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Mr D has,Alzheimers, cognitive impairmrny and physical disabilities

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
630
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement, I know what I have to do but am afraid of taking the first step to letting go, the idea of a holiday without him there to share it upsets me just thinking about it. He is still in his PJ's I got him out of bed at 9.30 am, took him to the toilet, washed his hands and face, cleaned his teeth, shaved him sorted his breakfast. He only drank half his coffee before he got up, went into the front room, sat on the settee and went back to sleep. I will wake him again to give him his lunch, try and persuade him to have a shower and get dressed, then perhaps we can walk up the close or go a ride round in the car but I am not holding my breath, I feel another day in my life slipping away from me. I wish you well in dealing with your current situation and the journey ahead. Once again thank you for your reply.
@Jan L you've found the strength to be a carer and deal with all the other stuff life has thrown at you so I'm pretty sure you'll manage a holiday, but it's bound to make you tearful because you'll always be thinking of what you two would talk about and how much he would enjoy it - sadly our PWDs are past that, hard though it is to accept. My partner will now and again say can we go to such and such a place (whatever is on the TV usually), we have both travelled a lot, and I say yes we will. But of course we won't because it would be too stressful for him and for me and he would forget everything 5 minutes after it happened anyway. I hope there are other people that you might be able to share thoughts with.
 

Roseleigh

Registered User
Dec 26, 2016
322
you sound like you have had a similar experience to me. It is the fact that he deluded himself for so long, blamed everything on me and refused to seek help, so we never at any stage were able to share our fears and say the things you would like to say in these situations.
I doubt it's much comfort, but although my husband did understand he had dementia (he'd forget much of the time) he nevertheless did not seem to understand the implications of it, also of course the result of the disease. As my daughter said once it doesnt just take your memory, it also turns you into something of a 'stupid person'. Sadly I dont think its ever possible to have those deep converations that you feel youve missed. Now we cannot have anything resembling a conversation. He is so muddled.
My mum is now slowly going the same way. She is totally in denial like your husband, and as she is old and the hour glass of life is running low for her I am disinclined to force (trick her into) a diagnosis. I simply hope its slow so that something else takes her first. But although I can still have a perfectly normal chat with her, it really can't be deep. I can no longer get any valued opinion from her.
I suspect your husband would be similar, even if not in denial.
 

Jan L

Registered User
Mar 26, 2020
17
I doubt it's much comfort, but although my husband did understand he had dementia (he'd forget much of the time) he nevertheless did not seem to understand the implications of it, also of course the result of the disease. As my daughter said once it doesnt just take your memory, it also turns you into something of a 'stupid person'. Sadly I dont think its ever possible to have those deep converations that you feel youve missed. Now we cannot have anything resembling a conversation. He is so muddled.
My mum is now slowly going the same way. She is totally in denial like your husband, and as she is old and the hour glass of life is running low for her I am disinclined to force (trick her into) a diagnosis. I simply hope its slow so that something else takes her first. But although I can still have a perfectly normal chat with her, it really can't be deep. I can no longer get any valued opinion from her.
I suspect your husband would be similar, even if not in denial.
My Husband is no longer able to communicate at all, he can say yes or no, but as he doesn't understand the question, the reply isn't necessary correct. His communication skills were some of the first signs, not finishing sentences when he was a Walk Leader doing his little presentation at the beginning of the walks, I had to finish his sentences for him, someone remarked on this one day which made me ask myself why I was doing it. It was when I first recognised the signs (16 to 18 years ago) and told him I feared he was showing the same signs as his Father, who also started suffering from Alzheimer's Disease in his late 50's, that we could have talked, maybe accepted the situation, comforted one another and have got more out of life instead of me just feeling frustrated. I tried to carry on, planning and making decisions for both of us on my own but in the end I just became weary of the whole situation when day to day living got more difficult, so just gave up on the non essential things in life.
 

Daisy1950

Registered User
May 20, 2020
20
@canary are your techno problems anything that you can post, I'm sure there're lots of folk on here who would be happy to help.
Having to do everything does get too much sometimes doesn't it - usually I manage to just get on with it but occasionally I'll blow up. Like the other morning when he was up early, I'd helped him dress and was then clearing up the kitchen (having left it from the night before) and he started complaining that there was no breakfast, I was in a real grump, told him to make his own (felt horrible saying it because he can't do it of course and it's not his fault). Sometimes I just wish someone would make me breakfast!
So many women all with the same problem. Can't remember the last time I didn't make my own drink or meal.
 

Daisy1950

Registered User
May 20, 2020
20
Hello @Daisy1950 - welcome! You are right, it is lonely, frustrating and difficult!

My OH was only diagnosed in January and we were just getting things in place for him to attend activities to help him to socialise more, when we went into lockdown. Unlike your OH, mine is not contented. He is very depressed and is regularly saying that he has had enough and just wants to die. The Doctor has said that he has every right to feel depressed as the life he had planned has been taken away from him but as you say, what about our plans?

I had just taken voluntary redundancy and early retirement (I'm only 57 and my husband is 79). We have a touring caravan and the plan was for me to get a part time job and for us to have lots of weekend breaks in our van. Although I am able to tow the caravan, due to my OH having mobility issues and liable to fall, getting in and out of a caravan would be unsuitable for him so it's going to have to go as soon as lockdown allows.

I am working part time and to be honest, I look forward to going to work to get away from him but am frightened that as his mobility issues get worse I may have to give this up to care for him 24/7. I'm really not sure that I could cope with that.

Joining this forum has been good for me to get advice from people who are in exactly the same position and a good place to sound off when I have had a bad day.
But it's so depressing reading about all these women who have the same problems.