Moving on up ... nothing gonna stop me ..

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Sam Luvit, Jun 19, 2019.

  1. nita

    nita Registered User

    Dec 30, 2011
    1,790
    Female
    Essex
    Hi, @Sam Luvit , you don't know me - I've been around on here a long time (Mum died 2 and a half years ago - I never thought I'd be saying that, though of course it's inevitable) and been reading your thread.

    Glad you are so enthusiastic and it's going well for you at the new caring job. One word of caution, though I think it may be unnecessary in your case as you sound quite feisty! - don't let the agency take advantage of you. I know ours did to the girls on their books. Some of them were run ragged going from one call to another, often overstaying their time if necessary, then ending up finishing late. And you may find some people working with you not as good and keen as you too. We had some really apathetic carers and the training was poor - some couldn't use a hoist for example. But are you doing solo calls rather than double?

    All the best.
     
  2. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,471
    East Sussex
    Hi @nita

    I’ve seen you around the site :), but not sure I’ve ever said “Hello” :rolleyes:

    I’m open to any suggestions, although you might be right on the feisty :eek: I don’t suffer fools gladly either :D

    I’ve opted for a mere ten hours, so I shouldn’t be run too ragged (I hope). I’ve said I can’t do the other days .. I have commitments :p As with all agencies there is not enough travel time, but that’s life of a Carer.

    There were four or five carers who came to mum, who made me feel such a sense of relief. It may sound a bit pathetic, or whatever, but I want to see if I can be that Carer for someone else.

    I have a mixture of solo and double handed calls. I’ve already heard tales of some carers who are “lazy” or downright dangerous. Ive asked my trainer and been told to speak up and report any instances.

    I’ve just finished my shadowing, I started at 9am and finished after 10. I think I can safely say ... I will not be agreeing to that sort of a day again :eek:

    I’m definitely going to sleep tonight :D
     
  3. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    387
    Female
    High Peak
    Hope you get a rum and coke first! ;)
     
  4. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,471
    East Sussex
    I treated myself to a slab of steak ... large rum & coke helped it glide down :D
     
  5. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,471
    East Sussex
    The things I worried about when I decided to try Carer as my next career ...

    Can I cope with urine, with the wiff n clean of that area? I’ve struggled a bit with that .. more than I thought I wouId, which is kind of strange

    Can I deal with poop? I got the answer today. It blooming stunk. Iron tablets do very unpleasant things. Yes it stunk. Yes it stuck to everything. You know what. I dealt with that better than I thought. It kept coming, I kept cleaning. That’s a tick. I can do that

    Vomit? I guess that’s for another day

    I am nervous of going solo. I think I’d be a fool if I wasn’t, but it’s mostly common sense. I’m not worried about being able to do the job itself, I'm very practical, but I’m a little worried about making a client feel bad because I have an issue with the smells. That wouId be horrid for them

    I had to bite my tongue and really fight not to tell one client how disgusted I was with them. I’ve rarely met such a racist. The comments made while a TV programme was playing were abhorrent. Thankfully, they will not be someone I will ever see again. I struggled not to tell them to hush up.

    Considering the diversity of my friends, I can safely say I judge people as people. I was tempted to tell her I’ve met “white” people who are disgustingly unhygienic and I’ve met people who display incredible intolerance while profession to be Christian. Colour or creed have nothing to do with being a decent human being

    Some people just disgust me with their prejudices :mad:
     
  6. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,022
    Female
    Chester
    Dau has been on 3 iron tablets a day for years - say no more.

    I'm always worried my mum will be racist with her carers. She grew up in a different time, and attitudes were different, originally an east ender but living in Brixton when windrush immigrants displaced the white residents of Brixton. I'm not defending her, but I think we have to accept older people, especially with dementia, are going to have these attitudes. Enoch Powell made his 'rivers of blood speech' in 1968, a time many of those with dementia have reverted to, when holding these opinions was considered acceptable. I'm not defending anyone but I do think we have to consider all these things in context, and try to see through to the person. My MIL can be very patronising and look down on those that she doesn't think are of her level in life, which I also find hard to listen to, and just basically mean.

