Mum and I have lived together all my life. She had a couple of medical problems in her younger years, has always been an anxious person and went through a period of having panic attacks in her sixties which recurred every now and through her seventies and eighties. As she has aged I naturally started doing more for her, just little things at first like getting her prescription and helping her with her eyedrops.
We were always good friends as well as mum and daughter, but a combination of health issues and lockdown has brought about a pretty rapid decline in her physically and mentally in the last 18 months and even more so since June. Sometimes I don't even know how to talk to her for fear of saying the wrong thing.
She's been hospitalised three times since May last year with hyponatremia (low sodium levels) and her last discharge summary noted memory problems. The hospital social worker referred to her as having dementia though she has not been diagnosed. We are currently waiting for an assessment with the memory clinic.
Mentally she is up and down, this week she has asked a few times why she can't just die. She's often confused and refers to the other people in the house (it's only the two of us here - and the cat!). Sometimes she talks to me about "Claire " and she seems to think there are two of us both called Claire who look after her. (I wish there was!)
I work full time still, currently at home in the morning and the office in the afternoon. I got Mum a place in a day centre for the first time last week and hoping to make it regular twice a week thing with another care agency providing a sitting service for a couple of hours another day.
We've always been a slightly fractured family. My siblings were born within four years of eachother and I came along seven years later. Though my relationship with my brother and eldest sister was always OK, my middle sister and I just wind eachother up. However I feel all three of them have given minimal support and the first time I asked for help a few months ago so I could go to the office and not leave Mum alone after being in hospital my sisters said no, one because because she was on a review at work, the other because she was having her floorboards sanded. My brother had his own health issues at time but since has been able to resume going out with his friends to the pub and seaside but not yet up to coming to see Mum. Most of the communication is via a WhatsApp group. If they ask how I am all they really want to hear is "I'm fine" on the couple of occasions I've been honest about how I'm feeling its been met with a wall of silence. They used the reason a text back didn't seem adequate but they didn't call or offer assistance either. Now if they phone and I'm here I just hand the phone straight to Mum. My middle sister has sat with Mum on a couple of afternoons in the last two months but only because I have asked so I could meet a friend who is going through a similar thing with her dad. We are so grateful for eachother as we know exactly what the other is going through.
I'm not saying it's all them. I'm aware I'm not the easiest person to help as I'm so used to being independent. I think I'm more shocked/sad that they haven't wanted to do more for Mum when she was always there for them. They say they "wish" they could help more. But don't.
Life just feels like one long slog with the inevitable slide in Mum always looming. Monday to Friday juggling work with caring. The weekend is the supermarket then housework. Whenever I'm away from her it's in the back of my mind she might fall and hurt herself. I feel I am in a constant cycle of grief. I get angry, resentful then overwhelmingly sad and cry far too easily, then I'll feel fairly serene before it all starts again.
It's not as if my situation is even that bad. When I read what other people are going through it's far worse than what I have to bear. That does help me pull myself up I must admit.
Thanks for listening/reading.
Claire
We were always good friends as well as mum and daughter, but a combination of health issues and lockdown has brought about a pretty rapid decline in her physically and mentally in the last 18 months and even more so since June. Sometimes I don't even know how to talk to her for fear of saying the wrong thing.
She's been hospitalised three times since May last year with hyponatremia (low sodium levels) and her last discharge summary noted memory problems. The hospital social worker referred to her as having dementia though she has not been diagnosed. We are currently waiting for an assessment with the memory clinic.
Mentally she is up and down, this week she has asked a few times why she can't just die. She's often confused and refers to the other people in the house (it's only the two of us here - and the cat!). Sometimes she talks to me about "Claire " and she seems to think there are two of us both called Claire who look after her. (I wish there was!)
I work full time still, currently at home in the morning and the office in the afternoon. I got Mum a place in a day centre for the first time last week and hoping to make it regular twice a week thing with another care agency providing a sitting service for a couple of hours another day.
We've always been a slightly fractured family. My siblings were born within four years of eachother and I came along seven years later. Though my relationship with my brother and eldest sister was always OK, my middle sister and I just wind eachother up. However I feel all three of them have given minimal support and the first time I asked for help a few months ago so I could go to the office and not leave Mum alone after being in hospital my sisters said no, one because because she was on a review at work, the other because she was having her floorboards sanded. My brother had his own health issues at time but since has been able to resume going out with his friends to the pub and seaside but not yet up to coming to see Mum. Most of the communication is via a WhatsApp group. If they ask how I am all they really want to hear is "I'm fine" on the couple of occasions I've been honest about how I'm feeling its been met with a wall of silence. They used the reason a text back didn't seem adequate but they didn't call or offer assistance either. Now if they phone and I'm here I just hand the phone straight to Mum. My middle sister has sat with Mum on a couple of afternoons in the last two months but only because I have asked so I could meet a friend who is going through a similar thing with her dad. We are so grateful for eachother as we know exactly what the other is going through.
I'm not saying it's all them. I'm aware I'm not the easiest person to help as I'm so used to being independent. I think I'm more shocked/sad that they haven't wanted to do more for Mum when she was always there for them. They say they "wish" they could help more. But don't.
Life just feels like one long slog with the inevitable slide in Mum always looming. Monday to Friday juggling work with caring. The weekend is the supermarket then housework. Whenever I'm away from her it's in the back of my mind she might fall and hurt herself. I feel I am in a constant cycle of grief. I get angry, resentful then overwhelmingly sad and cry far too easily, then I'll feel fairly serene before it all starts again.
It's not as if my situation is even that bad. When I read what other people are going through it's far worse than what I have to bear. That does help me pull myself up I must admit.
Thanks for listening/reading.
Claire