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Moving to care home - advice please!

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
464
channel islands
Think the guilt monkey had a good night last night and decided to invade my sleep last night - woke up about 4 times with my heart thumping after having horrible dreams. Tried to sleep without taking any nytol, think I might need to make peace with the decision a bit more before the guilt monkey disappears and he probably never will 100%. You think you have made the right decision especially as I have read you have to consider a PWD and their needs, not their wants, but blimey its not as easy as you think.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,199
Shove that monkey right back up the tree, you've got nothing to feel guilty about so he can *** off elsewhere.
You know MiL's dementia is at a stage beyond what you and OH can cope with and you would be doing her a disservice to not allow other people the opportunity to support her physical and mental needs from now on. You think you are letting her down when in fact the opposite is true. Yes, it's the hardest decision to let her go, but she will be well cared for 24/7, and because the constant worry has lifted, OH and your relationship with her will be of a dignified lady with caring children.

Your MiL sounds a bit of a goer, once the teething pains are over (there may not be any), she will settle into life and activity with people her own age, and she will regain her own name and identity.

That sounds an odd thing to say, but is your mum like mine in the fact that because she lives with us, 99% of the day she answers to mum, Grandma, but never to J.....
Sweet dreams tonight.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
957
Bedford
It is hard when the guilt monkey gets to you in the middle of the night. Despite the ‘hiccups’ I see Mum doing more, seeing and interacting with more people and most importantly generally smiling more then I know it was a good decision. Get up have a cuppa and then maybe have an afternoon nap later if possible
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
464
channel islands
Shove that monkey right back up the tree, you've got nothing to feel guilty about so he can *** off elsewhere.
You know MiL's dementia is at a stage beyond what you and OH can cope with and you would be doing her a disservice to not allow other people the opportunity to support her physical and mental needs from now on. You think you are letting her down when in fact the opposite is true. Yes, it's the hardest decision to let her go, but she will be well cared for 24/7, and because the constant worry has lifted, OH and your relationship with her will be of a dignified lady with caring children.

Your MiL sounds a bit of a goer, once the teething pains are over (there may not be any), she will settle into life and activity with people her own age, and she will regain her own name and identity.

That sounds an odd thing to say, but is your mum like mine in the fact that because she lives with us, 99% of the day she answers to mum, Grandma, but never to J.....
Sweet dreams tonight.
Yes she has a strong character even now likes to put us in our place if she can! - I do get you say about identity, I looking forward to "re-establishing" mine in my own name when all is settled instead of carer for the MIL - I told the Guilt Monkey to do one and I that I am getting some sleep tonight!
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
464
channel islands
It is hard when the guilt monkey gets to you in the middle of the night. Despite the ‘hiccups’ I see Mum doing more, seeing and interacting with more people and most importantly generally smiling more then I know it was a good decision. Get up have a cuppa and then maybe have an afternoon nap later if possible
Thanks @Bikerbeth I actually went and did half hour personal training - ironically it gives me more energy, reduces the anxiety and I squashed the guilt monkey with a few dumbbells (only little ones mind!)
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
252
Hi Donkeyshere
The next few weeks will pass quickly, you'll be busy naming MIL belongings and sorting her room.
It's good it's a home she has some familiarity with because of respite too.
You and your OH will have time for yourselves, whilst still being there for MIL.
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
464
channel islands
Well today I had the wobblies! Let me explain - the care home had sent me a finance sheet, bear in mind our local government funding and self funding is different to the UK. Anyway on it, there were three tiers, residential, dementia and nursing. So what we had to do was work out if we had 5 years self funding - now I think I overthought this and that we had to do all three - but in hindsight and I will know for sure tomorrow it was in fact only residential funding.

I was panicking as the funding for 5 years dementia even with local government funds was about £93000 and the other £140,000 plus!! Well if that was the case we would not have a hope of getting her into care - but in hindsight they were asking if we have 5 years funding for residential only, which we do.

