Moving on after my mum’s death

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Kikki21, Aug 29, 2019.

  1. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,096
    Female
    East Midlands
    Well we have no choice to be in for Xmas as we have to get out of our rented place on the 30th Nov! I didn’t really feel like Christmas last year. I was away in Ireland working with the ex & only flew back on the 19th Dec. He only came back in the early hrs of the 23rd Dec so it was very strange & with my mum in the care home for the first & only year.
    and now this year will be the first Christmas without her & she used to really love Christmas too although she always made one hell of a load of work for herself on Christmas Eve which was our traditional Polish Christmas xx
     
  2. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,138
    Toronto, Canada
    The firsts are always the most difficult, particularly when an occasion was very important to our loved one. Perhaps doing something traditional (but not all out) will help to ease you through this first Christmas. In the following years, it might well bring you comfort.
     
  3. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,839
    My Dad loves Christmas - so I have a small real tree that’s just decorated in traditional colour ways in a side room. I sit & stare at the colours & lights & remember the excitement of Christmas & decorating the tree!

    in the lounge we have a bigger one my daughter decorates - it’s normally colour themed & very tasteful!

    but I love my traditional tree, with its lovely memories
    Xx
     
  4. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,096
    Female
    East Midlands
    As my mum got older, the tree got smaller but she always decorated it in a rainbow of colours with a variety of baubles over the years. I have always colour coordinated my tree to the colours in my lounge but maybe this year I will have a break with my colour scheme & go for a rainbow of colours instead to honour my mum xx
     
  5. DianeW

    DianeW Registered User

    Sep 10, 2013
    533
    Lytham St Annes
    Of course you have been through so much and this Christmas is going to be very different for you without your Mum, it takes time to learn to do things differently, and to remember lost loved ones with happiness, and not with such is the pain of grief.

    My new tree is pre lit, but I am still going to put extra coloured light on too.....
     
  6. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,096
    Female
    East Midlands
    Thinking about Christmas without my mum
    makes me tearful. I’m just very tired & could have done with the holiday actually going ahead a few weeks ago just to recharge me for the weeks ahead of me. But it is pretty much full on with the packing & painting in the house. Kikki the cat seems to be a bit stressed with what is going on, she has started to throw up a bit which tends to happen when she is stressed as she can clearly see suitcases & boxes!
    and obviously I’m still going through it with the DWP stuff unresolved with the executor - he only got the bank statements yesterday & has made a copy of them & then posted them. I will have to keep onto him to keep chasing them.

    I still don’t get how checks are made before you get benefits that you are eligible so that’s how you get them but then after you die, they check that you were in fact eligible - there seems to be something wrong with that system. My mum’s circumstances never changed so why should her benefits be different? It’s definitely the cause of a lot of stress after someone’s death which all seems very unnecessary!
     
  7. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,839
    #147 DesperateofDevon, Nov 13, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2019
    My Granny V ( Dads Mum) when I was little used to give me a taste of Advocat at Christmas & every year I have a bottle & remember her with fondness & toast those precious memories.
    My Tummy Mummy ( I’m adopted) the first year we spent Christmas morning together made lovely porridge with clotted cream & for pure decadence topped it off with a good slug into the bowl of Baileys Irish cream! So At some point overChristmas that’s another little ritual with lovely memories!
    My Granny ( Mums Mum) used to always cook on Boxing Day a giant roast beef ! So BoxingDay is always a hot beef joint no matter what. Even hot roast beef sandwiches if all else fails, dipping the sandwich into the juices is just pure decadence.
    My Dad loved his whiskeys & a good bottle of whiskey appears in the cupboard - nothing like a piece of Christmas cake day infront of a roaring fire with a glass of whiskey. So I will be having lovely memories triggers by food & rather a lot of booze!

    Add to that my Grandads little glass of ice cold sherry, the boozy got chocolate my auntie loved plus the glass of bubbles Christmas Day .... I think I won’t have much problem sleeping!

    so that’s my way of coping & remembering the good times through a full fridge & tummy. I find comfort in food & those memories.

    I am dreading sorting out all the final paperwork- it shouldn’t be so hard. It’s emotive at the best of times but to have added dementias cruel relentlessness into the mix & those caring issues is just another low blow. The system needs to be streamlined & simplified.

    good luck with the painting & paperwork. Please find some time to just sit infront of your Christmas tree & remember the lovely times & raise a glass of whatever & toast those no longer with us & the good times & laughter. Tears allowed but also smiles....

