Mum appears so terrified and constantly asks me to take her out of the care home

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Oscarsmum, Sep 28, 2015.

  1. Oscarsmum

    Oscarsmum Registered User

    Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's two years ago and we have kept her independently living at home with the help of day centres and care at home a couple times of week , Five weeks ago Mum passed out and was admitted into hospital, various tests were done but nothing physical was found however Mum seemed to deteriorate overnight and became so confused not even recognising where she was . This continued over three days and eventually we got social services involved as realised she wouldn't be able to go home as she lives alone . So we found a care home that offered respite so we knew she would be safe and looked after until she felt better . Unfortunately Mum has deteriorated even further and now cries all the time and when we visit keeps asking for us to take her out of the care home as she is terrified . She talks about people trying to kill her and that no one is safe in there . This is so distressing and can only say that the care home is lovely and we have had help from social services and our local memory team but I feel so sad and torn between trying to keep Mum safe but desperately hating to see Mum so upset . Mum was given Lorazapam in hospital which has now been stopped and she is now taking Trazadone . She also takes Citalopram and Mamantine (she has taken these for around 18 months )They say it will take time for the Trazadone to work . I am thinking of taking her home can anyone help ?
  2. Patricia Alice

    Patricia Alice Registered User

    Mar 2, 2015
    Hi Oscarsmum,

    My mum is very similar in many ways. She has been moved to nursing dementia from residential dementia because she was saying she was being poisoned, in prison, they were trying to kill her etc etc.

    The home she has moved to is a much higher category for dementia but they handle her much better. She still says she is frightened all the time (this is, I believe, quite a common characteristic of dementia.) My mum still cries to come home every time we see her and we, like you, have been torn, but mum's CPN said last week that as soon as we have left the building she will have forgotten we have been, so it is us with the problem.

    My mum is now on no medication whatsoever as she refuses all medication and she was on Lorazepam, Sertraline and Rispiridone and I have to say she is the same off it as she was on it, so for now we are monitoring her. We had her taken off Trazadone because it was as if she had Duracel batteries in her and was doing everything so manic, but it may suit your mum, so you need to give it chance.

    We are happy with the care mum gets, they are very loving towards her, and as much as we want her to be with us, we know in our hearts that this would not be possible in the long term.

    I hope my story helps you in some way.
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    My husband was put on Trazadone because of epic wandering. It has been very helpful for him with no obvious side effects - he sleeps and eats well. He still has occasional manic moments when he announces he is going out - cannot allow that as he immediately gets lost. Otherwise no issues.

    I'd be inclined to give it a chance in the care home before you make any more changes.
  4. Oscarsmum

    Oscarsmum Registered User

    Hi Patricia Alice
    Thanks for your support , I think what makes things worse is that Mum is lucid most of the time and still knows all of us but then in her more delusional state she appears so terrified and says some really dark things , we just cannot work out if the care home environment is making things worse , we have looked at EMI nursing but the places locally were horrendous , perhaps we need to look further afield, may I ask does your Mum still know all of you when you visit? Another problem we have is that a couple of the residents continually go into Mums room and take her things which in the great scheme of things isn't important ( I know this is quite common with dementia ) but her handbag is now missing and has not turned up as yet along with photo's etc, do you have the same issues ?Perhaps this is more upsetting for us then Mum .I have tried to put her name on everything but still things go missing . Thanks once again .
  5. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    Have you asked the staff how she is when you're not there? Sometimes these episodes only happen when relatives are visiting.

    My mother went through a phase of telling me 'they kill people here!' and thinking 'they' were following us everywhere when I took her out. Every car, every cyclist, even every dog walker and horse rider in the park, was one of 'them'. This stage did pass eventually but it was very difficult and upsetting at the time. I wondered whether it might have been sparked off by seeing some resident who had died, or perhaps seeing undertakers taking someone away. She was a constant wanderer at the time, pacing round and round, often including half the night, so it's entirely possible.
  6. Patricia Alice

    Patricia Alice Registered User

    Mar 2, 2015
    Hi again and yes my mum is quite lucid a lot of the time, she can still hold a conversation to some extent and she can name all her family and remember birthdays, but then like you say, it can switch to a different mother, one who is frightened of her own shadow.

    I agree, you need to check out a lot of homes, but there will be one I am sure. The nursing home we have gone for is, we think, to high a category for mum but in the scheme of things we did not have much time to find anywhere because she was being kicked out of the dementia residential home as they could not handle her fluctuating mood swings or that she refused her medications. This nursing home is not as plush as the previous place but the care seems excellent and they do love my mum, always hugging and kissing her and they are not ringing us every 5 mins to go up to sort her out.

    I know exactly how you are feeling, but my sister and I have been letting our hearts rule our heads and we know she is well cared for here.

    As to things going missing, yes this does happen, my mum always seems to have 5 pairs of specs in her handbag, where from we don't know, and only one pair is hers. We have also seen other residents wearing mum's clothes, but we just casually point it out to staff.

    It's a decision you cannot make lightly.

    Best wishes x

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