I will know for sure tomorrow and as the Social Worker only ever mentioned residential funding I think we will be ok. Crossing my fingers as tonight the MIL came and asked what time she was going to day care (shes asked 10 times today what time was she going) - it was 7pm. I said its ok, thats tomorrow its night time now - oh she said I wondered why I was dressed!
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,199
Well today I had the wobblies! Let me explain - the care home had sent me a finance sheet, bear in mind our local government funding and self funding is different to the UK. Anyway on it, there were three tiers, residential, dementia and nursing. So what we had to do was work out if we had 5 years self funding - now I think I overthought this and that we had to do all three - but in hindsight and I will know for sure tomorrow it was in fact only residential funding.

I was panicking as the funding for 5 years dementia even with local government funds was about £93000 and the other £140,000 plus!! Well if that was the case we would not have a hope of getting her into care - but in hindsight they were asking if we have 5 years funding for residential only, which we do.

I will know for sure tomorrow and as the Social Worker only ever mentioned residential funding I think we will be ok. Crossing my fingers as tonight the MIL came and asked what time she was going to day care (shes asked 10 times today what time was she going) - it was 7pm. I said its ok, thats tomorrow its night time now - oh she said I wondered why I was dressed!
Crossed fingers
(picture crossed fingers, emojis don't seem to work from my old Hudl on this forum)
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
464
channel islands
Hope things are sorting themselves out xx
Hi @DesperateofDevon - spoke to the care home and we are ok for finances but I can feel the anxiety ramping up, couple of other things going on as well, so might end up back at the docs on Monday for some more anxiety meds!

Moving my son to the UK next weekend lovely overnight trip on the boat - blowup camping mattress ready! back to the "Rock" Tuesday then care home Thursday.

This is stressing me out so much, not the moving of the son he is fine and moving in with his best uni mate (they shared halls/houses together) and will be working at the same school! But its the thought of Thurs week and the unknown response we might get when we tell MIL she is going.

Just trying to put it out of my mind for the minute.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
957
Bedford
I know easier said than done but try and take it in manageable bite size chunks. Maybe if you could just focus on son’s move first and see him settle.
The unknown response by MIL to moving will never be predictable. However with good staff your MIL will be helped to settle in. When I have moved house all for good reasons I have always been sad to leave the ‘old’ house due to the memories i associated with it. I guess it is the same for a move into a CH but you add the confusion on top as well. Fingers crossed for both moves going at least reasonably well and a big hug too.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
Hi @DesperateofDevon - spoke to the care home and we are ok for finances but I can feel the anxiety ramping up, couple of other things going on as well, so might end up back at the docs on Monday for some more anxiety meds!

Moving my son to the UK next weekend lovely overnight trip on the boat - blowup camping mattress ready! back to the "Rock" Tuesday then care home Thursday.

This is stressing me out so much, not the moving of the son he is fine and moving in with his best uni mate (they shared halls/houses together) and will be working at the same school! But its the thought of Thurs week and the unknown response we might get when we tell MIL she is going.

Just trying to put it out of my mind for the minute.
Well that’s easier said than done.... I try & take it bit by bit but again ....
As for the unknown response.... when I took in Dad I just rocked up ( obviously you are on site!?!) packed a small overnight bag of essentials as Dad was supposedly going in for respite- he just never came out! maybe a love lie or two ?

just a few days holiday/ break for you redecorating the house & lots of fumes...

honestly no matter what you say is there a right or wrong way .... how to do it the gentlest way.

I really don’t know as each PWD is unique as is each carers relationship with the PWD.

make sure you have fun settling son in, you deserve a good few giggles !

& a couple of drinks!!! xx
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
464
channel islands
Well that’s easier said than done.... I try & take it bit by bit but again ....
As for the unknown response.... when I took in Dad I just rocked up ( obviously you are on site!?!) packed a small overnight bag of essentials as Dad was supposedly going in for respite- he just never came out! maybe a love lie or two ?

just a few days holiday/ break for you redecorating the house & lots of fumes...

honestly no matter what you say is there a right or wrong way .... how to do it the gentlest way.

