I'm my mother's main distance carer (living in a different county). My brother has also started help after not being interested for some years, which is a very positive development, but he also lives a long way from her. She won't consider moving and I can't move closer to her.
She had some scarily incompetent carers paid by SS and in the end we had to fork out for private care. The new people are a big improvement - Mum is obviously healthier, better fed, better cared for in every way, and the house is a lot cleaner and less smelly (she has double incontinence).
However - the new people come in for longer each day, at times which Mum doesn't approve of (for reasons I won't bother you with, they can't be changed) and precisely because they take more interest in her personal hygiene, she resents them. The old ones used to 'pop in' for 15 minutes, fling down a sandwich and go. She wouldn't let them try to wash her. She won't let me help her with personal hygiene either. She was filthy BUT there was no conflict because they'd given up and weren't actually tackling the hygiene issue at all.
I'm now getting regular furious phone calls with Mum hissing and spitting down the phone: 'Who's this woman? What's she doing here? I don't want her,' 'Did you send her? I want a word with you, we're going to bloody well sort this out,' followed by a long list of things Mum fondly imagines she's doing for herself, like showering, cleaning the house, shopping, feeding herself and administering her own meds. In fact she can no longer do much for herself at all. She tears off the pads the carer lays out for her or coaxes her to wear and stuffs her knickers with toilet paper instead - with predictable results.
I can't find an answer that will pacify her during these calls. My brother and I have tried telling her that the doctor (whom she loves) wants her to have a carer - that worked for a short while, but not now. I've tried 'everybody needs a bit of support as they get older' and 'it's just in case you have a fall, so people would come and find you and help you' and she just screams at me that she never falls (completely untrue). Everything I try fails.
She could be quite fierce and bullying when I was a kid and after many years of not seeing that side of her, it's coming back now. The poor carer is getting the brunt of it.
If I pick my time and phone when the carer isn't there, Mum seems to forget about her and we can actually talk and be friendly. I'm beginning to think I should just leave the answering machine on when she calls about 'this woman' because talking to her is counter-productive. She just stokes herself into a worse rage. What can I say? Has anyone got any suggestions? I also feel sorry for the carer who is doing a really good job but is fought with and insulted at every turn. :-(
She had some scarily incompetent carers paid by SS and in the end we had to fork out for private care. The new people are a big improvement - Mum is obviously healthier, better fed, better cared for in every way, and the house is a lot cleaner and less smelly (she has double incontinence).
However - the new people come in for longer each day, at times which Mum doesn't approve of (for reasons I won't bother you with, they can't be changed) and precisely because they take more interest in her personal hygiene, she resents them. The old ones used to 'pop in' for 15 minutes, fling down a sandwich and go. She wouldn't let them try to wash her. She won't let me help her with personal hygiene either. She was filthy BUT there was no conflict because they'd given up and weren't actually tackling the hygiene issue at all.
I'm now getting regular furious phone calls with Mum hissing and spitting down the phone: 'Who's this woman? What's she doing here? I don't want her,' 'Did you send her? I want a word with you, we're going to bloody well sort this out,' followed by a long list of things Mum fondly imagines she's doing for herself, like showering, cleaning the house, shopping, feeding herself and administering her own meds. In fact she can no longer do much for herself at all. She tears off the pads the carer lays out for her or coaxes her to wear and stuffs her knickers with toilet paper instead - with predictable results.
I can't find an answer that will pacify her during these calls. My brother and I have tried telling her that the doctor (whom she loves) wants her to have a carer - that worked for a short while, but not now. I've tried 'everybody needs a bit of support as they get older' and 'it's just in case you have a fall, so people would come and find you and help you' and she just screams at me that she never falls (completely untrue). Everything I try fails.
She could be quite fierce and bullying when I was a kid and after many years of not seeing that side of her, it's coming back now. The poor carer is getting the brunt of it.
If I pick my time and phone when the carer isn't there, Mum seems to forget about her and we can actually talk and be friendly. I'm beginning to think I should just leave the answering machine on when she calls about 'this woman' because talking to her is counter-productive. She just stokes herself into a worse rage. What can I say? Has anyone got any suggestions? I also feel sorry for the carer who is doing a really good job but is fought with and insulted at every turn. :-(