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Mum’s behaviour is putting her at risk

Chunky12

New member
Jul 2, 2022
5
0
Hello.
My mum has what are definite signs of dementia as opposed to just simple forgetfulness.
Her actions and behaviour are causing increasing concern to myself and my brother and she is increasingly vulnerable and very open to being taken advantage of.
She dislikes her doctor (useless, pathetic are her words)
We have LPA and registered with bank but not doctor as the receptionists were particularly obstructive.
However, things have come to a head as from today she has a “lodger”. Her friend she says though only knows his first name.
He’s early 40s, no job and has MH issues.
We are seriously concerned and don’t know what to do.

Mum is fiercely independent and refuses any help .. we cannot get her to see anyone for any diagnosis or suppprt
She accuses us of thinking her stupid and thick and says she is more than capable of looking after herself . We know she’s not.

We are so scared she is going to be taken advantage of and the list of situations where this is potentially happening is increasing ie buying solar panelling, writing cheques for £5000 rather than £50 , having something paint or mend and giving money up front (and not needed as just done!) having people she calls friends into her house or going to theirs, not knowing or recognising two life long friends, thinking everyone she talks to in the park is her friend, driving to an appt and getting lost with the whole journey taking 3 hrs and her going to my brother’s instead, driving around looking for someone to fix her record player, leaving the house unlocked, losing keys/cards/handbag, constantly “sorting through things”.
She lives alone (dad died 30 yrs ago) and up until 2019 was very capable, independent and incredibly stubborn! But a social butterfly who lived life to the full.
Sorry I seem to have off loaded but the arrival of a stranger staying in her house has now taken things to another level ..
thank you
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,843
0
South coast
Hello @Chunky12 and welcome to Talking Point.

What a worry for you, I am not surprised that you are concerned - I would be too.

I would suggest that you contact Social Services safeguarding and tell them about your mum and that she is a "vulnerable person at risk" (please use these words).

I would also write a letter (harder to ignore and leaves a paper trail) to her GP outlining everything you have said in your post, so that they are aware. If the GP sent her an appointment for a medication review, do you think she would attend? Is there any other issue (eg blood pressure) that she might want to see the GP about? If so, then get an appointment and "piggy back" the issue of her memory etc onto it and go with her. If you have first written a letter to the GP then they will be aware of the true situation, rather than the "everythings fine" version your mum will say.

One other thing you might want to do is contact the police for advice, just in case this is a case of "cuckooing"

Its early, but I expect other people will come along with their stories and advice as everyone wakes up.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
4,321
0
Midlands
Have you met the lodger? Have you tried having words?

Can you up the anti a bit- remind her of the *Laws of having tennants* ( must havea rent book, fire doors Fire alarms Tennancy agreement etc etc- might make her think its not worth having him there- or better still he'll up and go) As you have POA, you need to be collecting the rent from the lodger, fair market rent - hopefully he'll be gone in the blink of an eye when he realises someone has their finger on the button


Without sounding too inquisitive- is he a lodger or a boy friend?
i'd be contacting the non emergencre poilice and SS too
 

Chunky12

New member
Jul 2, 2022
5
0
thanks Jessbow.
He’s not paying any rent - he just arrived at her house, saying he’d had an argument with his landlady who’d kicked him out and he had nowhere to go.
He staying for “a week”.
We’ve contacted the landlady who was shocked to find out that he’d gone to mum’s. Her comment was he was a “leach” and “manipulative” and had refused to pay her rent .
He’s estranged from his family who live in America and he was living in Cornwall before.
Could he be her boyfriend? Mum is mid eighties he’s mid forties (we think though could be younger)
We’ve never met him - ever in the whole time they’ve been supposed friends.
Mum said to us over and over again that there’s “ nothing going on” and she’s explained to him he’s not to bring anyone back!!!
He has a key to the house as well .
We’re at our wits end and is so upsetting because there’s nothing we can do.
We feel if we do it would destroy the trust between us and our mum. She already accuses of interfering, talking to people behind her back and going in to her house and moving things.
It’s so so sad 😞
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
4,321
0
Midlands
If you have POA, you have a right to sort out it, moreover you have a responsiblity to

get in there, as mums representative and ly the cards on the table.
You cannot allow him to leach off her
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,303
0
Kent
Hello @Chunky12

Please contact Social Services Safeguarding without delay as suggested by @canary.

If you feel you may have to wait for their input please contact the Helpline.


It is open today
  • Saturday and Sunday: 10am – 4pm
Also

 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
3,399
0
High Peak
Get this chancer away from your mum. If needs be, go over there and wait till he appears then chuck him out. You can threaten him with the police, social services, legal action or anything else you can think of.

