1. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Mum is in a care home now, £460 a week. Not easy to organise, but we have an IFA and a plan of our own to compare and reckon 12 years is manageable if not more. Mum doesn't see why she needs to be there. She isn't ill, so why is she there? Why can't she go home? True, she is not wandering at night any more, but does that get cured? Can anyone tell me?

    Now she is neurotic about money. She always had her pension paid into an account and drew the whole lot out every week and stashed it away to pay her bills in cash. She lately had no idea how to pay her household insurance which needed a cheque. I had to organise that for her. She had no idea how to do it, no idea that she had a current account (with cheque book) or could transfer money from one of her savings accounts to do so.

    After she was diagnosed with AZ I found she had paid some bills twice, and some not at all.

    I have POA now registered.

    But she is insisting that I must "draw out" her pension every week and give it to her in the home. Her only expenditure is the hairdresser once a fortnight, £5, I have given her £25, but she is panicking that might not be enough, she wants her "pension" and wants it now!

    Of course her pension is going towards her care home fees, I have earmarked £10 a week for her as personal spending, but she isn't happy about it. She seems to think she needs the whole of her pension every week (£130) and I can't convince her otherwise.

    Anybody any advice please?

    Margaret
     
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,419
    It's a tough one Margaret, particularly if she still "recognises" money. Apart from anything else, I wouldn't think the care home would be delighted to think that one of their residents was wandering around with that much cash. It's putting too much temptation in peoples way, quite apart from the fact that if it's possible to lose something as personal as, for example, false teeth it would be way too easy for her to lose this money.

    So no real advice on how to manage the situation, because there isn't a way to compromise on this: the money needs to be used to pay her bills so she can't have it. Hopefully someone will be along with actual practical suggestions, because all I have for you is sympathy.

    Best wishes
     
  3. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hi Margaret,
    Obviously the routine with the pension has stuck firmly in your mum's mind. I know with mum anything that was routine... like your mum with her money is near impossible to change and I would have to just weather it until it was forgotten altogether, BUT, your in a bind with this one, as Jennifer said: particularly if your mum recognises the money. I heard of a case where this chap refused to eat in the home without paying. He insisted on paying for everything, washing cleaning etc... his wife was told by the staff to give him imitation money, so he just pulls his wallet out, pays for his meals etc and the staff slip the money back into his wallet when he isn't watching and this keeps him very contented knowing he is paying his way. I hope someone will be able to suggest something helpful. Regards Taffy.
     
  4. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    3,518
    Can you not say that the care home rules say that residents must not have large amounts of cash on the premises, in order to prevent burglaries and pilfering by visitors etc?

    If not, would it be possible to give mum some cash (something more substantial than her £25) and then ask the care home to "put it in the safe" for "safekeeping"?

    My guess is that once she has been satisfied with seeing some cash, and that she can get to it when she likes, she may be satisfied.

    It might even be possible to give mum the money each week, have the care home "put it in the safe" and then take out the same money the next week, give it to you to give to mum...and so on.

    There need never be an actual stack of cash..just enough to keep mum satisfied.

    Again I am guessing, but mum may be anxious that she has no money and regards this as an aspect of being "in a home" and not free to "do what she wants".

    Having some cash probably gives the feeling of independence.

    Failing this, some fake money may offer another solution as Taffy has suggested.

    Just give her some pretend notes, and warn the care staff that mum may attempt to pay for things with it.
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,732
    Kent
    Dear Margaret

    I`m afraid control over their own money is one of the last traces of independence and security that so many of those with dementia cling to.

    When we visited my grandmother, she would tell us she was being treated like a child, point a finger at me and shout, `You`ve got my cigarettes,` and point to my mother and shout,`and you`ve got my money.`

    My mother lay on the pavement at 8 a.m., kicking and screaming until the post office opened up for her to give her her pension, before she went to day care.

    My husband cleared our joint bank account and opened his own deposit account with all our money.

    So I`m afraid you have to be a bit devious. I don`t know what stage your mother`s at, so hesitate to make suggestions, but all I can say is prevaricate as much as possible.

    Sorry it`s not much help.

