Moving on from dad's death

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by MaNaAk, Oct 15, 2019.

  1. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,399
    Essex
    Hello Everyone!

    I'm just letting you know that I will be playing the Violin for dad's friends at his old care home the day before what would have been his birthday. I just wanted to make sure that his friends and female admirers still remembered me and this is my way of thanking the home for the wonderful care that they gave dad in his last year. When I have been in contact with the home they still can't believe that his death was that sudden and everyone was upset. I will be buying flowers for dad and on what would have been his birthday I hope to go out with my friends.

    I just hope that I haven't made an emotional mistake by playing the violin the day before dad's birthday when he has only been dead for four months.

    MaNaAk
     
  2. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    4,382
    Yorkshire
    I don't believe it is a mistake. You may find it upsetting, but I'm sure that it will feel like a good way to honour his memory. Music is so wonderful - I play the violin myself (not very well :) ) & wish you the best for the performance. I'm sure your father's friends will get a lot out of the day. xx
     
  3. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,399
    Essex
    Dear Marcelle,

    I am mortified that when I phoned the home to confirm Friday I found that I should have been their last Friday! I was so sorry and I apologised to them and them to extend my apologies to the residents. Tomorrow I will speak to the manageress to rearrange it but that said you are probably a brilliant violinist!

    MaNaAk
     
  4. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,636
    We can all make mistakes @MaNaAk I know I do and I am sure they will be happy for you to rearrange it and yes I think it is a wonderful way for you to honour your dad's memory. He would be proud.

    You go and give them your best, I am sure that they will all love it.
     
  5. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,399
    Essex
    Dear Duggies-girl,

    Yes! They used to like singing along and loved playing for them but I shall never forget the first time I did this because dad stood in front of me like a conductor and tried to get me to sit down in an armchair with my violin. I struggled to concentrate! Another time he started dancing whilst other people were singing.

    MaNaAk
     
  6. LynneMcV

    LynneMcV Volunteer Moderator

    May 9, 2012
    3,635
    south-east London
    What a lovely thing to arrange. A chance to bring happiness to others and remember your father at the same time. I am sure it will be wonderful :)
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,845
    Kent
    It may be emotional @MaNaAk but far more controllable to play an instrument than sing. Sorry there was confusion about the dates but good things are worth waiting for.
     
  8. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,399
    Essex
    I've managed to rearrange everything for next Friday. The home are saying that everything seems quieter without dad especially he used to sit with resident B and resident J in the dining room. This meant they had three diabetics who were completely deaf and two with dementia. All three would talk in loud voices and not know what they were talking about! The manageress and I joked that the care home seemed to be rather like a pub and sometimes it could be a playground!

    MaNaAk
     
  9. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,399
    Essex
    Hello Everyone.

    Although I was emotional after a stressful few days dealing with brothers after the house. Today went very well and was just what I needed. After playing I was able to talk to residents and staff about dad and socialise. Of course we think about how we feel after loss the home has lost someone as well.

    They miss dad and they miss the family and it seems dad kept talking about me. I will be playing there again before Xmas. I also know I will probably have to move but I haven't confirmed this with my brothers because I feel that I will be pushed into somewhere unsuitable.

    I have enjoyed this morning.

    MaNaAk
     
  10. Champers

    Champers Registered User

    Jan 3, 2019
    188
    Although it’s bittersweet, that’s wonderfully positive news - I’m so, so happy for you. I admire your strength of character and you’re an inspiration. Your posts are always well considered and very much appreciated too.
     
  11. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,399
    Essex
    Thankyou Champers.

    We carers get the strength from somewhere but we don't know where. As Kevinl says 'if you're going through hell keep going'! That's so true. I remember when I realised dad had dementia all sorts of things were going through my head and I've got through them all and you will too.

    I will act according to dad's will and give my brothers their due but I need to protect myself as well. Yes! I should have bought my own place years ago but then there are some carers who sell their house to move in with their loved one and could still be in my shoes who like me would need time to grieve.

    MaNaAk
     
  12. Donkeyshere

    Donkeyshere Registered User

    May 25, 2016
    307
    channel islands
    Glad you had a good day - keep going with building the business - I am sure the home thoroughly enjoys your playing for them.
     
  13. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,399
    Essex
    Thankyou Donkeyshere.

    I hope you enjoyed you holiday. Please be sure to book more respite soon.

    MaNaAk
     
  14. Blondee

    Blondee Registered User

    May 12, 2018
    102
    Dear MaNaAk
    I’ve been on here tonight for the first time in ages and saw that your dad had passed away. I’m so sorry. I’ve often wondered how you were doing as I know that your dad and my mum went into care homes within two or three weeks of one another.
    My mum was in the home for six months and passed away in between Christmas and New Year after contracting Noro virus. She just wasn’t strong enough to get over it. It’s such a difficult time but what a lovely thing you are doing to mark your dads birthday.
    Best wishes
    Denise
     
  15. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,399
    Essex
    I remember you Blondee and I've often thought about you. I'm sorry to hear about your mum and at that time of year. I remember you saying that your mum came out of respite care and had a fall before going back into the home. Dad did the same at about the same time.

    Dad settled into the very well and had two female admirers. He was there for nearly a year until three days before Father's Day he was taken ill with haemorrhagic stroke and passed away in hospital the following day.

    I am now coming to terms with it and dealing with probate but my brothers want their inheritance which includes the house and so far I am putting up quite a good fight.

    MaNaAk
     
  16. Blondee

    Blondee Registered User

    May 12, 2018
    102
    Oh that’s not what you need at this time. Good luck.
     
  17. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,399
    Essex
    Yes! I know but I've come this far so I'll keep going. Thank goodness I've got a lot of good friends, neighbours and pupils. I also had some lovely messages from my relatives in Malaysia.

    I hope you are okay

    MaNaAk
     

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