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Moving Mum to a nursing home - advice needed

Butterflyeffect

New member
Nov 28, 2020
4
0
Hello,

I’m brand new here. My mum was diagnosed with unspecified dementia in the first week of lockdown, in March 2020. Due to the lockdown, we didn’t receive any support or advice with how to manage with this bombshell. Fast forward a few months, and Mum has now been diagnosed with Advanced Alzheimer’s.
I arranged for home carers to visit mum, as unfortunately my dad just cannot cope with what’s going on. Mum can’t tolerate the carers, and kicks them out. Social services have become involved, and during a best interests meeting, it was decided that her needs would be best met in a nursing home.
I am at peace with this, because it’s clear Mum can’t stay at home any longer.
Due to COVID, I can only take my mum to the reception area of the nursing home. I have absolutely no idea what I am going to say to her, as to why she’s going there. I’m taking her on Monday

Please, please - if anyone can help me I’d be so grateful. This is destroying me and I’m feeling crippled with the pressure and responsibility.
Thank you so much in advance for any help.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
586
0
I had to do this for my mother in April. Yes you wonder if you are doing the right thing. But if you agree, as seems to be the case, that a nursing home is the best thing for her, you should have a clear conscience. It will be difficult to explain it to your mum. You might emphasise that she is going there to get more looking after than is possible at home.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,435
0
Kent
Hello @Butterflyeffect

I told my husband he was going to a convalescent home to build up his strength. I said it was doctor`s orders. He accepted this and thereafter the onus was on the doctor so no blame was directed towards me.

I`m glad you and your dad are at peace about the decision for a care home and hope your mum settles.
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
2,742
0
Hello @Butterflyeffect and welcome, you'll find lots of support here from others who have been in the same position. In terms of taking mum to the home, I found it best not to discuss it too much in advance. I said something along the lines of that she was going somewhere nice for a while to get a bit better, as per the doctor. It will be difficult just dropping her off at reception but the home will be used to this and will have various techniques that they use, such as taking your mum off for some tea and cake as soon as she arrives. If you have time on Monday it may be worth giving the home a call before you set off and letting them know what you have said to your her about the stay, and also see what they suggest in terms of when you arrive. I hope it all goes as smoothly as it can for you.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,126
0
Hello @Butterflyeffect . I'm sorry. This is a very hard thing to do. Best not to mention that this is a permanent thing, just somewhere for your mum to rest and get better for a while. As mentioned, make it something the doctor has recommended so that you are not the bad guy. Convalescent home or rest home are good phrases to use, as suggested, and seem more palatable than nursing or care home. After three years, I still tell my mum that she's not been very well and is here to be properly looked after for a while - all your meals cooked for you, all your tea, coffee and biscuits included, laundry and cleaning done - so you don't have to worry about anything

Keep posting for advice and support. This is difficult stuff but lots of us out here who have been through it too and can help you along.
 

Butterflyeffect

New member
Nov 28, 2020
4
0
Hi,

Thanks for the responses so far. Mum gets extremely agitated if anyone mentions that she’s ‘unwell’, or ‘needs help’. If anyone unfamiliar tries to talk to her, particularly about trying to help, she becomes aggressive.

I was wondering about even telling her something like the kitchen had flooded, and she has to stay at the nursing home (I would call it a hotel maybe), until the home repairs are finished. But I’m not sure if this is a good idea

Im not going to take my Dad tomorrow, as he won’t cope with it. I’m absolutely broken. I’m 3 months pregnant too, and feeling worried about the stress on the baby.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,379
0
South coast
I would agree with not telling her that it is permanent and that it is is something that the doctor had arranged. She will not be able to understand the reality of her situation and if you try and explain the real reasons she is likely to get upset and/or angry and refuse to go.

I would tell her on the day and present it to her as if you have previously talked about it and she had agreed. She is likely to pick up on your emotions, so try and project a breezy Its-all-going-to-be-fine attitude (I know you wont be feeling this inside). If she wants you to come in with her, suddenly discover that you need to get something in the car and tell her to go on in ahead. Its best not to let her see you packing as this will make her anxious, so I would recommend that you dropped her off, then came back and did the packing which you can drop off again a bit later. If this is not possible, try and pack when she cant see you and hide the suitcase in the boot the day before. Make sure you label everything so that all her clothes etc get back to her. Most care home offices have a sad collection of items that they have no idea who they belong to.
 

