moving to a nursing home during the pandemic?

[totallyconfused]

My mother was moved up to the immediate list for a nearby nursing home. They are accepting new patients, they must have a swab test first.

Ive cared for my mother for many years, lockdown has been difficult with no visitors and home help being cancelled. The nights are killing me. We pay 210 a night for 3 nights and I do 4. I used to do 7 but nearly collapsed.

Its getting harder to mind and care for her but I also feel like Im letting her down big time by putting her in a home, especially during this time. She has the money for home care but its so expensive. If I knew she had 6 months then Id keep her home.

I am super nervous about the winter coming with the vomiting bug, flu and of course the virus and not sure how we would cope.

Its just **** either way to be honest.

 

[Cat27]

Is there a place available now @totallyconfused?
You are not letting here down at all. You’ve gone above and beyond for your mum.

 

[lemonbalm]

You can't keep that up @totallyconfused . What would happen if you were ill yourself?

I always thought I would keep mum at home until the end but there's only so much we can do. It sounds as though you know deep down that it's the right thing to do. It's terribly hard because, at the same time, it feels wrong. The daughter in us says no, the carer in us says yes. It does sound like time for a change for you and for your mum.

 

[totallyconfused]

Is there a place available now @totallyconfused?
You are not letting here down at all. You’ve gone above and beyond for your mum.

Not in the one we would like, shes on the immediate list. Its close by, great reviews, many have recommended it to us. It could still be a long while yet.

I think I would feel unsettled whatever decision I make because it would affect us both in different way,s. Its jsut very sad watching her now and perhaps she would be better off without someone who is more detached from the situation.

Guilt is a huge part of caring. You always feel your best isn't good enough. The pandemic has made things harder for everyone.

 

[totallyconfused]

You can't keep that up @totallyconfused . What would happen if you were ill yourself?

I always thought I would keep mum at home until the end but there's only so much we can do. It sounds as though you know deep down that it's the right thing to do. It's terribly hard because, at the same time, it feels wrong. The daughter in us says no, the carer in us says yes. It does sound like time for a change for you and for your mum.

The daughter in us says no, the carer in us says yes.

that sums it all up so well. I'm broken to be honest, Im mentally and physically exhausted. Just terribly sad about her, my own life, the future.I supose I am grieving for my own life lsot as well as hers as us carers give up an awful lot.

Some day I might be able to say I tried my best but right now I cant. I just feel guilty and sad. Hopefully this will pass.

 

[lemonbalm]

Even our best will probably never feel enough @totallyconfused but, as I've said before in other posts, when we are carers we start to believe that we really don't matter any more and can destroy ourselves in the process. Perhaps it's time to hand over the carer role and get back to being a daughter. This is very hard stuff at the best of times and particularly so now. Keep posting.

 

[MrsChristmas]

Hi totally confused

I can really sense your feeling of helplessness in your post. It sounds like you have given up a lot to for your mum and perhaps it’s some Me Time for you now? I’m sure your mum (before this awful disease took over her) would not want you suffer like this? Only you can answer that.

The lockdown has caused a lot of people to rethink their situation.

I too have an elderly mum that I have looked out for (but not cared for to the extent you have) over the 8 years since she was widowed. It’s the responsibility that I found most challenging, particularly during the lockdown as there was no one else. That’s a lonely feeling and has triggered adepression.

ive made a big decision to move away because Mum is refusing help and I find it so hard to see her spend days on her own just watching tv or sleeping. I know she would be so much happier in a home but she not engaging. Social Care have been involved but she has capacity and its just a case of waiting for the inevitable crisis.

I just had to put myself first for my health and sanity.