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Moving on......

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Jinx, Mar 28, 2016.

  1. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,341
    Pontypool
    I'm in limbo, still over two weeks before Bernard's funeral, he died just over a week ago, and the waiting for the final goodbye seems interminable. I have lots of support and had a lovely day yesterday with the family. Today I think I will go and pack up his belongings at the care home ready for SIL to collect, then if the weather improves a nice long walk to blow away the cobwebs.

    I started looking at probate forms a couple of days ago and got to the bit about cousins, then realised I know so little about his mother's side of the family. Sadly his sister has Alzheimer's now, she is 88, so can't ask her either. I think there is one cousin to whom we send Christmas cards so will drop a note and try to find out if there is anyone else to include.


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  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    64,176
    Kent
    It`s not the best of times Jinx but all you can do is tread water until the funeral. Two weeks is a long time to have to wait.

    It`s good to know you have good family support around you.
     
  3. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    5,041
    Suffolk
    Do you have to do probate? I was told that if the will met certain conditions, probate wasn't required unless one of the companies you were dealing with requested it. Unfortunately 2 of them did in my case.
    Apologies if you have to do it anyway.
     
  4. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    3,450
    Hope you are doing OK jinx. Good to know you have support from family. A difficult time to get through before the funeral and getting used to a new reality. Hope you have some peace from time to time xx
     
  5. 100 miles

    100 miles Registered User

    Apr 16, 2015
    95
    1 It is so early. Plenty of time for paperwork. But I agree, check that you do need to get probate before you get too deep into the form filling.
    2 Snap. The cousin question was one I had no idea about. It brings it home to you that there is no-one else to ask, except in this case - HMRC. I phoned them, explained there is a will - but I really couldn't reliably answer the cousin question. And you know what? They said 'don't worry'. A victory for common sense. :)
     
  6. LadyA

    LadyA Volunteer Host

    Oct 19, 2009
    11,479
    Ireland
    Maybe the situation is different here, but as William and I had straightforward Wills, leaving everything to each other, I didn't need to take out Probate. Everything was very easy. I just let my Solicitor check the Will, draw up a new Will for me, transfer the house into my name, and while she was at it,she drew up an EPA and a Living Will and lodged them on her files for me.
     
  7. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,822
    Essex
    Jinx honey, it is too soon for you to be bothering about Probate. I'm assuming, but please correct me if I'm wrong, that you had mirror wills? I started John's probate about 6 weeks after the funeral. I got the bungalow valued, and if you were both owners, you only include half on the probate forms.

    And I didn't bother about cousins, the adopted half brother, who I had no idea if he was alive or dead, the half sister, who we hadn't seen or heard from in 35 years, or anyone else.

    When you're ready to do it, please PM me, and I'll be only too happy to help you. But you have this limbo for 2 weeks, until the funeral, and you don't want to overload your brain with non-vital things.

    Any help I can give you, in any way at all, please feel free to PM me. Holding your hand tightly xxx
     
  8. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,341
    Pontypool
    Thank you all, I will find out today if I need to bother, reading what you've all said I probably don't. Just assumed that it was something one had to do.

    Took a deep breath yesterday and cleared out B's room at the Care Home. They're so lovely there it's almost like going home even though B was only there for three months really as his last month was in hospital. Anyway it's done now and I've packed up most of his clothes here too ready for charity shop.

    The vicar is coming today to discuss the service at the crem, really want it to be a celebration of his life so hope we can achieve the right balance.


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  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    64,176
    Kent
    At least you`ll have something constructive to do today Jinx. I hope you will be pleased with what you decide on. I remember it being a big relief to me.

    Well done for getting the room sorted so quickly. It`s an upsetting job over and done with.
     
  10. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,748
    North Somerset
    Dear Jinx. I'm so sorry I must have missed your news about Bernard. Please accept my deepest sympathy at this sad time. Verityxx
     
  11. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,341
    Pontypool
    Strange how it's the little things that tip you over the edge. Had the family over today and we were busy looking through photo albums while the children were playing. As is the way it all got very noisy as the little ones got tired and I found that quite trying, it usually doesn't bother me. Then I discovered youngest granddaughter had found my gold locket, which Bernard gave me many years ago, and had taken it off its chain, and separated locket from link and the chain was missing. I just dissolved rather stupidly, upsetting my daughter as well. Fortunately, after a prayer to the ever helpful St Anthony (patron saint of lost causes) I found the chain on the floor so all was well. xx


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  12. LadyA

    LadyA Volunteer Host

    Oct 19, 2009
    11,479
    Ireland
    Very understandable, jinx. These things become extra precious.
     
  13. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,808
    Ireland
    Am so glad you found it Jinx. St Anthony gets very busy with me at times!

    Aisling xxxxxx
     
  14. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,822
    Essex
    I absolutely agree, that the tiny things can upset you at this awful time. It's good that you have sorted Bernard's things out, and you know someone will be grateful for those.

    I hope your plans go smoothly with the vicar xxx
     
  15. sunray

    sunray Registered User

    It must be hard to wait so long for a funeral, here in Australia it is usually a week or less between the death and the funeral so there is just enough time to gather the family together and it is all over. After the death certificate is issued is when you can start all the paperwork.

    Jinx, just be gentle with yourself and don't accept anything that puts pressure on you or gives you negative feelings, grieving is a long slow process, but we all have to go through it.
     
  16. LadyA

    LadyA Volunteer Host

    Oct 19, 2009
    11,479
    Ireland
    Same here. Usually two days after the death, sometimes even the day after, depending on the time of death and whether family had far to travel. William's family had to come from the US, so he died on a Monday, and his funeral was on the following Saturday. It was long enough, because my dau held to the old tradional thing- she wouldn't let me go out alone or drive until after the funeral!
     
  17. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,822
    Essex
    How are you Sweetie? Just letting you know you're in my thoughts xxx
     
  18. patchworkamber

    patchworkamber Registered User

    Jan 6, 2014
    45
    south east wales
    Hi jinx

    My first time on this final section of the forum as my husband died on 23rd last month. I agree Jinx that the limbo land waiting for the funeral is really hard to manage. Everything just seems surreal. It's like constantly being in a room with a wonky picture that you would normally put right and then feel OK again. But there is no picture to put right and that sense of 'wonkiness' won't go away. Doing all the 'death admin' as my daughter calls it, gives me something to do. I wrote four letters to his distant relatives this evening telling them the news.... Hey ho. Just want his humanist service to be a celebration of his life and all that.
     
  19. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,341
    Pontypool
    Patchworkamber, so sorry you're in the same situation. Another week to go but I decided to return to work yesterday, which is a good distraction. I had a lovely, spur of the moment, weekend away in East Devon with younger daughter and family. We lived there when the children were little so lots of happy memories and it was good to do something different. x


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  20. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    3,036
    Female
    Chester
    We had to wait over 3 weeks for our stillborn son's funeral (post mortem took a while which delayed it) and we were advised to go away (by hospital consultant) which we did.

    So glad you had a few days away which distract from it all, for us it was a much needed break in a favourite place.

    Hope your work colleagues are supportive.
     

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