Moving on after my mum’s death

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Kikki21, Aug 29, 2019.

  1. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,112
    Female
    East Midlands
    I keep hearing Ave Maria in my head today, it’s the hymn that should have been played at my mum’s funeral & wasn’t. I think my mum must be near me today & I have thought about her & of course my beautiful new home!

    We have made quite a lot of progress to our new home & had 2 builders come round to give us quotes about knocking the internal wall down. Luckily the work won’t take too long to complete so we should be on track to start moving in, in about 2 weeks or so time so I’m going to start packing clothes up today. I need to find my winter clothes for a start! And we need to buy some wardrobes! xx
     
  2. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,112
    Female
    East Midlands
    A post on here has made me think this morning about grief & about how we deal with it or we don’t deal with it. Mentally I’m not the same person & I do feel quite traumatised by all the events that happened even before my mum
    died. I should really give myself a break because it‘s not every year that you lose a parent & then your life threatens to absolutely fall apart as mine almost did.
    I have had to dig very deep at times to keep going & not breaking down. Now I have my house, there is definite jealousy coming out in some quarters with people who once talked to me every day or every couple of days now not even bothering!

    I do find it sad actually but there is nowt as queer as folk & this saying is very true. I know true friends ought to celebrate your successes!
     
  3. DianeW

    DianeW Registered User

    Sep 10, 2013
    534
    Lytham St Annes
    Do you know Kikki you can’t change how friends and family think and treat you.......leave the nastiness to them now, it that’s how they are behaving then really I would distance them from your life.

    My advice would be to concentrate on your new home, do the work you can comfortably afford to do and wait now until the will is finalised. Continue with your business and build a life for yourself.

    You have recently met a new partner quite quickly after previous one ended, and I am really happy for you that it’s going well, but please remember none of us know what’s around the corner and you must give yourself time to grieve now of the losses you have experienced as well as all the upheaval of dealing with the executor and now moving.....it’s a lot to cope with.

    It’s lovely that you finally have a home to call your own that came from your lovely Mum, she has enabled you to gain that security and as long as you have a roof over your head, everything else can be dealt with.

    You are in a fortunate position and it’s nothing you don’t deserve.

    How are you getting on in the new house, have you done anything over there yet???
     
  4. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,112
    Female
    East Midlands
    Thank you for your kind words @DianeW - my boyfriend does keep reminding me that I have had a tough year & should not be so hard on myself. I do very strongly believe that he was sent to me by my mum as well as the house - it all feels like it is very much meant to be in those areas.
    It’s not kind of how I wanted it but practically speaking it makes sense & I have managed to get a loan so that all the internal things we need doing to the house can be purchased before actually moving in plus maybe a bit more besides. We need to knock down an internal wall & build a new kitchen which my boyfriend will put together ( he used to be a joiner) everything that needed to be stripped out of the house has been done already so we are painting & then ready to wallpaper & then lay down our flooring to the 3 bedrooms & the lounge.
    Once that is done, then we can start moving things across. We also need to buy wardrobes as we have none & new kitchen appliances. I’m going to give the DWP a call tomorrow to see if they will tell me what’s going on.
    I’m really behind business wise as by now I would be booked into several Xmas events. So far I am only booked onto 2 - due to being restricted financially by having to clear out my mum’s house, then by being ill, then by being restricted by the executor, it has gone to pot. lots of the popular events will be full up now so I am still trying to get into events for the last week of Nov & first 2 weeks of Dec.
    And now I also need to get this house packed up so I will struggle to do everything. If I can find 3 more events to do then that would be good but then I also need to think about next year!
     
  5. DianeW

    DianeW Registered User

    Sep 10, 2013
    534
    Lytham St Annes
    Phewwwwww what a busy time your having, it’s so difficult when life goes on and work continues.

    When we moved one time it was the worst move of my life and we have done a few.....

    I finished working on Wednesday and moved on Thursday, husband was on nights every night as we had no leave left, the move was unexpected, we had a 9 year old and a dog....and it was an absolute nightmare, I don’t think I have ever been as tired in my life.

    Moving since have been much more planned out.

    Good luck with everything and keep us updated of progress x
     
  6. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,112
    Female
    East Midlands
    I hate moving & having rented since 2012, I have moved house 5 times in 7 yrs - this will be move no 6! But at least this is my very own house & I don’t intend to move for another 5 years at least! I want to enjoy this new house & the new feeling of being free!
    When renting & because I was then moving businesses, I always left a 2 week over lap. Here we have a much bigger overlap but it’s needed with all the work that needs to be done.
    We should be laying flooring this weekend so we will be very much on plan & to start moving items across x
     
  7. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    4,407
    Yorkshire
    Hi, @Kikki21 - lovely to read your update, that you have such plans for your new house.

    All the hard work is a daunting prospect, but you will get there...!

    Thinking of you. Wishing you a good week, with some pleasant spots of 'me-time', because we all need them!

