Moving into Nursing Home

[Lawrie]

I have finally arrived at a point where I feel it would be best for dad and also for the sanity of the rest of us to move him into a care home. Is probably the hardest decision of my life. How am I going to tell him,what's the best approach, should I not tell him directly? What have other people done in this situation? Any support gratefully received.

 

[Witzend]

I have finally arrived at a point where I feel it would be best for dad and also for the sanity of the rest of us to move him into a care home. Is probably the hardest decision of my life. How am I going to tell him,what's the best approach, should I not tell him directly? What have other people done in this situation? Any support gratefully received.

I know it sounds drastic, but when we reached this point with my mother we simply* arranged it all without even mentioning it to her. There would have been no point - although she was very bad by then and quite unsafe to be left alone at all, as far as she was concerned there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. She would simply have refused to go.
I am afraid we had to use deception to get her there - it was all planned like a military operation. And I won't pretend it was nice or easy - we were all absolutely dreading it, but by then it was the only way.

*not that there was anything simple about it. Finding the right care home took an awful lot of looking, as it usually does, unless you're very lucky.

 

[FifiMo]

I agree with Witzend. There are lots of things that you can say, from it is a short stay or holiday through to they are doing work near his home that means there would be no electricity so he will have to move out for a few days. Whatever you do I would not mention things like care home or that it is permanent and just deal with things in stages. We didn't mention a home to my mother at all, but what was interesting was not even a week later we asked if she was liking her 'hotel' and her response was one of shock that we should be asking such a stupid question when she had lived there for years! At the end of the day, you know your dad better than anyone so you will be able to choose an approach that suits him.

Fiona

 

[Lawrie]

I know it sounds drastic, but when we reached this point with my mother we simply* arranged it all without even mentioning it to her. There would have been no point - although she was very bad by then and quite unsafe to be left alone at all, as far as she was concerned there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. She would simply have refused to go.
I am afraid we had to use deception to get her there - it was all planned like a military operation. And I won't pretend it was nice or easy - we were all absolutely dreading it, but by then it was the only way.

*not that there was anything simple about it. Finding the right care home took an awful lot of looking, as it usually does, unless you're very lucky.

Thank you so much, that was what I was thinking but feeling bad about, glad to know you had to use a little deception too.

 

[Lawrie]

I agree with Witzend. There are lots of things that you can say, from it is a short stay or holiday through to they are doing work near his home that means there would be no electricity so he will have to move out for a few days. Whatever you do I would not mention things like care home or that it is permanent and just deal with things in stages. We didn't mention a home to my mother at all, but what was interesting was not even a week later we asked if she was liking her 'hotel' and her response was one of shock that we should be asking such a stupid question when she had lived there for years! At the end of the day, you know your dad better than anyone so you will be able to choose an approach that suits him.

Fiona

Thanks Fiona, amazing what we can think up when we have to! Some of your ideas will be very useful.

Jane

 

[ncdetchon]

I recently had to put my Mum into a Nursing Home and I think the use of little white lies is perfectly acceptable. You should do whatever you need to do to smooth the journey along. 6 weeks in we are still maintaining these little deceptions and we don't talk about it being forever.

It's one of the hardest things you will ever do and it knocks you are your family for six. So, amidst taking care of your Dad and everyone else, make a very conscious decision to look after yourself.

This is a marathon not a sprint and you need to keep well.

The Nursing/care home phase will take a lot out of you so share the load if you can and use little white lies to ease them in!

Good luck!
Xxxx

 

[Witzend]

Thank you so much, that was what I was thinking but feeling bad about, glad to know you had to use a little deception too.

I should have added that we had cooperation from the GP. He prescribed Valium to make her more tractable on the day. I'm not sure how we'd have managed without it, since by then it was nearly impossible to get her out of the house at all, and if we ever did she'd be fretting to go home by the time we were half a mile down the road. But thank heaven the Valium did work.

All the best - it's such a terribly difficult and worrying time, especially with your poor dad so ill on top of the dementia. Do let us know how you get on.

