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Mum at peace on Mothers Day


Registered User
Apr 12, 2013
Thank you for your wonderful kindness in taking time to respond, your words are so comforting.
The senior carer at the CH said today she felt blessed to be part of the passing of my Mum. i`ve have`nt stopped today to reflect, arrangements to be made phone calls and appointments to be made. I remain calm, until someone shows me a little kindness, nieghbours and family rallying (I`m usually the one to do this I`m a "giver" not a very good "receiver") then Niagra falls starts! I know this is all part of the healing process. As I talked to the carers yesterday I described how the whole experience of caring for someone with dementia is in retrospect a positive one the "long goodbyes", step by step gently a factor of our loved ones disappears a gentle measured goodbyes. She didn`t know who I was, then her speech went, just noises, but she was still smiling then the smiles became so weak you had to be quick to catch them, slowly slowly.I used to sit with Mum hugs and cuddles stroking her back as you comfort a baby, and for the last 2-3 weeks I had to say goodbye to that as she was virtualy bedridden, then just holding a hand that used to grip mine but became lifeless, another goodbye, then the last few days, I holding a non-responsive hand, stroking and a kiss or two to her forehead. I was suprised when a carer who had been around for 18 months said, he had never heard Mum talk, this brings it home. I think you will know what I`m trying to say. Yes, it has been a heartbreaking rollercoaster for both the sufferer and relatives, we don`t see it until we`ve lost our loved ones but in time I think we start to see the positives. I think I would prefer this to a sudden death. I appreciate I have been very lucky as Mum really never lost her happy demeanour throughout, she was affectionate to everyone.
I have not made any commitment as yet, but I think my experience needs to be channelled and I hope, when I`m ready, to return to the home on a voluntary basis, just to sit and chat, hold the hands of the lost souls who don`t have visitors. They may talk nonsence, but to them its not, and just to sit or walk with them is helping them and saying "thank you" to the care home who so lovingly care for all their charges. It is hard for the carers, residents often with them for years, as was pointed out to me, they too were very distressed yesterday, but had to leave Mum`s room with a smile and carry on as usual. It`s a tough job and only the genuine people who care can cope with this.
Thank you all.
I will continue on TP to also channel my experience onto other relatives struggling to come to terms with this dreadful condition.
Heather xx
Hi Heather, what a lovely post and so well put at what must be a difficult and emotional time for you. I know I will have to go through this with my mum at some stage (as she is in late stages) so by reading your post has helped me already in preparing myself for the future. I think the fact that you would like to volunteer to help others in similar position in the Nursing Home is lovely too and to support other relatives because I feel it is a must as so often I have come away from Mum's nursing home in tears as nobody to speak to about Mum. I agree too it must be so hard for the carers and it is a tough job (just feel sometimes they don't get the recognition they deserve). Take care xx


Registered User
Jan 29, 2013
South Wales
Deepest sympathies on your loss, I'm glad it was peaceful and you were by your mums side. You have a very generous heart, thinking of others already. I hope the funeral is able to be soon x


Registered User
Jun 14, 2010
Funeral date now set. Tuesday 31 March.
Today register the death. Apparently lots of deaths recently, hence a bit of a wait for the celebration service. Funeral parlour too today (wanted to get sorted asap, no good in lingering) So much to think about now to plan the funeral.Thursday we`re having a visit from the lady who will lead the service to sort out the order of service and tribute.
I have invited the carers to contribute as they have played a massive part in Mum`s final 3 years+ and support to me. Their loving dedicated care of her is commendable and therefore warrants recognition by being included.
I am not sad. I remain calm and focussed. All official papers signed etc etc. I think it because of the huge relief that its over. Anticipation is worse that the actual, and it hasn`t been as bad as I had envisaged. I am very thorough, good organiser, part of my work ethic albeit I`m now retired, I have a need to understand all process etc and why this form and that.
Tomorrow bit of a pamper day, hair do and relaxat home in the afternoon, Thursdays apmt re funeral and Friday the bank, then that`s it, other than tweaking the order of service/tribute.
From Sunday evening my life changed. Starting with something very simple. I left my mobile phone switched off and downstairs! It has been attached to me for a long time, even taking it into the bathroom, just in case. You know what I mean.
I have to be happy, as this is a postive event. Mum is free. She had 86 years, 8 of which was not good when I suspected the dementia started (she had cardio-vascular mixed dementia). Her happy loving demeaour continued to the end she enjoyed her back massages/hugs and cuddles. We had to rely on facial or noises she made as communication which was all that was left. I`m free of the responsibility of making decisions on her behalf, I willingly, and thanks to my very understanding husband, visited every day overseeing and working with the team of carers ensuring her care was as good as we could give her. I have no guilt, I have no regrets. I know that I couldn`t have coped with her at home, sometimes love is letting go and its a difficult decision to make to enter a home, but dementia is a specialist area and needs special care. Also our parents perhaps would not like their children to do all their personal care, intimate care - their dignity also has to be respected. I know Mum would be proud of me. A lot depends on your philosophy of life, so we now reflect positively on her life. We tend to forget the elderly were once children/teenagers, young vibrant people who had a life. Time now to reflect, recover and re-adjust.
I hope I can give you all something positive to consider and draw strength from.
Thank to all of you kind people who sent your moving messages to me. It is marvellous. I will certainly be keeping in touch.
Bye for now
Heather xx:)
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