Mum being argumentative

[Catlady10]

Mum has always been argumentative but recently she will make an argument over the slightest thing. She has only just been diagnosed. Is this normal with dementia? Can’t reason with her over most things. She keeps on about everyone wants her in a home or to be dead. I am wondering if she is further along than first thought. I am able to leave but my Dad is really struggling.
Any advice is appreciate.

Tina

 

[Sarasa]

Hi Tina, and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. You'll find lots of support and advice here.
You might find this thread useful in helping you find ways to diffuse arguments with your mother Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired. It has some useful tips, but don't beat yourself up if you can't always follow the advice. I found it very difficult to do with my mum. What worked best with her was distraction so suggesting a cup of tea or a complete change of topic. If you keep trying to prove that a person with dementia (PWD) is 'wrong' you'll get nowhere as they know they are right.
Now might be the time to introduce some help, just someone to come and chat to your mum so your dad can have a break. It then will make things easier if your mum needs help with personal care later down the road.

 

[Louise7]

Welcome from me too @Tina Plummer As your mum has only just been diagnosed it's likely to be a shock for her, and the rest of the family, so it's perhaps not surprising that your Mum may be more argumentative than she usually is. This behaviour can be associated with dementia but if the change has occurred since the recent diagnosis it may well be that your mum is struggling at the moment as a diagnosis is not easy to take in and can often cause an emotional reaction. How is your dad responding to your mum's behaviour? As @Sarasa has already posted, the compassionate communication thread may provide some suggestions for the family. Have you and your dad sat down with your mum to discuss the diagnosis and how she is feeling? You know your mum best so will know if this is something that she would welcome and whether this might be helpful for your dad too. Keep posting as there is a lot of friendly advice and support here.

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello Tina. It's all very difficult but you can't really reason with someone who has dementia. It's best not to argue. Not easy, particularly as all of you will be worried and tense right now, and your mum is probably scared and lashing out because of that.

Is there anything which would help your mum relax do you think? Listening to music? Watching films? Any hobbies that your mum is able to do to keep her occupied and give your Dad a bit of a break?

This is a hard time for you all, so keep posting for advice and support. There are lots of us out here to listen and help you along.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

It really is very hard and enormously frustrating! My mum went through a period where everything I said was wrong and she descended into contradiction mode. So we'd get:
'I thought you were making tea.'
'I have! It's there on the table at your side.'
'That's not my tea!'
'Yes - I just made it for you - in your favourite mug.'
'That's not my mug - I've never seen it before. You took my mug last time you were here'
'I wouldn't do that mum. Here - have your tea. Would you like some biscuits?'
'I don't like biscuits. I've never liked biscuits.'
'What about these chocolate ones?'
'Where did you get those? Those are mine! I didn't say you could have one!'

On and on, she would swear black was white. There were times I really didn't want to be anywhere near her

 

[Finonam]

My Dad died nearly 4 years ago and since then my Mum has struggled with remembering things to do with paperwork. Especially in relation to large things like wills, financial decisions and keeping it. She will swear black is white, and seems to have false memories, like taking paperwork to her solicitor which she wouldn't have been able to do since lockdown as they're not in the office. She'll forget what you just told her and ask again, and can gets very upset and anxious as she knows she's forgetting things or getting muddled up. I can put paperwork in her filing cabinet and then she'll get angry with me and says she "clearly remembers going to the solicitor" and knows that she did. she'll contradict things I know have happened, or says I've promised to go and see her when I know I haven't. She then rings me to find out why I haven't gone.

 

[Finonam]

She had a memory clinic and test in January this year and they've come back and said there isn't anything wrong other than what would seem like normal memory loss, and it's understandable that she would have difficulties as she's had a lot to deal with. My Dad's death which was very unexpected. then she moved house last year, and 6 months before my Dad died I got married.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I'm sorry, @Finonam , but that doesn't sound like 'normal memory loss' to me.

You might want to keep a note of these memory lapses, repetition, confabulations (e.g. thinking she went to the solicitor) and other odd behaviours then send it to her GP/memory clinic and ask that they re-assess her. Often the person is able to maintain 'hostess-mode' and appears much better than they really are when seeing medical professionals. You know her best...