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Mum convinced we have sold her house and taken the money

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Loz2015, Dec 3, 2015.

  1. Loz2015

    Loz2015 Registered User

    Sep 26, 2015
    Any experience of this one?
    Sure this may be a 'classic' dementia syndrome, so sorry as I'm a new post, but I am struggling how to deal with it.
    Mum (at home with carer support for 12 hours a day) no longer recognises the home she has had for 27 years and thinks the family has sold her real home and dumped her. She is very angry with us and wants the police in and for us to go to jail for stealing her money (from selling her house). I understand that normally we should not question her reality, but as she thinks someone is going to send her out of where she lives now, have been trying to reassure her that 'this place' is hers. But this is not working, she's very angry, any ideas how to diffuse?
    We are "pathetic and simple minded" daughters apparently, but I understand this is part of it
    Thank you so much for your time
  2. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    There will be nothing you can do to pursued her otherwise, just leave the room count to ten and go back in with a coffee. Didn't always work . My OH thinks he has all the money but I and others have stolen it and he is going to get it checked.. I tell him its a good idea. But he never does. This is becoming less aggressive though so maybe your Mums will too. Very distressing I know.
  3. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Hi Daisy, welcome to TP
    Unfortunately there's very little you can do, what she believes is as real to her as the reality of the situation is to you, it is in her head the truth.
    My wife (62 now diagnosed about 6 years ago) wants to go home even though we've lived here for nearly 30 years, brought up 3 children here, some days she askes my who I am even though we're together 24/7.
    Like Mindy says the only thing you can do is deflect, suggest a cup of coffee or something, talk about the weather anything to change the subject.
    You can fight the same battle a hundred times but you'll never win the war.
    The only positive suggestion I have is get some pictures of earlier times in the house, sometimes they can "prove" that it's where she's been for years, where the kids grew up, the family cars anything that triggers a link to the house and her past.
    Good luck, it isn't easy.
  4. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Yes, the issue of not recognising home as it is now is very common. We bought this house five years ago after my husband persuaded me to come and look at it in the building stage. For years he was delighted with it but now mostly thinks we are here temporarily - visiting or in a hotel. Yesterday he would not get off the minibus from daycare as he believed he was at the wrong address. When he saw me running up the path he got out but the day will no doubt come when he doesn't know me either.

    The centre he goes to on Tuesdays and Wednesdays is mixed with only a few with dementia and I am impressed how kind the others are to him and also how eager to tell me what a good day he had.
  5. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    Slightly different since it was not the house she was living in, but my mother became convinced that her sister had 'stolen' their mother's house. I did try reason at first, but soon realised that even cast iron proof signed and stamped by the Lord Chancellor would not have convinced her. If I tried I was just 'in league with' my poor aunt.

    In the end I just started saying e.g., dear me, that's awful, I had no idea, I'll get on to the police/a solicitor first thing tomorrow. That usually satisfied her for the moment. But it was horrible listening to her saying such awful things about my poor aunt, who thankfully she only saw once in a blue moon.
    The initial obsession had been sparked off (as I worked out later) by a very rare visit to that aunt's house, where she recognised some items from their childhood home. Therefore, to her, that WAS the childhood home, and her sister had 'stolen' it.

    I don't know whether you could perhaps do similar, blame it all on some family member she doesn't see - is there anyone she was never keen on? - 'It must have been X - I had no idea' - and say you'll see about it?

    This was an obsession with my mother for quite a while, but it did wear off eventually. I hope you will find the same - I know how wearing it is.
  6. Loz2015

    Loz2015 Registered User

    Sep 26, 2015
    My first post about Mum


    Just to say thank you so much for sharing your experience, it does help. I'm very scared about the future but touched that you made the time to reply.
    Thank you...

  7. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    My mum was often convinced that I had stolen her house and there was no convincing her otherwise. In fact the more I tried to defend myself the more guilty I looked to her. This only stopped when she went into care and got medicated.

    But I still remember how horrible her anger and venom were. She said some terrible things and the only thing that I could do in the end was walk away when she started on me. Not ideal, as she was living alone and in squalor, so very much needed help.

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