    Love xx
     
  6. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    This was one of my Mum's fears. We left her with a few pounds in her purse but she always worried about it until fairly recently.

    Luckily she had always trusted me with knowing about her finances so I was generally able to console her but it always resurfaced if she was feeling anxious.

    Mum's home run a type of internal banking system where we top up a home account and they deduct from it when she incurs expenditure at the haridressers or has papers/toiletries etc.

    I likened it to her as "being like the Queen" now with no need to carry money and her every need catered for!

    It is a hard one and I think that some of the solutions you have been gven are great!

    Mameeskye
     
  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    My mother surprised me the other day when she wanted a packet of crisp and we had run out , she went into kitchen looking for the crisp . my daughter told me Nanny in kitchen counting money , so as I went to look what Mum was up to she hand my daughter money , '' saying hear 85p can you get me a packet of crisp . So I ask my daughter to count it , yes it was 85p , Mum may not know what the value of crisps are , but she can still count money and mum is in late stages of AZ .

    Money is hard stage for them to come to teams with that they can not control it any more I had all those issue with mum , making me feel so guilty that I am taking her money, as she would not see the logic why I had to look after it .

    In emergency respite for few mouths it was worse, they did not want mum walking around with money , but she still wanted money would give her 10 pounds , then found out she was giving it to someone .

    I told her that they have it in the office and I would get into trouble if I keep giving it to her . then she say its her money she wants it , then I would say that people could nick it , all her needs are seen to that you don't need money they have it in the office. it was like going around a circle telling her all that every time , but I gave her that dignity of telling her the truth even if it got on my nerves having to keep repeating it every time I visiting . So ended up giving her lose coins in case she needed to phone me .
     
  8. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    Hi Margaret

    there are lots of things you can do and all the good suggestions from other members should be tried.
    What about giving your Mum an old cheque book, tell her thats how people pay for things nowadays as it's easier for everyone.

    When my Mum starts to talk about money I tell her not to worry as everything is being sorted. I then leave the room for a few minutes, when I come back, I start a new conversation or go in singing. This will usually distract her, if not I just repeat the whole thing, twice is the most I have had to do.

    When Mum first came to live with us I used ro spend ages telling her all about her finances stc and she would sometimes get annoyed with me. Now it's no big deal, I don't need to explain and Mum doesn't get upset.

    Hope you are well
    Take care
    Janetruth z
     
  9. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Margaret

    I`m afraid control over their own money is one of the last traces of independence and security that so many of those with dementia cling to.

    Sylvia is so right. When we moved mum into the NH, we found literally thousands stashed all over her home. As with your mum, she would draw out her pension every week, and had been doing it for years. She had a 'thing' about having hundreds in her purse, it was a constant worry.

    However in the latter months she couldnt go out alone, so that problem went away.

    She still wants hundreds in her purse, and like your mum, only needs a few pounds for the hairdresser every week. However, she has been stashing money all over her room, ( and forgetting where she has put it) the upshot being no money in her purse for the hairdresser, so I arranged for the care home manager to pay this directly to the hairdresser, and I keep it topped up.

    When she asks me about going to get money (I found the cash she had hidden), I just tell her she told me where it as, and I remind her she has loads of money, and as the 'residential hotel' (we dont use the NH words), is all 'free' cos she is over 80, she doesnt need much money. This explanation she is fine with, I tell her she has thousands in the bank earning her lots of interest. Of course we have the same conversation over and over again, but it keeps her happy.

    I think you just have to come up with a 'story' that your mum will be fine with.

    Love

    Cate
     
  10. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,990
    Toronto, Canada
    "I have no money". These are the words my mother would use with me. I would tell her the room was all paid for till the end of the month, that all the meals were included. I also made sure she had a little cash on her. Never a lot - a couple of bills and some coins. She would take her little change purse out & show me. Or when she said she had no money, I would have her take out the change purse & look inside. She always looked so surprised and happy to see the money.

    Can you say to your mother "Yes, I'll bring the pension money tomorrow." "Yes, I took it out but I deposited most of it in the bank - here's £xxx." Mostly, grit your teeth. She will stop obsessing about it in time.
     
