Mum begging to come home

[Tango2708]

Mum has been in a care home for 4 weeks now and it is very difficult to go to see her. She is begging to come home and saying very hurtful relevant things that we know is the dementia talking, but still very painful to hear.
Dad is now on his own at home. He has been very unwell with heart failure but is now constantly saying he wants her home. We have tried this twice before and both attempts ended in failure.
I am trying to cope with mum and her distress, dad and his guilt and refusal to accept mums situation as well as my own grief and guilt. Help!!!

 

[Otiruz]

Mum has been in a care home for 4 weeks now and it is very difficult to go to see her. She is begging to come home and saying very hurtful relevant things that we know is the dementia talking, but still very painful to hear.
Dad is now on his own at home. He has been very unwell with heart failure but is now constantly saying he wants her home. We have tried this twice before and both attempts ended in failure.
I am trying to cope with mum and her distress, dad and his guilt and refusal to accept mums situation as well as my own grief and guilt. Help!!!

Tango I am in no position to offer anything other than comfort and solidarity - this is the loneliest of roads to walk and I'm not sure if you have siblings who can provide support or any Social Services people who you trust to help you make decisions. I have gained comfort from reading lots of posts on TP and whilst every journey is unique, we are all human and share the feelings you are going through. I left my Mum in hospital yesterday and sobbed all the way to the car. One thing I have done though is to contact my local Carers Support organisation and I felt much clearer in my mind after having talked to someone. I hope someone on here can give you some much needed advice - just remember you are not alone.

 

[canary]

Oh Tango, my heart goes out to you. It is always a huge milestone when someone goes into a home and is accompanied by a tremendous ammount of guilt, even when you know that there is no other way.
Four weeks is actually still early days. What is your mum like when you and your dad are not there? When mum went into a home seeing me would trigger the "I want to go home" response, but when I wasnt there she was not upset and seemed settled, so on the advice of the carers I didnt visit for a couple of weeks and that broke the loop. I expect that it will be difficult to persuade your dad not to visit - could you treat it like respite and the pair of you go away for a few days or a week? I think it might help all of you.
BTW, mum is now settled in her CH and has forgotten about her bungalow, but occasionally still talks about going home. When you talk to her, though, it is obvious that the home she is thinking about is her childhood home and she wants to go back there where she thinks that her parents and siblings still live. They all died many years ago. I have learned on here that often the desire to go home is actually a desire to go somewhere/sometime where they are not confused so feel safe.

 

[Amy in the US]

Hi, Tango, and I am sorry to hear about the situation with your mother. You all must be stressed and upset by what is going on.

I wish I had brilliant advice but can only offer sympathy and what I've learnt here on TP and in my support groups and workshops.

I would suggest some kind of support for you, and if your dad would consider it, for him also. I love TP but have also gotten good advice and information from various support groups, carer's cafes, and workshops. I imagine that Age UK and/or the Alheimer's Society, could point you towards what is available in your area.

It sounds like your dad is at least as much a worry as your mum. I wonder if you could get his GP to talk to him, if you think it would help him to hear a "voice of authority" tell your dad that for his sake as well as your mother's, your mother needs the care? Just a thought. Sometimes an adult child is not the right person to deliver advice or suggestions to a parent; they sometimes listen better, when someone else tells them. I also wonder if your dad needs checking or treatment for depression or anxiety or any medical conditions. As you mentioned he has heart trouble I wonder if he could be having physical symptoms or problems from his cardiac condition, that are making him feel worse. Or perhaps he needs a companion or carer to come to the house, for him?

I also wonder if there is some routine of calls or visits between your parents, that would not upset your mother, but would help to calm or reassure your father.

I can give you a very sympathetic shoulder on the not settling and being hurtful front. I would also say to give the situation longer before deciding it's not working; 4 weeks is not very long. Opinions on visiting or not visiting vary and it really depends on the person, their dementia, the family, and the situation in general. Not visiting is what worked for me. After moving my mother to her care home my husband visited, but I did not visit my mother for almost two months, as my presence agitated and upset her and wasn't very pleasant for me, either (and I'd been through all kinds of awful with her in hospital for two weeks prior). Then I started making short visits, never alone, and gradually I was able to make the visits more often and for longer periods of time. A year later, it's fine, although I still mostly visit with my husband.

But you and your family have to do what works for your mother and is best for her. I would talk to the staff and ask how your mother is on a day-to-day basis, so that you have more information, and reliable information, about how she is doing and how she is settling from the staff's point of view. My mother has Alzheimer's and very poor short-term memory and her version of how she spends her time is not accurate, to say the least.

Again, I'm sorry this is so difficult and upsetting for you and your family. I would definitely see what kind of support you can put in place for yourself and your father. Best wishes.

 

[Leswi]

I was in exactly the same position at the end of last year. Eventually we took mum home again and have managed to get overnight care as well as plenty of daytime care. It is not perfect but mum is well looked after and they are still living together. dad gets disrupted still sometimes at night and loses his patience with mum most days. There is no perfect answer but having tried care homes 4 times we have done the best we can to give mum and dad the best from an awful situation and I have got lovely carers who work with me over and above what is expected of them. Is there any way you can consider this set up if mum and dad don't settle with things how they are?