Mum at End of Life but hard to believe

Julia-Marie

Registered User
Aug 11, 2016
12
0
Hello

My mum has vascular dementia and went into care after my dad passed away in April, so she is still in the settling down phase, although she hates it and has said that we've "done a terrible thing" and how selfish we all are (me and my two siblings).

She was rushed to hospital a few weeks ago with kidney failure and sepsis. We were told she had 12-24 hours to live, but she pulled through. A week later the hospital told us she again had hours to live, but again, she pulled through! The consultant couldn't believe it, and said that he would have expected her to be comatose given her readings, but she was just abusive, behaving inappropriately, pulling out her lines etc. The hospital finally gave her a palliative discharge back to the home, saying there was nothing more they could do and it was just a matter of weeks. She refuses to eat, sips water but nothing else. She has lost over 3 stone in a month. The dietician at the home says that there is nothing she can advise, and so the care home just encourage her to eat as we do when we visit. MacMillan are visiting on a daily basis, but haven't written up her final prescription as yet.

But I can't believe she is at end of life - she seems too alert, albeit abusive and hallucinating most of the time. She looks thin, but better than some of the other residents! I'm finding her dislike of me hard. She told me on Monday not to bother visiting her because I didn't belong to her any more. I was so upset, I didn't go in on Tuesday, but went in to see her yesterday. She wouldn't even acknowledge me and
refused to look at me or speak to me. I was there about an hour, but couldn't stand it any more. I've stayed away today.

Its been a hard year. I lost my job in March, my dad in April and now my mum. I don't feel I've even grieved for dad.

Has anyone experienced 'end of life' that seems so far from it? And how do you cope with
such rejection?

I am trying to focus on other things and have started to apply for jobs again, but part of me thinks I should spend time with mum, despite how bad she makes me feel.

Thanks for reading this.
 

jaymor

Registered User
Jul 14, 2006
15,604
0
South Staffordshire
My husband was put on end of life around two years ago and it went on for weeks. He slowly rallied and though far from back to where he was he remained quite stable until the end of last year. Then we had constant back and forth to hospital until the end of March when he returned to the nursing home for his last few days.

We returned home to collect clothes etc to enable us to stay with him round the clock. Our granddaughter who is a carer travelled in the ambulance with him. We sat with him but he was only back in the home for two and a half hours when he passed away peacefully. We expected days and even thought it might be longer because he had been such a fighter. There just is no knowing when it comes to end of life.
 

Julia-Marie

Registered User
Aug 11, 2016
12
0
Thank you - so sorry for your loss, nothing prepares you for it.

I think it is hard to predict how things will turn out, especially when mum's cognition is so advanced. I'm just hoping that we'll have a moment when we can be the mum/daughter we once were to hold on to.

J x
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,725
0
Hi my mum was only at end of life for less than a day. She didn't have anything to drink (just mouth care) or eat and hadn't eaten properly for the days she was in hospital. She didn't ask for anything and she was ready to go. It sounds to me as though your Mum is ready to go too - if she is refusing to eat then that is a really deliberate action in my view (I expect some will think it is the dementia) it takes huge willpower to refuse food at least at first. If your dad only died in April (presumably after a long marriage) she is still grieving (she may not be able to name it but she almost certainly knows something huge in her life is missing) and then she lost her home so she too has had huge losses and I expect that is why she is taking it out on you xxxxx Perhaps acknowledging with her that this has been such a difficult time for her and that you still love her very much will begin that healing process. This is a hard time for you and also for her, thinking of you both xx
 

Julia-Marie

Registered User
Aug 11, 2016
12
0
I had tried to talk to her about dad, but she refuses, although the girls at the home have said she has spoken about him. We have all her photos around her in her room.

Thank you for the supportive words. I just want her to be comfortable and for us to be able to remember mum as she was, a loving, caring person.

J x
 

Beetroot

Registered User
Aug 19, 2015
360
0
It's the disease and confusion and maybe grief for her husband talking to you, not your loving and much loved Mum. When all this passes, you will remember the good things. This is very hard for your, painful even. This year has been a horrible roller coaster for you. You need time and mind space to sort it all out in your head and you will. Best wishes.