    Best wishes,
    Marcelle xx
     
  8. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,112
    Female
    East Midlands
    Bless you @Marcelle123 & thank you! There is a lot of hard work ahead & my poor head is practically spinning with all that needs to be done. I’ve just ordered my bubble wrap & then the fun will start. I’m packing up my clothes first & then my nik naks & I can then start on the lounge. Lots of stuff in the dining room area can just go across as is to the garage area or I can start to sort it out as I get to it.
    I think we can start to live & sleep there once the bedrooms & lounge are done but I will have to maybe cook here as we need to order the kitchen & then build it as we go along. All while juggling work! Xx
     
  9. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,112
    Female
    East Midlands
    So as I thought the DWP won’t speak to me & apparently I don’t even count as being next of kin anymore. They are really not a nice bunch of people!
    The executor has to give them his permission & my details for them to speak to me. I just want to speed up the process as all this waiting is not doing anyone any good. Least of all me!

    My bubble wrap arrived today so I can start to pack my nik naks but need to go through some clothes drawers first. Oh the joy! I also need to get my printer working again as it is printing stuff with a blue tinge! Not good. And I have changed the cartridges.
     
  10. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    19,277
    Male
    North Manchester
    #110 nitram, Nov 5, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2019

    Assume problem is with text.
    Try:

    • Run printhead cleaning utility
    • See if you can find a greyscale setting and set to black only
    • If there is an economy print setting try it
    • Try bold and normal formatting
    • Run a test on different paper
    • Update/reinstall print drivers
    If an all in one printer is copying affected?
     
  11. nita

    nita Registered User

    Dec 30, 2011
    1,817
    Female
    Essex
    Hallo, @Kikki21 - when my Mum died it was nearly a year before DWP Estates Recovery had agreed she didn't owe back any pension credit savings credit. It took a lot of work on my part - I made up a spreadsheet detailing her different bank accounts which I had managed for over 15 years, with details of amounts, etc. and where I had moved accounts to get a better rate of interest. I also provided proof that I had advised them of her increasing balance over the years and they had been satisfied with this. The main thing was proving that she had under £6,000 when the benefit started to be paid in the 90s. She either had/or didn't have an assessed income period (I can't remember which exact term) , which meant she was eligible to receive the benefit indefinitely, whatever her savings went up to. I was concerned when they went above £10k but when I rang the DWP they assured me that was OK. I had a note of the date and phone conversation. I later sent letters giving details of balances.

    That particular benefit was the longest to sort out - the others: State Pension and Attendance Allowance were resolved in a couple of months - took longer due to the incompetence of their own internal departments (debt collection, etc.) not speaking to each other. I did ring both the pension and AA departments and checked the bank statements to work out what she had received. She was actually owed some money.

    I would say it took a lot of work on my part (the onus seems to be on you - I was the administrator of the estate as she didn't have a will) and I wonder if your executor is going to these lengths? It's probably only small amounts of money involved but the DWP will keep on at you if you don't try and resolve it.
     
  12. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,112
    Female
    East Midlands
    Thank you - problem is with printing photos. I actually do memorial charm pendants for wedding bouquets & need colour or black & white printing. I’m going to try & do a whole reset & clean everything & hope that will do the trick!
     
  13. sausagedog

    sausagedog Registered User

    Aug 22, 2019
    47
    The Executor is going to have to comply with DWP 100%. If he doesn’t and delays matters it will delay the whole process. It is his sole responsibility to sort this matter out - I would hope that he would discuss it with you if he can’t comprehend what information is required.
     
  14. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,112
    Female
    East Midlands
    Thank you for your response @nita - the issue here is them getting hold of bank statements which the executor has organised with the banks or so he says & that they would send the statements to the DWP which they haven’t.
    My mum as far as I am aware was entitled to her pension credit & I believe she had the AIP but as she was classed as disabled, she also got Attendance Allowance as well.
    I used the tell us once service & it still didn’t stop some overpayments being paid but that was only £200 or so.

    What I really don’t get is the relevance of the year 2003 & the value of her bungalow then? No equivalent bungalow sold that year but house prices were well below the prices they are selling for now. It’s not great to think we could be in for a huge wait. Although they seemed to indicate they were now only interested in the last year of her life.
     
  15. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,112
    Female
    East Midlands
    It’s not been easy dealing with the executor - he seems to have his own ideas about stuff. He sends me the letters so I can see what is going on but I’m not sure he completely understands everything. The bank was meant to send the statements to the DWP & they haven’t & we really don’t want to drag this out.
     
  16. sausagedog

    sausagedog Registered User

    Aug 22, 2019
    47

    I can well understand together with your frustrations with it all - I do hope he acts ASAP & chases the bank - sooner the better
     
  17. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,112
    Female
    East Midlands
    It’s not just me as there are other beneficiaries in the Will too & no one will get anything else until it is sorted. I have heard all sorts of horror stories that it takes a year to sort it all out which is just awful.
     
  18. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    19,277
    Male
    North Manchester
  19. sausagedog

    sausagedog Registered User

    Aug 22, 2019
    47

    It’s a shame he didn’t ‘stand down’ from his Executor role in the beginning if he’s so incompetent and let a Solicitor handle the whole thing - expensive yes but sometimes the easier option - oh well, fingers crossed
     
  20. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    4,407
    Yorkshire
    Oh dear - so sorry to read of these further trials and problems.
    Hoping it will get sorted before too long.

    Glad you have your house now, anyway. xx
     

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