Moving on

[Elaine68]

This is my second good week no attacks and I have been round to my neighbours for the second time this week again 21/2 hrs later I got home but feeling much more myself no hesitation leaving the house.
I still need to venture that bit further may be next week I could make that my next challenge. I do seem to be a lot happier and find I have started to listen to the radio again and singing a long with it that could be why it's snowing who knows.
I am going to have a ring made with some of Gordon's ashes so I can always have him with me I am looking forward to this being done in the next month or so it means so much to me.
This is my good time I don't know if grief will hit me again but if it does I will just pick myself up again.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I am glad elaine68 that sounds like another positive step to feeling better and how lovely that you have a close neighbour you can just chat laugh and lose sense of time with. The ring sounds as though it will be a great comfort to you and who knows when the grief button gets pressed again...take each day as it comes. All good wishes to you

 

[Greyone]

This is my second good week no attacks and I have been round to my neighbours for the second time this week again 21/2 hrs later I got home but feeling much more myself no hesitation leaving the house.
I still need to venture that bit further may be next week I could make that my next challenge. I do seem to be a lot happier and find I have started to listen to the radio again and singing a long with it that could be why it's snowing who knows.
I am going to have a ring made with some of Gordon's ashes so I can always have him with me I am looking forward to this being done in the next month or so it means so much to me.
This is my good time I don't know if grief will hit me again but if it does I will just pick myself up again.

It certainly sounds like you are better with two helpful activities, going out and mixing with people you know. Good luck with going further afield.

 

[Marcelle123]

So glad to hear that your week is going so well, Elaine. xx

 

[Loopiloo]

It is good to read your latest posts Elaine and that you have turned a corner on this new road. Keep on going, at your own pace, and enjoy. You have come a distance in an extremely short time. But if or when grief comes then remember it is a natural part of learning how to live with your loss and it will take its course in its own way. Both tears and laughter are part of life as are day and night.

Wishing you all the best and thinking of you.
Loo xxx

 

[Elaine68]

Thank you all for your good wishes and the support I am getting from you all as well as good friends from church I do believe this is putting me back on the right path and frame of mind.
I think I have now come to terms with the fact I am on my own and I have got to build my life and make the most of it.
I get up in a morning feeling happy and can plan my day to suit me for the first time in my life I have no worries of caring for another person which is kinda good as I don't feel stressed out any more.
I have not had a holiday or break from caring in 5yrs so one of my plans is to do a bit of traveling I would like to go to London and do some sightseeing first as a start but thats a bit further down the line I still need to master this going out but I have a goal to aim for now.

 

[Marcelle123]

A lovely idea to do some travelling. Hope as the weather improves & the days lighten your spirits will rise too and it will feel good to be out and about. xx

 

[Elaine68]

Another good week had to walk part of the way home last Sunday from church because of the snow and what a challenge that was not only trying to walk but I was not near home so only one thing to do keep going forward it was no good falling to bits thats the first time I have walked so far on my own. I was glad to get in only because I was like a snow man but I was so proud that I had done it if I can achieve that I can achieve anything.
Hoping to get back to my coffee morning tomorrow at another church I have not been since I think it was August last year I had to stop going because Gordon was not well so looking forward to achieving that and getting to meet everyone again.
I still miss Gordon very much and wish he was here with me now and I guess I will always have this feeling but I am trying to build my life and dealing with that is enough now I must put Gordon to the back and think of me it's my time now. I am not really sure what I am doing and I am not sure when I have found my new life I just get up each day and get on with it at the moment it's not very interesting because I dont know what I am looking for does this make sense to you all I know what I mean but trying to put it into words is not easy.

 

[Greyone]

Another good week had to walk part of the way home last Sunday from church because of the snow and what a challenge that was not only trying to walk but I was not near home so only one thing to do keep going forward it was no good falling to bits thats the first time I have walked so far on my own. I was glad to get in only because I was like a snow man but I was so proud that I had done it if I can achieve that I can achieve anything.
Hoping to get back to my coffee morning tomorrow at another church I have not been since I think it was August last year I had to stop going because Gordon was not well so looking forward to achieving that and getting to meet everyone again.
I still miss Gordon very much and wish he was here with me now and I guess I will always have this feeling but I am trying to build my life and dealing with that is enough now I must put Gordon to the back and think of me it's my time now. I am not really sure what I am doing and I am not sure when I have found my new life I just get up each day and get on with it at the moment it's not very interesting because I dont know what I am looking for does this make sense to you all I know what I mean but trying to put it into words is not easy.

