onwards and upwards, your support and experiences really help me feel better so thank you so much. xx
     
  11. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Thank you, best advice. x
     
  12. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Hello Patricia Alice, sorry to hear it has been so hard for you. I think we do need to try and toughen up definitely and I am going to try hard to do this. As you say our Mums are cared for and safe now and we should try and regain our lives as much as possible. I think it's the best idea not to bring Mum home again and you are right in your decision, it definitely is for the best. With best wishes, Sarah
     
  13. Liz57

    Liz57 Registered User

    Dec 22, 2013
    184
    Not that it will be any consolation, but I get the same behaviour from mum every Sunday after she's had lunch with me at my home each week. Except that I'm taking her back to her home of over 25 years! I get tears and threats and her begging to take her back to her childhood home "just so I can see it". I promise to take her another day but she doesn't accept it's over 300 miles away ("don't be silly, I could walk it if I wanted to"). I'm beginning to think I won't be able to give her lunch at my house any more and I only live around the corner from her.
     
  14. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Sorry to hear that Liz. I am probably not going to bring Mum back here again either although I promised her she could do my garden with me....there goes the guilt. Hopefully she can do some gardening at the CH instead. Your Mum sounds like mine with the tears, threats and begging, it is heartbreaking and leaves a bad feeling. However somebody on here said to me that they are behaving like the toddler at nursery and I am trying to use that thought to help me feel better especially as, on the whole, Mum is ok at the CH and I must break this awful guilt pattern. Thanks for replying.
     
  15. Liz57

    Liz57 Registered User

    Dec 22, 2013
    184
    Sarah, my daughter has been staying with me for the weekend and although she's noticed a deterioration in her nan, she has hinted that my reaction to my mum's behaviour and not necessarily her behaviour is an issue and I accept that. As you say, for the most part she's OK where she is and even when she isn't, she forgets in an instant. This is hard on us but maybe less so on those we care for.
     
  16. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    That is interesting Liz. I have told myself that I must stop putting the sadness and fears of my working mind, onto Mum's. Her reality is very different to mine. It's all such a steep learning curve though.
     
  17. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    I must tell you all that this is terribly helpful and interesting information for me. I am still so new to all of this (mother diagnosed end of January 2015 after hospitalization for beingfound wandering/disoriented/fallen and injured) and as Sarah says, it's a HUGE learning curve. I try and try and try to absorb information from websites, books, and now some lectures/support groups but it's very, very difficult. Somehow, it's much easier here sometimes. Thank you all.
     
  18. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Hi Amy, it truly does make it easier on here i believe. People's support has given me strength on dark days. If you ever need to chat feel free to email me. Sarah
     
  19. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,975
    Toronto, Canada
    I think it is easier here because everyone is in the same boat and dealing with very similar issues. It's much different to the academic approach, which does have its own merits.
     
  20. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Thank you, Sarah, and I may take you up on that.

    So if it's okay to ask (and you needn't talk about it if you'd rather not), how are you doing about ideas about visiting with your mum?
     

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