Moving to care home - advice please!

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
460
channel islands
Hi All

Its has all been sorted and the MIL has a care home place at the same place she had respite care. So my OH and I are popping there tomorrow to discuss with them. However, despite last Sunday discussing this with the MIL and all was fine and she agreed, Monday the SW came and she threw a hissy fit and we were her worst enemies,she can look after herself and we do nothing for her - you know how it goes! Despite that he went back to the panel he had to see and she has been awarded her long term care certificate so can basically now go in a home (works different to the UK).

However, just wondering how to approach the issue of a) what do we tell her - she may realise its not respite if we try that one, she may be ok, she may throw a hissy fit again - and then we have to get her there once her room is allocated. That's the bit I am dreading - how have others approached this what has worked for them? Any ideas gratefully received! Thanks
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,301
South coast
I wouldnt mention it again until the day she is moving there. That gives her time to forget about the SW.
When you take her treat it as if she were going there for respite - you dont have to tell her its permanant. I never told mum she was moving to her care home permanently, I just told her she was convalescing and eventually she stopped asking and just thought of the care home as her actual home. So why not tell her she is going on holiday and she has been there before and liked it. Im sure once she gets there and the carers all recognise her and make a fuss of her it will be all fine again.
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
460
channel islands
I wouldnt mention it again until the day she is moving there. That gives her time to forget about the SW.
When you take her treat it as if she were going there for respite - you dont have to tell her its permanant. I never told mum she was moving to her care home permanently, I just told her she was convalescing and eventually she stopped asking and just thought of the care home as her actual home. So why not tell her she is going on holiday and she has been there before and liked it. Im sure once she gets there and the carers all recognise her and make a fuss of her it will be all fine again.
Thanks Canary shes forgotten about the social worker (within about 3 hours) - problem is she knows with Respite she comes home again! We could say its a trial that she agreed to, small love lie, we did mention that she had been there before for respite but she had no recollection of it. We are going to talk to the lady at the care home tomorrow so she will be able to give suggestions (this is the one I saw initially for respite so she knows us and the MIL already). Thanks for the sound advice as always.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
532
I agree with the above. Mummy transitioned gradually to a care home - day care and then full time. She was under the impression that "once I am better I will go home". Though it broke my heart I never contradicted her and after a while she stopped saying anything about going anywhere.
I would say, both you and her need a "settling in" period, where you will both need to adjust. You may well find after this (times vary) she doesn't ask to go home as much as you might expect. Mummy wanted to "go home" but this was to her childhood home - and I understand this can be linked to a need to escape dementia, back to a time before it, Still very sad, but not really about "home" as such. CH staff are very familiar with this and will know how to respond.
I think a "trial" is a good idea. Happily Mummy became involved in the life of the home - activities and formed strong bonds with the staff. I hope the same will happen with your MIL.
When you leave on the day she goes, leave at lunch time or another time when she is occupied and recognise that it'll be a difficult time for you too. Good luck
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,301
South coast
problem is she knows with Respite she comes home again!
Is she really that aware of time? When I told mum that she was convalescing she also assumed that she would be coming home again so I was just very vague about when she was coming home and after about 6 weeks she had forgotten about her bungalow and thought that the care home was he home
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,504
Chester
@canary 's first post is very much what I have always seen recommended on TP

I'd also suggest making sure she doesn't know until the day so she can't say anything to the interfering cousin

In fact just tell the interfering cousin she is at day care every time she visits so she doesn't know and can't tell BIL
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
248
Hi, yes I'd agree with all the good advice. Don't let her see you doing lots of packing, just take a few bits for "respite", then sneak more bits in as the week goes by. If your MIL asks about going home after a few weeks could a "problem" with her home arisen eg the heating has broken so she'll have to stay a few more weeks, keep prolonging it in the hope she will come to see the care home as just where she now lives?
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,240
65
Toronto, Canada
I don't see there is a need to tell her anything at all, if you can avoid it. Leave it to the day of, if you must. When I moved my mother from hospital to retirement home, I never told her where she was going or what we were doing. I simply said she would be staying there a few days.

When I moved her from the retirement home to the nursing home, I simply took her to lunch while my husband & a friend moved her belongings. Not that she had a lot in retirement home.
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
460
channel islands
Id forgotten about the interfering cousin :eek::eek:
Definitely dont say anything until the day ;)
I hadn't forgotten! Not telling the cousin anything or she will tell the invisible who in turn will call the MIL and stir the bees nest - the cousin is busy this week anyway so not having to deal with her as well! So a good thing not having guardianship means the invisible BIL does not get to say what happens or I am sure he would have tried to scupper this as well. However, I do think on this occasion the cousin would agree with us on a care home (but there again......!)

I think you are right about not telling MIL till the day, so I have a plan building, as she goes to day care on Wednesday - I can take the day off work and start to put some things aside in our house (from her annex) wash, label and pack them, then we can just put a big suitcase in the car and pack a small one in front of her on the day just telling her she agreed for a trial - if she kicks off I will just say well its all sorted and you have to go as the OH and I are going away for a bit. Whoever said adults shouldn't lie!