    ((((((((((((()hugs)))))))))))))))
     
  8. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,096
    Female
    East Midlands
    Ah bless you! Well we most certainly love a bit of Baileys between us for sure! I think I can conjure up a good Christmas dessert with that & some chocolate!
    It will be our first Christmas together & in our new home so it will be really special anyway & we’ll make some new traditions I’m sure & mix them with the old ones. At the moment, we are pretty much fixated on wallpapering & painting & tomorrow the wall comes down!
    That is the big moment & the room we have really designed together takes shape - the worktops have already arrived & next up we have the units & then the doors, I have a cooker to order too. It’s definitely all go & today I have been moving stock & items into our storage area, next week, is the start of our big push to get moving across the street. Xx
     
  9. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,839
    How exciting! I look forward to one day removing walls downstairs ! I have dreams & George Clarke has a lot to answer for...

    hope all the plans go smoothly , & you get most of it sorted by Christmas! x
     
  10. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,096
    Female
    East Midlands
    We have to move out of here on the 30th Nov so time is ticking on! It’s not a very long wall to remove & in fact there is an archway there already so it is less than a three quarter wall so shouldn’t take long to remove & make good. We are concentrating on the upstairs rooms at the moment so we can move stuff across from next week onwards as we have one room close to being finished but we can’t finish up until Sunday or start to as the electrician is back then & he needs to do floor board stuff & then we can start laying our laminate flooring. So next week we will get upstairs across & I’m also moving some downstairs stuff across now to the garage/storeroom.
    in other news, we had a slight refund from British Gas for my mum’s account but then a large electricity bill! I think this is clearly wrong for an unoccupied property. Not using hardly any electricity so I have asked the executor to query this. One step forwards, several backwards!
     
  11. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,839
    Frustrating - OH is OCD about all accounts so leave him to sort out that stuff!
     
  12. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,096
    Female
    East Midlands
    The wall is now no more & the room has really opened up & we are both excited by it - I can’t wait to get our kitchen delivered next week. The wall has come down, tidied up & plastered in half a day. I can’t decide if this will be the best room in the house or whether that prize will belong to the lounge!
    The executor rang up about the electricity bill but I’m not really happy about the answer he got. So the last time someone read the meter was in 2017 but then my mum was in hospital & then went into the care home & never came back so yes the estimate was based on her previous usage but she wasn’t in her property for over a year so they can’t then say well it’s an estimate on previous usage as she wasn’t using electricity or hardly any by use of 2 lights in the house so he seems to have accepted this is ok & I’m no that really is not ok!
     

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  13. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,839
    Looking forward to seeing the kitchen installed!
    I’m probably being thick but can’t you just read the meter ?
     
  14. Susan11

    Susan11 Registered User

    Nov 18, 2018
    1,667
    Yes I'm sorry but i don't understand. The Electricity company will charge you up to your last reading . That's what happened with Mum's house. I don't think you can argue with them. But I might have missed something.
     
  15. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,096
    Female
    East Midlands
    My mum’s electric meter was last read at some point in 2017. Not sure when. She went into hospital in Dec 2017 & then from hospital went into the care home & never came back. Her bills were paid by direct debit but on estimates of her previous usage. This means that she will have been charged at the same rate of electric as when occupying the house as when it was empty & all the electric we were using was 2 lights.
    So they need to be told that - the meter was read again on completion day by the new owners so somewhere between that & the last time it was read should be the correct usage but not based on estimates of previous usage because the bungalow was not occupied for so long.
    We are talking about a £500 bill here so it’s very high for a property not using hardly any electricity!
     
  16. Susan11

    Susan11 Registered User

    Nov 18, 2018
    1,667
    I'm sorry but i still think they will charge you up to the last reading. It might mean that the previous estimates were too low and underestimated how much had been used. The meter can't charge for electricity that wasn't used. It might be that your tariff was not the cheapest. I do hope I'm wrong as i agree it's a lot of money to pay.
     
  17. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,442
    Kent
    If they have the 2017 reading and the completion date reading the bill will be accurate for the electricity used in between, standing charge and high tariff could possibly account for a higher than expected bill even with minimum use over 2 years. If you have both readings and phone them yourself you will get a clear explanation of exact usage and how they have calculated the bill taking into account your mum's direct debits otherwise although it does seem high, it really is just guesswork as to why you think the bill is wrong.
     
  18. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,096
    Female
    East Midlands
    But the bill in question for £500 is from this April to now - so for an unoccupied property that just had 2 lights using electricity until it was emptied a few months ago then it is really high.
    Also they should look back at historic bills as the 2 light situation has been going on since Jan 2018 so they have been estimating bills since that date.
    My mum was using British Gas for both gas & electric so would be on a slightly cheaper tariff for dual fuel use. I might have to ring them myself if the executor can’t explain it properly.
     
  19. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,442
    Kent
    I think that is your best course of action, maybe the executor didn't fully understand himself in order to explain properly. Regardless of any estimated bills issued within the period the company should be able to reconcile charging for the amount used between 2017 last known reading and completion date reading and deduct any direct debits payments received within that period arriving at the actual amount owed.
     
  20. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    So you will have to go back & look at her old bills and see when the last bill based on a READING was ( not an estimate) and work out from that figure, to the final reading exactly how many units have been used, irrespective of the time frame
     

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