Thank you again, for all of your kind comments and support, it has been truly uplifting.
You're helping me to appreciate the need to care for myself in all of this, and given me a sense of inner calm that I have seldom known, very useful for someone who can lash out with words then spend a lifetime regretting them.
I could have never predicted the impact of returning to their empty home and allowing myself to dwell more on the loss of my dad. Previously, I've wept because he died but have felt cushioned from loss, he'd been deteriorating with cancer of the esophagus over two years - so I just thought because I'd known it was coming I wasn't going to feel the loss of him so acutely.
I think I've got that wrong.... now I'm not with mum 24/7 or 225 miles away from her, I think I'll be able to grieve for him now, maybe for the both of them.
With mum, occasionally, when I'd remind her he had died we'd have a little weep; but mostly my energy was focused on explanations and keeping her occupied and revolving around her needs and wants.
I think I've been living in a limbo for a while and now it's time to start coming to terms with the way my life has changed.
Thanks again, I'll be sticking around, as I know I'll be seeking comfort from your forum as time goes on, and who knows, I may be able to give some.