1. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Well, I have made no bones about the fact that I have previously had little respect for my mum and the little effort she put in to bringing me up and often resented her attitude to me as an adult, but it all changed today, cos she said to me "You have been a great daughter, I couldn't wish for any better". Phew! My head wouldn't fit through the car door. Isn't that nice? Just a case, for me, of doing my duty. That's how I saw it, but now I'm thinking differently. Not just my duty any more but doing it for my mum who thinks I am okay after all!

    So all you carers out there who are doing it out of duty (and I have to admit I think I am in a minority cos most of you seem to love your mums and dads or partners to bits, and I don't) well, just carry on doing it, cos my mum saying this to me has made it all so much worth while. Maybe I do love her after all. And maybe she loves me. What a great feeling.

    Thanks for listening. Most of you won't know what I mean, and I have been so envious of those of you who love your parents, and here was I couldn't fit into that, but my mum thinks I am great! At last, I am good at something. A glass of wine is coming on!

    Margaret
     
  2. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Margaret,
    What a wonderful thing to hear from your Mother. It is so sad that it takes something like this to let you know what you do mean to her.
    Saying you have done something right. You have from the very beginning of being there for your Mum.
    After your wine, you will go to bed with the knowledge that your Mother cares about you.
    Best wishes
    Christine
     
  3. Westie

    Westie Registered User

    Margaret, how lovely for you. It's fantastic that your Mum was able to let you know how she feels. Hang on to that and don't let go!

    M-A
    x
     
  4. Doreen99

    Doreen99 Registered User

    Jan 12, 2008
    66
    Sheffield
    Dear Margaret

    how lovely for you that your mum has finally managed to say how she feels about you. It's sad how some parents never seem to acquire the knack of communicating with their children about their feelings.

    I think it's a generation thing, my ma-in-law, who's 97, has never told me directly that she appreciates anything I've done for her. But on a couple of occasions, when she's been talking to the doctor or the nurse, she's told them how wonderful I am!
     
  5. SusanB

    SusanB Registered User

    Jan 15, 2008
    155
    Hove
    Hello, Margaret

    Just read your post and your situation is very very like mine! I too MOSTLY do things out of duty for Mum but every now and again she makes it clear how much she appreciates me and as you can imagine, that sort of makes it all worth while.

    However - yesterday...she had asked me to get some tea towels and a small fying pan (my Uncle is visiting and I think she wanted some new things). Muggins here goes to get them, takes them over there and presents them to her. Reaction: "I don't need any of those, the things I've got are fine...I've had them for twenty years!". This followed a trip to the post office to get her pension. Guess what, she'd been and got her b****y pension on Thursday and had forgotten about it. At this point, I'm starting to lose some patience as I work full time and went over there TO HELP HER.

    A few days before my Uncle arrived, it was panic panic panic panic, what shall I feed him? So, muggins (again) suggests various solutions: we'll get a take away on Saturday night, shall we? I'll do a stir fry on Tuesday, shall I? How about going out for lunch on Sunday? yes please, she says, that sounds great. Yesterday: I think people call it "passive aggressive": she cooked a small of lamb for dinner then deciding to keep it in the fridge because it "needed cooking" (having bought it two days ago). Clearly aimed at me because she can manage without me.

    Honestly, she's hard to love so Margaret, don't feel guilty about feeling the way you do. Isn't it strange though, it only takes a few words to make us daughters and sons feel better about the situation. Note to self: tell someone I appreciate something that they've done for me.
     
  6. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,110
    Toronto, Canada
    #6 Canadian Joanne, Jan 27, 2008
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2008
    Margaret,
    My mother and I were incredibly close when she was well. Throught the progress of her illness, I have gone through many different emotions regarding how I feel about her. Last May I wrote a post about emotional detachment, as that's what I felt at the time.

    I have felt anger, pity, irritation, exasperation, sorrow and love. I have trudged in to see her strictly out of duty, wishing to be a million miles away.

    I'm so glad for you that your mother said you are a wonderful daughter. It's a gift when we have days like these.
     
  7. snooky

    snooky Registered User

    May 12, 2007
    104
    devon
    Dear Margaret,
    That is lovely. It must have felt so great. I think we all need to hear it at sometime, don't we and its wonderful to hear, especially when we don't usually hear those words. My mum doesnt show her emotions (keeps them all in) and I heard some wonderful words from her this week, which I have never heard before, so I know how great it is. It gives you a boost, doesnt it, just when I think we need it. Everyone shows things differently dont they. But it means the world to know that doesnt it.
    Love
    Snooky x
     
  8. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear Margaret,
    There is a sense in which we are always a child, in terms of our relationships with our Mothers. Despite your having coped with her so admirably for so long without her (stated) love, there is still a "little girl" inside each of us who needs and wants her mother's love. I'm so glad your Mum has finally been able to say it to you. Grasp it tight like a precious jewel.
    My heart sings for you!
     
  9. gill@anchorage5

    gill@anchorage5 Registered User

    Apr 29, 2007
    211
    Southampton
    Hi Margaret

    Good to read about your "highlight" - hope you are on your 4th glass of wine by now - you deserve it!

    Gill x
     
  10. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Thanks everyone, I do feel so much better. Actually this isn't the first time my mum has said something good about me, but it is the first time she has said it to me. When she was in hospital in the Assessment Unit, one of the OTs came to me and said "Your mum is so proud of you", and I said "You are joking, my mum thinks nothing good of me at all", and she said "Oh, no, she has been telling us all how you are an accountant and a lecturer and she is really proud of you". Well, all I remember of that is mum saying, when I was about 23 and studying for my accountancy exams "Oh, you are going to be one of those career women are you? Not interested in having children and being normal". Well that is what she said. Then when I was 25 and qualified, my husband and I had difficulty in conceiving a child, and mum was constantly chastising us for not producing a child, it was very hurtful at the time, I never told her we had investigations and treatment for infertility.

    Anyway, that is in the past. Mum thinks I am great now! So the past is forgotten and forgiven. On to the future!

    Thanks all, I just wanted to share it with you.

    Oh, today's visit was met with "Where have you been, I haven't seen you for a month!".

    Margaret
     
  11. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Candadian Joanne

    Yours is the one post that is different to the rest. How sad to have had such a close relationship with your mum and have lost it - but you must know it is the illness that has caused it. Hope you can remember the good times and the closeness that you had, and not feel too much sadness.

    Love

    Margaret
     

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