Mum asking for her mum and dad

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Mitch60, Dec 10, 2019.

  1. Mitch60

    Mitch60 Registered User

    Jun 13, 2018
    34
    I was wondering what to say to my poor mum who had vascular dementia...(possibly Lewy bodies) mum keeps asking me for her mum and dad and her husband , my dad who died and had vascular dementia too ...this has been happening for a few nights now and I've told her they have passed away and it's like grieving every time over and over ...am I doing the right thing by telling her this ? Also mum is registered blind and SW and CPN are coming tomorrow to see about respite ...am I doing the right thing regarding respite ? The guilt is heavy on my mind . Any advice would be greatly received thanks .
     
  2. Cobber

    Cobber Registered User

    Sep 13, 2016
    30
    I was advised not to say this as it upsets her, I tell white lies, ie she has gone out, not sure where she's is, she will be back later, then change subject. It does not stop her asking but she is calmer, which is what it is all about, the calmer she is the calmer you are.
    Yes, yes, yes, have respite, it is a long hard road and YOU need to recharge your batteries. I was advised many years ago, whatever you do you will feel guilty, and it is so true, so do what YOU need to do to stay sane and have a LIFE, while you travel this horrible road.
     
  3. Mitch60

    Mitch60 Registered User

    Jun 13, 2018
    34
     
  4. Mitch60

    Mitch60 Registered User

    Jun 13, 2018
    34
    Thank you cobber ...I wasn't sure it was right ...either way it feels bad ....I will try for some respite tomorrow see what they say . I feel in a black hole ....we live together in a bungalow and own half each ...and mum is self funding with not much left due to day care fees and Carer's ...what more can I say
     
  5. annielou

    annielou Registered User

    Sep 27, 2019
    385
    My mum asks about her mum a lot. Sometimes she'll say is my mum dead or my mums dead isn't she. At those times I usually say yes she is, it was a long time ago and sometimes I tell her how long(45 years) She sort of knows already so I don't lie and knowing it was a long time ago seems to help.
    Other times she'll talk about her as if she's still here or thinks shes still living with her mum, or her mum has just died but mum still has her mums house. I usually try to explain briefly she hasnt lived there for years and house has gone now as gently as I can.
    On an evening though I try to avoid telling her shes dead more than in the day as she gets more upset.
    On an evening she often thinks her mum is staying with her so I usually just try saying shes not staying here mum, its just me and I mainly get away without saying shes dead.
    Often at bedtimes when she's in and out of bed checking things she calls me mum, I tend not to say anything as it will just set her off talking about where she is etc and its hard enough getting her to settle in bed I don't want to her to get upset about her mum too.
    If she wakes in night upset I usually don't say she's dead either if I can help it. If she's calling out for her I just go in and ask whats a matter, not saying who I am and if she asks for her mum I just say shes not here but I am and I try and comfort her and tell her I'll look after her tonight.
     
  6. Jale

    Jale Registered User

    Jul 9, 2018
    351
    Female
    Mum very often says that she has forgotten to get her Mum a birthday present, and that she thought her sisters would come and visit her. I always say I'll sort the present out and that her sisters have all been held up at work (they have both passed away). That so far has worked. Never thought I would be able to lie to my Mum but sadly it is becoming second nature now.
     
  7. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,204
    My father used to ask if I had seen "mum & dad" his parents. My answer was that I had not seen them for years.
    Which was perfectly true, both had been dead for at least 20 years!
    It always seemed to settle him, which meant the conversation changed easily.
    But the question could be asked several times, each visit....
    I felt, by keeping to the truth, but not all the details, answered his query without causing upset.
    This was shown to be the best method, when his younger died, the repeated questions, and resulting upset, made us thankful when his memory deteriorated, to the point he no longer could remember he had had a brother.

    Bod
     
  8. Mitch60

    Mitch60 Registered User

    Jun 13, 2018
    34
    Thank you ... yes I also had a call from the admiral nurse today and she said the same as yourself ...not easy is it and it's just upsetting all round which I'm trying to avoid .
     
  9. annielou

    annielou Registered User

    Sep 27, 2019
    385
    No not easy at all x I have no idea what to do/say most of the time and what works ok one time doesm't another. X
     
  10. Mitch60

    Mitch60 Registered User

    Jun 13, 2018
    34
    Yes I'm trying that distraction...it worked a bit tonight ...I managed to steer mum's thoughts to Christmas.....thank you for the replies . It seems to be a nightly thing now ...sadly
     
  11. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,192
    Toronto, Canada
    My mother kept wanting to go visit her parents. This when they had both been dead for over 40 years. I would quickly say "Yes, let's go the day after tomorrow because I have a dentist appointment tomorrow". I used this over and over. Sometimes she asked me how they were and I would say they were fine, the same as always. Once she asked me where they were and I gave her the name of the town the cemetery was in. I wasn't actually lying but I did tell lies when I had to.

    I feel that telling a PWD that their parent/ spouse/ sibling etc is dead over and over again is cruel and not necessary. I could never lie to my mother but when it came to the fact of keeping her as calm and contented as I could, I rapidly learned to lie.
     
  12. Mitch60

    Mitch60 Registered User

    Jun 13, 2018
    34
    .... yes I agree ...and I've managed to get round it and now mum hasn't asked for a few days ...thank you for all your help .
     
  13. Mitch60

    Mitch60 Registered User

    Jun 13, 2018
    34
    I feel your pain too ...having to tell these fibs to keep things on an even keel...but it works and I try Noe to think to hard . Thank you for your reply .
     

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