Ann19

New member
Nov 21, 2017
5
0
Hello,

I’m brand new here. My mum was diagnosed with unspecified dementia in the first week of lockdown, in March 2020. Due to the lockdown, we didn’t receive any support or advice with how to manage with this bombshell. Fast forward a few months, and Mum has now been diagnosed with Advanced Alzheimer’s.
I arranged for home carers to visit mum, as unfortunately my dad just cannot cope with what’s going on. Mum can’t tolerate the carers, and kicks them out. Social services have become involved, and during a best interests meeting, it was decided that her needs would be best met in a nursing home.
I am at peace with this, because it’s clear Mum can’t stay at home any longer.
Due to COVID, I can only take my mum to the reception area of the nursing home. I have absolutely no idea what I am going to say to her, as to why she’s going there. I’m taking her on Monday

Please, please - if anyone can help me I’d be so grateful. This is destroying me and I’m feeling crippled with the pressure and responsibility.
Thank you so much in advance for any help.
Hi,

Thanks for the responses so far. Mum gets extremely agitated if anyone mentions that she’s ‘unwell’, or ‘needs help’. If anyone unfamiliar tries to talk to her, particularly about trying to help, she becomes aggressive.

I was wondering about even telling her something like the kitchen had flooded, and she has to stay at the nursing home (I would call it a hotel maybe), until the home repairs are finished. But I’m not sure if this is a good idea

Im not going to take my Dad tomorrow, as he won’t cope with it. I’m absolutely broken. I’m 3 months pregnant too, and feeling worried about the stress on the baby.
Hi I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I’m in exactly the same position as you and have been lying awake at night worrying about the moment I hand my mum over to the home. It’s the must gut wrenching situation but we must remind ourselves that ultimately it’s for the best. Good luck and let us know how you get on. X
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,379
0
South coast
Hi,

Thanks for the responses so far. Mum gets extremely agitated if anyone mentions that she’s ‘unwell’, or ‘needs help’. If anyone unfamiliar tries to talk to her, particularly about trying to help, she becomes aggressive.

I was wondering about even telling her something like the kitchen had flooded, and she has to stay at the nursing home (I would call it a hotel maybe), until the home repairs are finished. But I’m not sure if this is a good idea

Im not going to take my Dad tomorrow, as he won’t cope with it. I’m absolutely broken. I’m 3 months pregnant too, and feeling worried about the stress on the baby.
Crossed posts. Yes, If your mum will accept a problem in the house , then go for that. You could also say there was a problem with the heating, so the house is cold and she needs a new boiler, or something like that.

The idea is to tell her something that she can accept and will not distress her. Not aking your dad sounds like a good idea
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,126
0
Hi,

Thanks for the responses so far. Mum gets extremely agitated if anyone mentions that she’s ‘unwell’, or ‘needs help’. If anyone unfamiliar tries to talk to her, particularly about trying to help, she becomes aggressive.

I was wondering about even telling her something like the kitchen had flooded, and she has to stay at the nursing home (I would call it a hotel maybe), until the home repairs are finished. But I’m not sure if this is a good idea

Im not going to take my Dad tomorrow, as he won’t cope with it. I’m absolutely broken. I’m 3 months pregnant too, and feeling worried about the stress on the baby.

Yes, best to tell your mum what you think will be accepted with the least fuss. You might want to take your mum's belongings beforehand if possible or afterwards, as @canary suggests. The care home staff may have suggestions to make it easier if you could speak to them today. They will be used to this.

Is there anyone else who can take your mum?
 

Butterflyeffect

New member
Nov 28, 2020
4
0
My sister who lives 200 miles away is coming up to take Mum with me. Leaving her at reception is going to be the hardest bit I think, as we aren’t allowed in the home. My in-laws are going to stay with my Dad when we take Mum.

Thank you for the tip about taking mum, and then going home to pack. I think that is probably a very good idea. Mum has become obsessed with her clothes over the last few months, and ‘checks’ on them throughout the day (looking at them, touching them) so I can’t pack them yet.