 

[elizabet]

I posted a similar question in April . Had to use little white lies - invitation to go for Fish and chip lunch as the social workers and doctors needed to look after her legs - bad leg ulcers at the time -
Now, 4 months on she is so much better physically legs healed , mobility improved , and likes her hotel, or sometimes it is a hospital. It was very traumatic for me at the time and I hated being economical with the truth but so far it is the best thing I did as she is thriving -also there are folks around whereas she was all by herself and could not manage in her big damp house. I also have peace of mind that she is safe .
It is a hard decision to make for a daughter or son.
regarding care homes I turned up unannounced at different times of the day to view 4 and it was interesting to see the variety of welcomes I received -
Keep strong ,
Elizabet.

 

[Tigers15]

When i took my dad from hospital to his nursing home I told him we were going for a drive. I did have a courtesy car at the time which was a very nice car indeed so I used that too as dad kept commenting that it was a long way to the garage down the road!!!! I said 'Dad. I've got this lovely car for the day it would seem a shame not to make the most of it, lets enjoy the drive'. this worked, but had to be said several times as dad would forget that we had already had the conversation a number of times.

When we arrived he knew immediately that it was 'a home'. Oh Oh I thought, will I be able to get him out of the car and into the home? He came without a problem and when inside he said 'I know why you've brought me here'. I gulped waiting for the torrent of verbals, however they didn't come. He then said 'you have brought me here to look at for when I retire'. (My dad was 87 at this time)

We settled him with a pint of guinness and I was able to take my leave when he asked how is friend Trudy was - I said that I would go and find out.

It took a few months for dad to settle - the home staff had their work cut out, but with patience and friendliness things are now much better. He is physically more healthy and he is eating and drinking well (he wasn't eating or drinking at all which is why he ended up in hospital).

To help the staff at the home my daughter produced a person centred profile of her grandpa (my dad). His like and dislikes, his hobbies, his relationship with his family, who his friends are, etc. - of course not forgetting to mention that he likes his guinness or a tot of whisky. She included a photo of him from his rugby playing days, a photo of him with his medals and photos of his close family.

Hope this helps.

 

[Lawrie]

When i took my dad from hospital to his nursing home I told him we were going for a drive. I did have a courtesy car at the time which was a very nice car indeed so I used that too as dad kept commenting that it was a long way to the garage down the road!!!! I said 'Dad. I've got this lovely car for the day it would seem a shame not to make the most of it, lets enjoy the drive'. this worked, but had to be said several times as dad would forget that we had already had the conversation a number of times.

When we arrived he knew immediately that it was 'a home'. Oh Oh I thought, will I be able to get him out of the car and into the home? He came without a problem and when inside he said 'I know why you've brought me here'. I gulped waiting for the torrent of verbals, however they didn't come. He then said 'you have brought me here to look at for when I retire'. (My dad was 87 at this time)

We settled him with a pint of guinness and I was able to take my leave when he asked how is friend Trudy was - I said that I would go and find out.

It took a few months for dad to settle - the home staff had their work cut out, but with patience and friendliness things are now much better. He is physically more healthy and he is eating and drinking well (he wasn't eating or drinking at all which is why he ended up in hospital).

To help the staff at the home my daughter produced a person centred profile of her grandpa (my dad). His like and dislikes, his hobbies, his relationship with his family, who his friends are, etc. - of course not forgetting to mention that he likes his guinness or a tot of whisky. She included a photo of him from his rugby playing days, a photo of him with his medals and photos of his close family.

Hope this helps.

It certainly does. I told dad today that his live in carer has to go home for a while this weekend to see her family and so on Friday next we will be taking him to a nice "hotel" for a short break! Keeping it simple as possible and not saying too much at the moment. Keep your fingers crossed for me, I will be dreading Friday and just hoping we can get him there without too much fuss.

 

[Lawrie]

I recently had to put my Mum into a Nursing Home and I think the use of little white lies is perfectly acceptable. You should do whatever you need to do to smooth the journey along. 6 weeks in we are still maintaining these little deceptions and we don't talk about it being forever.

It's one of the hardest things you will ever do and it knocks you are your family for six. So, amidst taking care of your Dad and everyone else, make a very conscious decision to look after yourself.

This is a marathon not a sprint and you need to keep well.

The Nursing/care home phase will take a lot out of you so share the load if you can and use little white lies to ease them in!

Good luck!
Xxxx

Thank you