Your mum needs to be protected. Once you get him out, you will have to keep a careful watch to make sure he doesn't return. And take over your mother's finances before she gives all her money away.
 

SweetPepper

Registered User
Feb 3, 2022
83
0
Don’t delay. It is stressful but sadly no one else will sort it out. I called the Police to my mum on Monday after she told me on the phone that her male friend about 40 years younger than her, had flown in from Europe and was asleep in her bed. Thankfully this was dementia talking, but she gave this person thousands of pounds last year, which only stopped when I enacted the POA. I couldn’t take the risk that it was true and hence the GO surgery who I have an excellent relationship with said safeguarding 101. The Police were lovely.
 

Chunky12

New member
Jul 2, 2022
5
0
Thank you all for advice.
We have logged it with Police on 101.
We are writing to GP with our concerns
We have yet to meet the “lodger” and my brother and I were over there three times yesterday.
All he has is two small suitcases and a shopping bag of personal items
He is staying in my old bedroom 😔
His “week” is up on Thursday and my brother and I will be “popping in” more frequently this week.
 

Chunky12

New member
Jul 2, 2022
5
0
He is still there. And mum says he will be staying for several weeks until he finds somewhere to live.
She is adamant she has known him for years - she hasn’t.
I tried to ask questions about him saying that it made it less awkward if I did “meet” him. But mum got extremely defensive and said if I didn’t like it not to come round.
She has no perception she is being taken for granted and he has lied to her about being made homeless - he refused to pay the rent and told his landlady he was moving.
Mum did say he had certain “beliefs” and “ideas” about “things” which she didn’t agree with but said he was a “good person” and a “friend”!!
Having spoken to the Police and her GP (who mum says she has never seen!) they have said until there is a “crisis” then nothing can be done.
This is all so out of character for mum and her whole perception of the situation is skewed - in his favour. This is all so hard and I know we have to be calm .
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
12,456
0
Yorkshire
Hi @Chunky12
I think you'd be wise to speak to some legal professional in the speciality of landlord/tenant law so you know the pitfalls you may face in eventually getting this man to leave ... and log all the info you have/get on him so you have detailed notes of what your mum says, how that changes and how he is in the house
Can you get hold of any key documents your mum has or at least take copies/photos and anything particularly valuable both in monetary terms and sentimentally

Would she come to stay with you for a visit, or go on holiday, so she is out of the house and you can say he is going to have a holiday too ... he might leave then? ... if you get him out, change the locks
 

Moggymad

Registered User
May 12, 2017
1,068
0
@nitram posted a link a while ago elsewhere to this site which you may find useful HM Land Registry Property Alert notification. Having POA you should be able to register for an alert should there be any activity against that property (Sorry I can’t remember how to post a link myself!)
 
Last edited:

nitram

Registered User
Apr 6, 2011
25,464
0
North Manchester
@nitram posted a link a while ago elsewhere to this site which you may find useful HM Land Registry Property Alert notification. Having POA you should be able to register for an alert should there be any activity against that property (Sorry I can’t remember how to post a link myself!)
I can't remember posting the link, I remember posting standing probate alert however
No need to be the owner.
 

Moggymad

Registered User
May 12, 2017
1,068
0
I can't remember posting the link, I remember posting standing probate alert however
No need to be the owner.
Sorry @nitram perhaps it was someone else then or maybe I followed a link that led me to it. You do post very useful links.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
3,399
0
High Peak
Honestly? I think you need to be more forceful. Your mother lacks the capacity to understand letting this person stay with her is extremely dangerous, so you need to act in her best interests. In other words, get him out.

It may annoy your mother but what would you rather have - an annoyed mum or a vulnerable lady taken advantage of by some chancer?

I'd suggest you watch the house then confront this man and tell him to sling his hook before you involve the police. (He won't know what the police have told you.) I think if it was my mum I'd actually go round there with a few burly friends and insist he leaves immediately. You could also tell him you've taken out an injunction and he'll get arrested if he goes anywhere near her...

Please get him out - nothing good will come of this.
 

Chunky12

New member
Jul 2, 2022
5
0
Thank you all . My brother confronted him today … we are going to rally some support from others. Neighbours and friends … then we are going down the route that she does lack any capacity to make the correct decisions.
He said he’d offered mum rent but she’d refused. His familiarity in using mum’s name is horrible.
He is lying to mum and it is so obvious.
He is driving a wedge between us and our Mum. She believes everything that he is saying and thinks we’re interfering. He knows what he is doing and manipulating her.
 
Last edited:

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