    My mum has always seen the people she knows for who they are but has had a general concept of not wanting immigrants - which I have always found ironic given that her father was a jewish Russian immigrant, escaping the Russian pogroms.

    So far she hasn't had any carers that have given any issues, partly because the town I live in is has a very narrow racial profile, although not the wider area. But I won't be surprised if she is offensive when she does have a non white carer. Filters of course have long gone, and I know she is very vocal about carers who smoke (her sister died of lung cancer)and have tattoos.
     
  7. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,471
    East Sussex
    Hi @jugglingmum

    This particular person was in South Africa, when there was apartheid :( and she does not have dementia, if she had, I might give her some slack :rolleyes: , her comments included “I wouldn’t eat food a black man had touched”. After each comment she had that smug smile, the one that showed she was so much better :eek: She obviously views carers as servants and we were treated as such :eek: After three hours (it was a very long call), of hearing about how “they” were, they were allowed to use our pools, so of course we couldn’t use them because they are so dirty and you don't know what you might catch, etc etc

    I “didn’t hear” her comments, just zoned her out. She was determined to get me to show I agreed with her, maybe was a kindred spirit in her beliefs. At the end of the call I was asked directly, I shut that one down and left with a false smile. She’d been ramming her views of living abroad, how it’s done abroad, having servants abroad ... I smiled and said I grew up in xxx and no, Jo’Berg is South Africa, I certainly wouldn’t go there

    The days I’ve signed up to mean I won’t be seeing her again ... probably best for everyone :rolleyes:

    I understand some of the comments from dementia sufferers, they grew up in a different time, I’m not saying it was right, just that different things were acceptable at that time. I generally deflect those comments, as I’m sure many people do.

    I too worried that mum might make comments that could be viewed as racist, but she came to England in a time where it was common to see signs “No blacks, no dogs, no Irish”, so I guess she had felt enough prejudice to steer her clear of being too like that ;)

    Mum hated tattoos. She thought them common :rolleyes: That was a tricky one, as several friends have them :eek: Thankfully I was able to steer that conversation round to “today’s fashion” :p
     
  8. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    387
    Female
    High Peak
    I think are mums must be related! Dear mama is also a horrible racist, as she has been all my life. (One of the reasons we don't get on.) Yet her grandparents were Russian Jewish immigrants.

    These days she just doesn't hold back and everyone gets her vicious nasty comments. Her list of hates has now extended to include fat people, tattoos, coloured hair, children and of course, anyone on benefits... She's really not a very nice person :(
     
  9. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,915
    Suffolk
    JM, it’s not just that age group. My neighbour, late 50s, is so dead against tattoos, she changed her butcher! Tattoos were the only reason, the meat was fantastic!
     
  10. nita

    nita Registered User

    Dec 30, 2011
    1,790
    Female
    Essex
    Glad to hear you are getting on all right, @Sam Luvit apart from the smells! :eek:

    I had to deal with Mum sometimes in between carer visits (she was bedbound) and although I found it abhorrent, it was my mother and I was concerned to clean her. I don't know that I could do it for a stranger - that's why I didn't consider caring as a job. If Mum had died before I got my state pension, I would seriously have had to consider working again.

    I think the worst thing with the agency we had was that there was a lot of staff sickness and shortages which meant you never knew when they'd turn up and, for their part, they had to take on a lot of extra work which meant they were often harassed. I would say we only had a handful of carers who were really good and empathetic - I am still in touch with one of them, she was lovely. Some, even though not very well educated, were very good with Mum and she liked them. Others she really didn't. It depended on how they talked to her and how gentle they were moving her which often caused her pain. Talking of uninhibited, my Mum asked once: "what's that funny squeaky voice?" when she heard a carer behind her. Of course, Mum was always one to express her opinion, though perhaps not that directly!
     