This has all happened so quickly. At the beginning of the year, she didn’t even have a diagnosis. And now she has advanced Alzheimer’s and is going into a home. I can’t get my head around it.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,363
0
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Ann19 , . This is a really supportive form and you’ll get lots of help and advice here.
The advice given to @Butterflyeffect is the way to go, hard though it is, and even harder at the moment due to covid restrictions.
I really couldn't see how I was going to move mum into care as she was deeply in denial that she had a problem. She had agreed that she would move to another flat near my brother. The wanting to move was an example of how her dementia made her feel unsafe in her own home. She was convinced the neighbours were committing hate crimes against her, had moved in, and were stealing her belongings.
When the flat was under offer, we told her there was a problem matching up the sale and purchase and that as there as building work going on to the outside of her block of flats she was going to stay near me for a bit. The staff at the care home were great. They took off their badges and cracked open the prosecco so she thought she was in a hotel. I'd go for whatever you think she'll understand. If she has seen the doctor recently the 'you need a little break to build up your strength on doctor's orders' is a good one.
The whole thing is not easy but you'll find loads of people here to help you through it.
 
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canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,379
0
South coast
Leaving her at reception is going to be the hardest bit I think, as we aren’t allowed in the home.
Yes, it will be hard. Just suddenly remember that you need something in the car and make your escape. Dont worry about saying goodbye to her - it sounds mean, but I never did say goodbye to mum even when I visited (pre covid) as this would be a trigger point for her getting upset. I would say I needed to talk to someone, or that I needed the loo (any excuse) and just left.

Make sure you arrange for something nice for yourself afterwards as its quite emotionally traumatic.
xx
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,307
0
North West
Hi @Butterflyeffect

I'm sorry your in this postion and it is as you say gut wrenching. Its not an easy thing to do and feeling the way you do is normal I think for many of us. My mum was similar with her clothes and I couldn't pack any of them until after I had take her to the home, so don't worry too much about that just now.

On the day I told mum we were going for a drive and stop somewhere for a coffee, everyone has their own way of dealing with this -my mum loved going out for a drive so I used that.

Take a deep breath and go with it tomorrow. It might be best if your sister is going with you to let her take over if your finding it difficult -or whichever one of you on the day feels more able.

When I took mum, by the time I had signed the paperwork she was off chatting to other residents and thought she was in a hotel, she went for lunch at which point I left.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
400
0
Hello @Butterflyeffect
Last Monday 23/11/20 I had the unenviable job of taking my dad to a Care Home it was gut wrenching and I am still thinking was it the right thing to do but for lots of reasons it was but it is hurting like hell. My dad lived alone since our mum passed away in August 2016 and as hard as my sister and I try we don't feel any other options to help dad further. My dad has Mixed Dementia officially diagnosed in early 2018 but obvious signs before that. Dad had carers coming in four times daily as a hospital admission in 2017 meant he had to have a permanent catheter fitted and as time went on lost bowel control too. My sister and I supported dad on a daily basis alongside carer service but like your mum our dad became resistant to carers which turned into verbal aggression and of late raising of his hand/fist although he hadn't actually struck them. Dads Care Company wanted to give 28 days notice in September but were persuaded by Crisis Team to try a bit longer and they tried to advise better methods of dealing with dad but to be honest very little to help the Care Company. The carers had been coming into dad for at least three years so it was with their deep regret they gave 28 days notice so their services were due to finish on Monday bedtime call last week. I managed to collect some of dads clothes label them and pack a suitcase from my home even got his shoes and labelled them night before. My sister cooked dad his usual breakfast and told dad after breakfast his GP had wanted him to go somewhere for a short time to get some extra care and to be safe from virus not that dad has taken notice of what has been going on with virus but he respects GP. The journey which I made with dad was fraught sister didn't come and dad got anxious quite quickly so be prepared, not much better on arrival at Care Home as dad resisted getting out of car. The staff in reception were good as it was two nurses were there and gradually edged dad forward chatting to him which helped him relax talked about him having some cake and tea and his days in navy etc. Nurse did ask dad to give me a hug which after saying NO he did I struggled to hold back tears and couldn't look dad in the eye I didn't say goodbye but we just let go and he followed the nurses in. After dad went through I got his case from my car he never did see it. At the moment ASC have deemed this is a two week Respite Care so they can assess dad as they were unable to get another Care Company in for when the 28 days had finished but its unlikely dad will return home due to the issues he was having accepting the personnel care he needs and concerns for his safety living alone. My sister and I are gutted we miss him so much and because of Covid were unable to go into the Care Home to look around. It will be very, very hard tomorrow and I wish I could say otherwise but I wish you strength to do what needs to be done. Social worker has done a video call with dad and is hoping to go into the Care Home tomorrow to see dad, she will hopefully see him or do another video call after that and at some point advise us to what is best for dad long term.