Hi Elaine. Congratulations on being so brave in the snow. It can be much more treacherous than it looks. I think your idea of coffee at another church you know well is an excellent idea. Variety can only be a good thing.
On your other point, rest assured, finding a long-term purpose in life can take time. I feel just the same at the moment. But when you look around at what the World has to offer I think something will appeal to you at exactly the right time.
This April 29th will be my Mother's 2nd Anniversary when it will suddenly come home to me that she is gone and definitely not coming back. That is why I'm thinking so hard on the subject of letting go and moving on. I want the pain to stop soon and i am sure yours will soon. Good luck with all of your activities.

 

[Elaine68]

A good day at coffee morning never had so many hugs it was lovely I really felt wanted and welcomed back we talked about all sorts even got on to funerals one friend said we are supposed to cheer you up not go on about this but it did not bother me one little bit it's a subject that needs talking about it comes to us all in the end.
Another friend dropped me back home to save the taxi money every penny counts now and from there I went to the shop round the corner from me to get bread to save my son from going.
It's a start and I feel my confidence is growing it's only 8 weeks on yet it feels a life time I am still looking round the room and sometimes I think I hear Gordon asking for something and I just answer what can I get you then I realised it's just in my head I guess this will take time to move on from.
I have so much to be thankful for good friends at two churches, friends who are neighbours and 3 sons that do their best for me and good people on here I have everything to live for all I need to do is make this new life of mine a bit more interesting.

 

[Marcelle123]

Glad to read that you are making progress and getting support from your friends. xx

 

[Greyone]

A good day at coffee morning never had so many hugs it was lovely I really felt wanted and welcomed back we talked about all sorts even got on to funerals one friend said we are supposed to cheer you up not go on about this but it did not bother me one little bit it's a subject that needs talking about it comes to us all in the end.
Another friend dropped me back home to save the taxi money every penny counts now and from there I went to the shop round the corner from me to get bread to save my son from going.
It's a start and I feel my confidence is growing it's only 8 weeks on yet it feels a life time I am still looking round the room and sometimes I think I hear Gordon asking for something and I just answer what can I get you then I realised it's just in my head I guess this will take time to move on from.
I have so much to be thankful for good friends at two churches, friends who are neighbours and 3 sons that do their best for me and good people on here I have everything to live for all I need to do is make this new life of mine a bit more interesting.

That is such a wonderful story, Elaine, I hope you in line for many more. Good luck.

 

[Mac4]

What is going on with me why do I feel the way I do it's so silly I have always been strong I have had to be but now I am a shivering nervous reck. I thought I was over the panic attacks but they are back and my GP said this could last for the next year because it's not just loosing Gordon it stems from when we were first told he had got alzheimers and everything else I have gone through with him it's not been just one illness to deal with I have had his heart condition, breathing, kidneys and the fact leaving the house a no go. So I guess I have been in that long that I am frightened to go out it's hard for me to be among people it scares me but now I am beginning to think I need a head doctor. I am starting back to church on Sunday very frightened but a friend is going to pick me up and bring me back home at anytime I don't feel right I am really hoping I will be fine once in it's not like I don't know everybody I have been going for years so I know it's just me how I get out of this!! told just to face it guess it's right but easier said than done at the moment I feel I am in some kind of depression. Some days I think why bother getting up it's just the same thing every day I know I am the only one to change this feeling but when I get to the door I change my mind then I feel safe. I feel so stupid being like this I have never felt this way before.

Dear Elaine,
I have suffered the same since dealing with my mom's dementia over years. It was only after she passed away that I started having panic attacks. This disorder takes over your whole life and is more frightening than anything else I have encountered. You cannot live a normal life when suffering from frightening and very strange feelings. I surfed the internet looking for help and low and behold I found my saviour. His name is Barry McDonaugh and he started a program called "Panic Away". Thank God for him as I now have my life back. I highly recommend this program and you can google all the info. you need. Take care of yourself and don't suffer any longer.

 

[Elaine68]

Dear Elaine,
I have suffered the same since dealing with my mom's dementia over years. It was only after she passed away that I started having panic attacks. This disorder takes over your whole life and is more frightening than anything else I have encountered. You cannot live a normal life when suffering from frightening and very strange feelings. I surfed the internet looking for help and low and behold I found my saviour. His name is Barry McDonaugh and he started a program called "Panic Away". Thank God for him as I now have my life back. I highly recommend this program and you can google all the info. you need. Take care of yourself and don't suffer any longer.