Its all happened quickly so taking a bit of time to process that the fact that its going to happen is quite strange. After having her with us for 8 years (4 years since diagnosis) I can't quite envisage how things will be.
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
460
channel islands
Hi, yes I'd agree with all the good advice. Don't let her see you doing lots of packing, just take a few bits for "respite", then sneak more bits in as the week goes by. If your MIL asks about going home after a few weeks could a "problem" with her home arisen eg the heating has broken so she'll have to stay a few more weeks, keep prolonging it in the hope she will come to see the care home as just where she now lives?
I had thought the same after we visit her for her "trial" that there is a problem with the roof on her annex that is going to a while to fix, always hard to get roofers on a small island! Then I think the underfloor heating might go because the leak from the roof has affected it so we have to have the floor dug up, then.....just kidding!
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
1,578
Essex
Dear Donkeyshere,

If you follow the advice above you'll be okay although if the invisibles ever find out they could become interested in the fees.

Good luck

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
1,578
Essex
Don't forget to bring a torch with you every time you visit just in case mil decides to turn the toilet light out with you inside like dad did with me!

MaNaAk
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
731
Bedford
Also agreeing what others have said. I also told Mum it was a trial. A couple of days later she said she wanted to leave so I said ‘well you have paid for 4 weeks so you might as well give it a bit longer’. I just then forgot to tell her when the 4 weeks were up. I hope it all goes well for MIL.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,022
It sounds as if you're all sorted, contingency plans in place, good luck @Donkeyshere, hope all goes well.
How's your OH at the moment, is he coping with the change in circumstances?
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
460
channel islands
Just an update - we have the MIL booked to move in just under 3 weeks. Its the same home she had respite at and ironically its a room next door to the one she was in for that. Once she settles we can take up her own furniture which I did not realise - OH made a couple of room plans so @Dimpsy I think that he is feeling better especially now he has been to the home his mind is much more settled and can see a way forward. Thank you for asking, we have literally just been chatting about things and we are of the agreement that this is the best thing all round, now the decision had been made, we can make peace with it.

The care home supervisor said not to say anything till the day and we have decided to say that its not our decision that she agreed with the SW who said that the doctor has said she needs more help now than we can give and anyway we are going away for a break so she has to go. If she kicks off, we will just say its not our choice and leave her for a minute then carry on packing her case. They only need a weeks worth of clothes to begin with so that gives me time to sort the rest once she is in and arrange a van for her furniture! Well that's the plan not sure if it will go that way!

@MaNaAk dont worry they are sensor lights in the bathroom so switch themselves on and off!
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,363
Kent
It`s good you have something sorted @Donkeyshere. Everyone here who has had to make the same decision knows just how upsetting it is, even though logic tells us its the best option.

Tell your mother in law as little as possible and then she`ll have less to be confused about.

I hope the next three weeks don`t drag for you.
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
460
channel islands
It`s good you have something sorted @Donkeyshere. Everyone here who has had to make the same decision knows just how upsetting it is, even though logic tells us its the best option.

Tell your mother in law as little as possible and then she`ll have less to be confused about.

I hope the next three weeks don`t drag for you.
Thanks yes totally agree about telling her as little as possible, I think the next three weeks will be ok as we can see light at the end of the tunnel, the OH was just saying how he was looking forward to just being able to go out for coffee again on Sundays, you do not realise how much disappears from your life until you think about it. It is the best decision even though it was me that made it, I think that the lack of resistance from the OH has also made me realise that he knows it is the right thing.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
155
I hope it goes really well - dad told the memory nurse that he had been at the home for ten years when she visited. I mean it has felt like ten years for the staff and myself I'm sure but it was only a few months. I didn't even think he would be there permanently anyway but as it happened he needed that supervision. I did tell dad when he was moving to help console him over the planned eviction he had hanging over him but he was still surprised when I turned up to move him!
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
1,578
Essex
Just an update - we have the MIL booked to move in just under 3 weeks. Its the same home she had respite at and ironically its a room next door to the one she was in for that. Once she settles we can take up her own furniture which I did not realise - OH made a couple of room plans so @Dimpsy I think that he is feeling better especially now he has been to the home his mind is much more settled and can see a way forward. Thank you for asking, we have literally just been chatting about things and we are of the agreement that this is the best thing all round, now the decision had been made, we can make peace with it.

The care home supervisor said not to say anything till the day and we have decided to say that its not our decision that she agreed with the SW who said that the doctor has said she needs more help now than we can give and anyway we are going away for a break so she has to go. If she kicks off, we will just say its not our choice and leave her for a minute then carry on packing her case. They only need a weeks worth of clothes to begin with so that gives me time to sort the rest once she is in and arrange a van for her furniture! Well that's the plan not sure if it will go that way!

@MaNaAk dont worry they are sensor lights in the bathroom so switch themselves on and off!
Thankyou @Donkeyshere! I wasn't quite so lucky with sensor lights!

MaNaAk