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Mum alone and scared in hospital and new care home

Sophie20

New member
Jul 5, 2020
4
Hello, my Mum has been experiencing rapid onset dementia since Mid may due to having mini strokes. It has been a very steep learning curve for all of us (me, my Dad and brother) and my way of coping is to research research research as I find comfort in knowledge. It was such a relief to find this forum, read others experiences and realise we were not alone in our situation - probably should’ve put that in the Welcome thread!

Mum has been in and out of hospital and been becoming more and more confused and debilitated. She was discharged on Saturday to a care home, so after not seeing Mum for 10 days we were all excited (and apprehensive ) to get to see her when we took her things up for her. She waved madly when she saw us then just cried and cried, we tried to comfort her, told her it was a safe place for her to convalesce and regain strength, obviously we couldn’t hug her or hold her hand - but she just couldn’t understand. We were all shook up by experience, felt so guilty for leaving her there but she can’t be looked after properly at home at the moment. Didn’t sleep much that night and was awake when the staff at the home called at 6am to say Mum had had 2 falls overnight. She was sent back to hospital, crying that she didn’t want to go, shes had so many tests, she’s so fed up.
They have kept her in again for further tests (she’d bumped her head and had hip pain) and all I can see in my mind is that tiny little, scared almost unrecognisable lady - my Mum - sat in a hospital bed, not knowing why. We all just feel helpless at the moment. I think that she may’ve had another tia, hopefully we’ll get more information today. There is also questions over the suitability of the care home for Mums needs (she had a DoLs order on her for enhanced observations while in hospital) so depending on findings will probably need reassessing before discharge.

Sorry for the ramble but I feel better for it! Not sure what I’m asking? Maybe just, how do you cope with these situations in the current COVID-19 world? Life seems to be very cruel to my Mum at the moment 😥
 

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
298
Just read this and it makes me want to cry with you. Sending a big hug instead. You are not alone with this, and there's nothing you can do, but get some self care in as it sounds as if it's going to be a while before she is settled. The experts will resolve the situation, but so hard being unable to help her, I know that feeling too.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,420
South coast
Your poor mum @Sophie20 . So many changes and moves - I am not surprised that she is confused and fearful.
I hope that she can be moved to a care home that can meet her needs and will allow her to settle quietly into a new routine. It will take her a while to adjust, but once she has learned to trust her new carers and learned her way around, it will get easier for her
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,789
Kent
It`s really tough for you @Sophie20

You know why your mum has to be in hospital but she doesn`t.

It`s hard enough when you can visit but this isolation makes life more upsetting than ever.

You are doing as much as you can and pushing for reassessment is something constructive you can do to help your mum, even if she doesn`t realise it.

Welcome to the forum. I hope you will feel helped and supported.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,703
Welcome to the forum @Sophie20 . Though it's hard on your mum and on you being in hospital is the best place for her. It does sound the home she moved to perhaps wasn't best geared up for her needs, so when the hospital have sorted her out hopefully she'll move to somewhere that suits her better.
The whole situation is tough, made much much worse by corona virus restrictions, but it sounds like you are doing the best you can. None of this is your fault, just the awfulness that is dementia.
In the mean time you'll get lots of advice, help and support on here.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,132
Scotland
This is a very hard time for all of you. Anxiety over this virus has been a huge reminder that physical health is not everything when our mental health takes such a dip.

Some people have mentioned in the past sending a picture postcard every few days so the person in care has something to hold on to. Could you try that? No easy solutions.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
705
I agree about postcards. When Mummy went into hospital after an illness, a very kind physio wrote out a note for her (she could still read simple text) saying my father and I knew where she was and that she was in hospital until she got better. I think it did help.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
580
Hello @Sophie20 . I'm sorry to hear about your mum. It's all so difficult at the moment. Hopefully the hospital stay will be a short one and your mum will soon be somewhere where she can be more settled. If it's any consolation, it's very unlikely that she will remember this part. Keep us posted on how things are going. Thinking of you and hoping for good news soon.
 

pinkslippers2106

Registered User
Jul 14, 2020
15
Hi This is such a difficult time for you and her. Can you get a photo sent into her of all of you together and maybe write something on the back saying we love you and we will see you soon. Take care
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
867
Hi @Sophie20, I'm so sorry to hear what you are all going through, and I totally understand how you are feeling. It is difficult enough to deal with when you are able to visit, the restrictions make the situation much worse for you - I'm assuming though you can visit Mum in Hospital (most are allowing some limited visiting). All you can do is focus on the right care home for your Mum that can meet her needs - she may well settle in the right environment in time. Hopefully visiting restrictions will be relaxed in a few weeks and you will be able to see Mum more. I'm assuming that Mum has difficulty communicating on the phone or skype as that could be another option to stay in touch when you find the right care environment for her.

I hope that things improve for you all soon. Keep posting and let us know how it's going. All the best.
 

pinkslippers2106

Registered User
Jul 14, 2020
15
Hi @Sophie20, I'm so sorry to hear what you are all going through, and I totally understand how you are feeling. It is difficult enough to deal with when you are able to visit, the restrictions make the situation much worse for you - I'm assuming though you can visit Mum in Hospital (most are allowing some limited visiting). All you can do is focus on the right care home for your Mum that can meet her needs - she may well settle in the right environment in time. Hopefully visiting restrictions will be relaxed in a few weeks and you will be able to see Mum more. I'm assuming that Mum has difficulty communicating on the phone or skype as that could be another option to stay in touch when you find the right care environment for her.

I hope that things improve for you all soon. Keep posting and let us know how it's going. All the best.
 

Sophie20

New member
Jul 5, 2020
4
Thank you all so much for your replies and support - it is very much appreciated! Mum is still in hospital and now on yet another ward, 5th one in two weeks with 1 night in a care home - think I’d be confused 😐 it’s been hard to keep track of her and her progress etc, I have been sending in little cards with notes on from us all but don’t know if she’s got them, there is still no visiting allowed. When she has been in a bed with a phone we have been able to call if a nurse can answer and pass the phone to her, and we’ve all had quite lucid conversations with her. I have sent photos to the care home for her room and a couple of personal items. I had to go shopping for her today as apparently she had a hospital gown on and no slippers 🤷‍♀️ Lots of clothes and bags etc have gone missing with all the ward moves and her only pj’s etc are at the care home 🙄
Anyway the update tonight is that there is nothing new on head scans following her bump but she has fractured her pelvis, so good call by the on call GP that wanted her checked out! It’s a stable fracture and all other obs are fine for an 85 year old so now medically fit for discharge AGAIN. Discharge team have to reassess tomorrow for care home suitability. Apparently she is now very high risk for falls so hopefully she will get to the right place 🤞🏻
Sincere thanks again for your replies, they really helped settle me for the day - was feeling like I was teetering on the edge of losing it!! Hopefully I will have a positive update about Mums ongoing care soon.

Only 7 weeks into this dementia journey - what a rollercoaster it is....................
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
867
Only 7 weeks into this dementia journey - what a rollercoaster it is.
Oh @Sophie20, it is so damn tough, and unfair on everyone. Feeling on the edge of losing it is not uncommon! There is so much to manage, and nothing is straight forward and you feel as though you are always swimming against the tide finding your way through the complexities of the systems and processes. At least you have found this forum and the good people on here have walked in your shoes and have plenty of valuable practical experience.

I'm afraid that when Mum was in hospital things were always going missing - it just seems to be the case, I just kept things to a minimum and brought replacements.

Take care of yourself too.