I really don’t know as each PWD is unique as is each carers relationship with the PWD.

make sure you have fun settling son in, you deserve a good few giggles !

& a couple of drinks!!! xx
Me drink, never a drop has passed my lips ever!!!!! I have a feeling the son's girlfriend might be kicking me out of his house and besides another night on a blow mattress after the boat does not appeal, dont worry have booked a hotel down the road. You are all right just one thing at a time!
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,199
Me drink, never a drop has passed my lips ever!!!!! I have a feeling the son's girlfriend might be kicking me out of his house and besides another night on a blow mattress after the boat does not appeal, dont worry have booked a hotel down the road. You are all right just one thing at a time!
Dry January eh?!?
Medicinal needs only!
xxxxxxxx
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
464
channel islands
I'm trying to limit alcohol intake as I know this will make me feel worse. I am going to the docs tomorrow as I have too much anxiety which has been causing me lack of sleep, too much to worry about and still working (which has its own issues). Worrying about worrying ! I think because the stress has been ongoing for the last 9 months and hyped up since October, the body and mind is feeling it. I know deep breaths, in for 7 our for 11 and to take care of myself before giving to others! You try telling my head the same!
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
I'm trying to limit alcohol intake as I know this will make me feel worse. I am going to the docs tomorrow as I have too much anxiety which has been causing me lack of sleep, too much to worry about and still working (which has its own issues). Worrying about worrying ! I think because the stress has been ongoing for the last 9 months and hyped up since October, the body and mind is feeling it. I know deep breaths, in for 7 our for 11 and to take care of myself before giving to others! You try telling my head the same!
My daughter literally dragged me out of the house the other night & I was frogmarched on a brisk walk! I held her hand & cried most of the way; it was as if a plug had been removed from a dam .... I actually slept better.
After another sleepless night I made myself go out on a longer walk with daughter & OH last night. Yes I still wake up but I did drop back off again & the dreadful churning is easing a little.

it’s raining like it will never stop here at the moment but as soon as it’s a clear spell I’m off for the walk, I realise I’m fortunate to be able to do that - but a positive of the care home means you will be able to walk to. It’s the best stress buster ever.
I have had depression for over 20 years after having mini strokes, & really battle with it at times- the M.E doesn’t help!
But I’m determined to not be this miserable wet blob forever - I want me back a little the slightly greyer more battered & bruised me !!!!
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
464
channel islands
My daughter literally dragged me out of the house the other night & I was frogmarched on a brisk walk! I held her hand & cried most of the way; it was as if a plug had been removed from a dam .... I actually slept better.
After another sleepless night I made myself go out on a longer walk with daughter & OH last night. Yes I still wake up but I did drop back off again & the dreadful churning is easing a little.

it’s raining like it will never stop here at the moment but as soon as it’s a clear spell I’m off for the walk, I realise I’m fortunate to be able to do that - but a positive of the care home means you will be able to walk to. It’s the best stress buster ever.
I have had depression for over 20 years after having mini strokes, & really battle with it at times- the M.E doesn’t help!
But I’m determined to not be this miserable wet blob forever - I want me back a little the slightly greyer more battered & bruised me !!!!
If its any help you can have a few of my virtual tissues - its raining here as well but I've just managed to hoover, now gone back into quivering wreck mode on the sofa in my dog sandwich!
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
957
Bedford
I'm trying to limit alcohol intake as I know this will make me feel worse. I am going to the docs tomorrow as I have too much anxiety which has been causing me lack of sleep, too much to worry about and still working (which has its own issues). Worrying about worrying ! I think because the stress has been ongoing for the last 9 months and hyped up since October, the body and mind is feeling it. I know deep breaths, in for 7 our for 11 and to take care of myself before giving to others! You try telling my head the same!
I wish I could offer a miracle solution but I am afraid not. Just empathy and sending some hugs
 

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