  11. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,471
    East Sussex
    Iron tablet poo smell is .. :eek: @nita. My fear was in showing someone my horror at the stinky :(

    I’ve opted for set days, so although I’m expecting the rota to get changed (I’m already on my second revision this week), I’m not available for the other days :D

    It can’t be pleasant for the clients being manhandled by strangers, I know mum got fed up with umpteen different carers, so I’ve been smiling and friendly at each visit. Chatting while I do, saying what I’m doing and of course apologising for taking a bit longer. So far, my attitude has worked :)

    The next month should tell me if I can or can’t do this :rolleyes:
     
  12. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,470
    My dad is not and never has been racist in his life but I could have died of embarrassment when he was in hospital and referred to a black nurse as looking like a (Robertson's jam person)

    He had some delirium at the time but I was mortified. The staff didn't bat an eyelid.

    Well done @Sam Luvit for keeping your cool.
     
  13. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,471
    East Sussex
    I collected the badges from Robinson’s jam, I loved those things @Duggies-girl , :D, lost them along the way :(, part of my childhood, but I understood at some level, that I wasn’t supposed to, even though I didn’t understand why o_O

    Mums last visit to hospital, she asked a nurse what tribe she was :eek: ., I jumped in quickly and explained mum meant no offence, but that having lived in various places, different tribes had different cultures and she was asking so as not to offend. In the same way that Jews Sabbath is Saturday, or the Arabs weekend is not Saturday & Sunday, she was asking to understand, not to be disrespectful. It was a tense few seconds, but the nurse accepted my explanation and answered with a beaming smile :) Mum didn’t recognise the answer, so the nurse expanded and then mum said “sorry, I’ve not been there”. It was a little thing, could have been mega awkward, but ended up ok :)

    No guarantees I could bite my tongue with “that client” in the future. I’ve suggested to the office that I’m not a good fit :rolleyes:
     
  14. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,471
    East Sussex
    I was reading another thread on here about DNAR and it reminded me of mums last hospital admission

    In between comments on the weather, how cold it was (mid summer and baking hot to the rest of us), mum casually said “I died last night” :eek: .., then carried on with other mundane comments

    When I’d picked myself off the floor, I asked what she meant about dying.

    Mum was very calm about it all, saying she had died, then found she was in heaven. Well she knew that was wrong and she needed to get downstairs where she was supposed to be :rolleyes:

    Naturally, I found a doctor and asked what the bleeep had happened. Apparently she’d taken a turn, been unresponsive and that’s got her back :eek: Comments were made about DNAR etc and the need to contact me immediately in such circumstances.... which is when I found they had lost the DNAR

    Anyway. The point of my reminiscing ... reading the other thread reminded me of those moments and I thought to myself ... at least I know she’s upstairs and not downstairs if her previous experience was true :D

    It made me smile. Smiling is good :)
     
  15. Bikerbeth

    Bikerbeth Registered User

    Feb 11, 2019
    100
    Bedford
    We were visiting Care Homes in our area a few weeks ago for when/if needed and in the one we really like the Manager had the poem - Smiling is infectious and I thought of it again reading your post. I smiled, other half had no idea what I was reading but he just smiled back at me

    Smiling is infectious,
    you catch it like the flu,
    When someone smiled at me today,
    I started smiling too.

    I passed around the corner
    and someone saw my grin.
    When he smiled I realized
    I'd passed it on to him.

    I thought about that smile,
    then I realized its worth.
    A single smile, just like mine
    could travel round the earth.

    So, if you feel a smile begin,
    don't leave it undetected.
    Let's start an epidemic quick,
    and get the world infected!
     
  16. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,471
    East Sussex
    I love that poem @Bikerbeth, it’s one of my favourite ;)

    There was another, with the line “a smile isn’t worth anything until it’s given away” :p
     
  17. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,471
    East Sussex
    I’m a tiny bit nervous, ok, I’m a lot nervous.

    Tomorrow I go on my fist solo visit. I’ve only got four calls and they’ve given me plenty of time between them, but it’s just me. The first is a double handed, so that’s good. The others are just me

    It’s going to be ok. I keep telling myself that. It’s going to be ok
     
  18. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,022
    Female
    Chester
    I'm sure you'll be fine.

    Good luck xx
     
  19. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,471
    East Sussex
    Thank you @jugglingmum ;)
     
  20. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    2,807
    Nottinghamshire

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