mum accuses people of stealing her

[Annoula]

hello all,

it's been a long time since i last wrote in here.

my mum and i are having our best time since 2 years now, as we have moved on an island (yes it's a greek island) and i have a part time job which has helped me tremendously as i am going out of the house and meet people.

but of course her mild dementia is also doing great and still drives me nuts at times.
a problem i had to deal with during the last few years is that my mum accuses people of stealing her. it can be her brother or sister but i am lucky (and unlucky at the same time) that we don't have many people visiting us.

now, that i had to leave for a week i found a very nice lady to come and have a look at my mother. my mother was thrilled with this lady but it only lasted 3 days. she told the lady that she didn't need her any more but didn't tell her that it was because she stole things. i know she could as well accuse her on her face but hopefully she didn't.

i truly believe that we need a lady to have a look at my mum even if it's just for company and a friendly chat or when i have to leave for some days. the thing is... how can i deal with these accusations? how can i make her stay and not throw out the lady?
i feel bad for the lady, it's not good to call you a thief is it????

thanx for listening. i hope you can provide some practical advice.

 

[jenniferpa]

Hi Annoula and welcome back.

I think all you can do is sit the lady down and explain as well as you can what is going on in your mother's mind: with her dementia sometimes she puts things away, but can't remember where. From her point of view, since she doesn't/can't accept that her memory is going, she makes up a story that someone must have taken whatever it is. Explain to her that your mother's memory is a bit like a cheese with a lot of holes in it: some parts are fine and some parts are non existent. So she can make sense about some thing and not about others, and one of the biggest things she can't make sense of is that for her, things can disappear (and appear) somewhat randomly (like looking at a day via a series of photos and trying to work out what went on in between those photos). You can also reassure her that you get the same accusations.

If she doesn't understand, or takes offense after that, then I think you have to resign yourself to the fact that she's not the right person. I think you're right, though, that your mother needs someone like this.

 

[Helen33]

Καλημέρα Άννα

It is lovely to hear from you Anna. I thought you were only going to be temporarily on the island but it now sounds like a permanent arrangement!! I am so glad that you are settled in your job.

With regard to your mum, I wonder whether you could try letting your mum know that she is worried about things being stolen and therefore you've employed this lady to help your mum protect her things

Alan often feels that his things have been stolen or are about to be stolen and it is because of this that he hides things!!

Love to you and to your mum.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Hi Annoula,

You have already been given excellent advice, so here's my two cents worth.

I agree that you have to sit down and explain to the lady that your mother has these delusions about her things being stolen. Please explain that this is extremely common with dementia.

Is it possible to work out a story between you and the lady that she is there to help you in some way?

 

[Annoula]

hello all and thanx for your replies. it's nice to see familiar faces again.

the lady seems to understand the situation, but i can't handle my mother's reactions. for her the lady is a thief.
i fear the next time i bring the lady in.

 

[scarletpauline]

This rings a bell, a few months ago Jack was so upset that our grandson had stolen something (something so trivial I can't remember what it was now) I was very cross with him but now I see it's part of the disease. Hope your mum doesn't accuse the lady again, makes things so awkward doesn't it but luckily the lady understands which is a good thing. Love Pauline xxx

 

[Soobee]

I know it's not in the same league as your issue, but I find it really annoying when I am trying to help sort out the mess around my parents' house and help them to keep on top of their finances, only to get accused of moving things by mum with (undiagnosed) vascular dementia:

"well, it was there on the table before you came round".

"well it must be still there then because I haven't touched it"

"it's not there anymore and I need it".

<go round, find it on the table underneath something else>

 

[Margaret W]

Could you encourage the lady to "find" things that are not actually missing yet, e.g. "Here is the letter that came today, have you read it yet?", or "Here is the newspaper, shall I read some of it to you", or "did you find that photograph that went missing last week - oh here it is" (the latter will need you to locate it and put it somewhere in view).

Margaret

 

[Annoula]

i will try to say positive things about the lady before she comes again. i am afraid she may get offended by my mother's attitude but she is used to old people so maybe it's just my own fear.


thank you people. it's so supporting to see other people trying to help. sometimes that's enough to make you go on.

thank you.

 

[jackson]

my mum also accuses people of stealing

my mum seems to have a grave mistrust of her possessions,no matter where she is.it is understandable to an extent as she has been in c.h.and unfortunately has had a number of her possessions gone missing ie.knickers,coat,vests,which up to date remain unaccounted for.since going back home from c.h.(respite care)she has bought new vests,knickers,coat etc to replace missing ones.i now find she has a serious mistrust of anyone and everyone including family members,she has infact accused family members of stealing her knickers,vests etc and even her money!she has made some serious allegations re:family members of stealing her money,without any evidence,no-one will ever know,which has infact split the whole family up due to the fact that the family do not understand her symptoms,sadly nowadays no family members converse any longer with my mum.i have learnt that any future respite all her personal possssions need to be security marked.hoping to build trust again with my mum and staff at any c.h.mums major probs are re:money (coins)rather than notes,ive tried to guide her and allocate £20 to her in change and notes;but this seems to annoy my mum,and she regularly makes allegations towards me taking her money from her,which leaves me feeling very frustrated and hurt,i am at a loss what or how to sort this problem out with my mum,i do not have e.p.a. or any other authority over my mums finances,i try to guide her when purchasing any items,oddly enough she will let me guide her when handing over money to anyone on a checkout at any shop;but she will not willingly allow me to guide her in any other way ie.paying for transport ie.minibuses,dial-a-ride,paying for raffle tickets at day centre or cups of tea.anyone out there got any suggestions how to deal or cope with this problem.thanks for reading.