Hi Mac4,
I too have never felt anything so bad as having a panic attack it's a fear that frightens you to death, that strange feeling going round in your head then everything else that comes with an attack I am getting there taking extra steps away from the house it's just the fact I am on my own and deal with this problem but I know I am the only one that can do this.
Thank you so much for the info I will google this as I don't want to feel this way after being so strong and in control of my life as well as my Gordon's but this as frightened me as I have not suffered with this before and wonder why now is it just grief.
I will look at this program and get my life back on track I need to live many thanks.

 

[Elaine68]

Mac4 you are a life saver thank you so much I felt so down today so I down loaded the app for Dare and listened to deep relaxation which took about 20minutes when finished I felt totally different so much so I went in the garden and spent an hour just cleaning things up.
I also bought the book for my Kindle and it's helping me understand a lot more now about these feelings I am having I will be alright and I will carry on with this.

 

[Loopiloo]

Good luck Elaine. It is still very early days though, not at all long since Gordon died and grief takes its own time, and form. Don't be too hard on yourself. If/when you have the down days which are part of grieving - and can also come unexpectedly - there will be better days again.

Thoughts and wishing you well
Loo xx

 

[Elaine68]

Good luck Elaine. It is still very early days though, not at all long since Gordon died and grief takes its own time, and form. Don't be too hard on yourself. If/when you have the down days which are part of grieving - and can also come unexpectedly - there will be better days again.

Thoughts and wishing you well
Loo xx

Hello Loo,
You are right it is early days I am trying to run before I can walk I just do not like this feeling of being weak when I have always been so strong guess this is the caring kicking in it's hard switching off from something I have done for years that was my purpose in life I don't know anything else.
I am supposed to rebuild my life now I don't know how or where to start to be honest nothing is making sense to me I keep going over and over in my head how did it come to this.
I don't get upset about Gordon passing away as much as the months that led to it thinking back to July we went shopping together enjoyed a meal out then August comes and it's down hill from there then comes November he's gone that is what I am struggling with. I feel I should have done more!! Did I miss any signs!! Or did I know the end was coming and just did not want to admit it to myself it had to come one day that I know but I was not prepared for how fast.
I think till I come to terms with this I cannot move on with my life I feel I let him down in some way but I know I could not do more. Just having down days I will get over it thanks for your wishes. Xx

 

[Marcelle123]

Hello Loo,
You are right it is early days I am trying to run before I can walk I just do not like this feeling of being weak when I have always been so strong guess this is the caring kicking in it's hard switching off from something I have done for years that was my purpose in life I don't know anything else.
I am supposed to rebuild my life now I don't know how or where to start to be honest nothing is making sense to me I keep going over and over in my head how did it come to this.
I don't get upset about Gordon passing away as much as the months that led to it thinking back to July we went shopping together enjoyed a meal out then August comes and it's down hill from there then comes November he's gone that is what I am struggling with. I feel I should have done more!! Did I miss any signs!! Or did I know the end was coming and just did not want to admit it to myself it had to come one day that I know but I was not prepared for how fast.
I think till I come to terms with this I cannot move on with my life I feel I let him down in some way but I know I could not do more. Just having down days I will get over it thanks for your wishes. Xx

My mother was so old and yet still her death came out of the blue. One day she was animated and happy, in the care home, as we chatted with her and took photos, celebrating her 97th birthday; the very next day the staff decided to call the doctor, and the day after that she was taken to hospital struggling for breath and almost unconscious, on blues and twos.
I couldn't believe it.

But since then, I've read of so many cases where the end came suddenly and unexpectedly.

You have nothing to blame yourself for, I am sure. I know just how you feel, because when the care home told me Mum was ill I immediately blamed myself for overtiring her - but it had nothing to do with that. It was an established pneumonia.

You are making such good progress, going to church and talking to friends, but don't try to rush things. One day at a time, and try to be kind to yourself and find things that will take you out of yourself. You have friends here who understand how hard it is.

Very best wishes. xx

 

[Elaine68]

Here I am stuck in bed with this flu that's going round all the family have had it at least I can now take myself to bed and not worry about anyone else. Took to my bed last Friday so did not make church Sunday really missed going just hope this does not knock me back but I will bounce back.
I have been so worn out these last few months that it does not surprise me that I have come down with flu so that's a good start to the new year I have never had the chance to give in to illness I had to keep going to care for Gordon so it's a bit strange that I can come to bed when poorly now.
It's given me time to think about things and I am going to take one day at a time more good days are coming!!!

 

[Marcelle123]

Sorry to read that you have flu. I hope you get all the rest you need, and take your time before going back into the thick of things. It will be 'reculer pour mieux sauter'. xx