  11. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    [QUOTE=Canadian Joanne] Mostly, grit your teeth. She will stop obsessing about it in time.[/QUOTE]

    Margaret, there is a lot of sense in this comment of Joanne's. My Mum obsesses about things for awhile, then seems to forget and go onto another obsession. I only hope for your sake that a less difficult obsession appears soon!
     
  12. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    I'm just not very imaginative! I don't know how to be devious, I used to think that was a good trait, but not I'm not so sure! Yep, I'll have to learn to pretend, and tell mum lies, it just goes against everything I live like, I just haven't got to grips with AZ.

    Thanks all, you are so helpful.

    MArgaret
     
  13. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia


    Sadly, I have to say it gets easier! This is something I struggled with a great deal in the early stages because, as I'm sure is the same with you, my Mum was a stickler for the truth (the whole truth and nothing but the truth). Telling her fibs just went against the grain in every way.

    I try to rationalise by only using fibs when nothing else will do to keep her happy. If it is only inconvenient for me (and doesn't hurt her in any way) I tell her the truth. But if she gets anxious or starts obsessing, I resort to fibbing again.

    What a truly dreadful illness this is.
     
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,732
    Kent
    Truth and lies.............

    Being untruthful goes against the grain for most of us. That is not how we were brought up to be.
    But my rule of thumb is whether being `ecconomical with the truth` is for my benefit or my husband`s benefit.
    In the main, it`s to make life easier for him. Occasionally it makes life easier for me.
     
  15. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Being untruthful goes against the grain for most of us. That is not how we were brought up to be.

    Oh Sylvia how right you are. I was brought up very strict RC, and every little fib and ‘sin’ confessed every week before Mass.

    When mum started with the AD, I was very truthful with mum, and diligently corrected her when she got things wrong, etc., etc.,

    Then I saw the hurt and confusion in my beautiful mums eyes.

    So I say what I have to say to make things easier for mum. Yep I’m sure I will have to answer for my actions at the Pearly Gates, but I will be doing so in the knowledge that I made my mums life easier during the worst time in her life.
     
  16. panda

    panda Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    88
    Surrey
    I am RC as well but have managed to get past the sin of lying to a parent (well almost, god forgive me) I say to mum don't you remember you told me to do all of your bills by direct debit, another one is "we are not allowed to smoke anywhere now Mum and no one uses cheques any more because they go missing in the post". Mum likes that one because she can remember postal strikes, I have also given her an old bank card that she thinks she can use for whatever she wants whenever she wants. I make sure she has got at least £20 in her purse as she is still able to go up the high street with a care worker,and £10 in coins to phone me (even though the nightly calls about me stealing her money drive me mad).At the moment this seem's to work I repeat it all on a weekly basis but it keeps her happy. I also ask her what she wants me to do about things as I can get to the high street more than her and she seems to like the fact that she is still involved in decisions. I hope some of this helps you
    Panda
     
  17. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Thanks all, I'm RC too, will just have to learn how to be a devious, but it does come as a shock when she tells me she is going to start looking for lodgings and will need a month's deposit! Where did that come from?

    Regards

    Margaret
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,732
    Kent
    Goodness knows where it comes from Margaret. My husband often tells me he`s trying to find a bed- sit and he lives at home.

    It can only come from Alzheimers. :(
     
  19. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    When ever mum talks about going home, which sometimes she wants to do, thank goodness, these days this doesnt come up often, then she remembers, the house was bombed (January 1941). Then bless she changes direction, going to 'sell this place' and buy a nice cosy flat. Then I remind her she promised to leave it to me, but as you have to be retired, and over 65, she better hang onto it. Sometimes this does then go onto another problem, she is going to evict Florrie, 'shes a miserable moo':eek:
     
  20. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,990
    Toronto, Canada
    Lying to my mother was not only hard because I'm truthful by nature (by default, as I am absolutely the world's worst liar & when I try to lie, my face gives me away) but also because she my mother had that uncanny maternal ability to detect my (few) lies even when others were taken in. She lived 3,000 miles away & could even tell when I was lying in our phone conversations :eek:. The best I can do is lie by omission but she knew when I was doing that also.

    Thus, I had the tendency to think of my mother as all-knowing, as she certainly was with me.
     

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