1. Lady M

    Lady M Registered User

    Sep 15, 2018
    284
    Female
    Essex
    Oh my goodness, how my heart is breaking with you and for you!!!!!
    Please try to get some peace knowing that OH is probably as content as can be........
    I can only suggest think of it as you would if he had been admitted to hospital!!!
    Shed your tears.......grieve for your life together....but know your brave and strong and will carry on.....
    Sending love and support
    Today is another day and you will carry on for him!!!

    I have this dilemma facing me......... sooner probably than later....... !
     
  2. elvismad

    elvismad Registered User

    Jan 8, 2012
    289
    I can only echo Lady M comments and send hugs and understanding. I felt bereft when I took mum to her home but the sensible voice in me reminds me that it was the best decision we could make for her. When I forget that and have a bad day the lovely people on this forum remind me.
     
  3. Dosey

    Dosey Registered User

    Nov 27, 2017
    97
    Thanks Alice
    Woke up can't get back to sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see Jackie (husband) sitting on the chair in the care home looking lost. Can't believe he is not beside me. Opened the iPad and picture of Jackie, Mark and wee jack on screensaver. Set me off again. Will this get any easier. This feeling is worse than a death. Don't know how I will get through today. Manager of care home phoning me later to give me update.
    Rose x
     
  4. Dosey

    Dosey Registered User

    Nov 27, 2017
    97
    Thanks Lady M
    Yes that's the advice I have been given by a few friends. Think of Jackie being in hospital and you can go and visit. Once I see him and how he is really settling in I think I will feel better.
    He had deteriorated so much and n the last few months. Spoke very little and when he tried the word were mumble gumbo making no sense.
    Hardest thing was on Sunday driving home in the car from caravan ( he sleeps most of the time in the car) he woke up touched my arm and said "you know I love you" clear as day. This made me so sad knowing we were going home to prepare for moving him into care.
    It's a terribly cruel journey we all face in this awful disease.
    Rose x
     
  5. Dosey

    Dosey Registered User

    Nov 27, 2017
    97
    Thanks elvismad
    That's good advice
    I have been reassured by all professionals involved that it will get easier and it's the best for both of us.
    Hopefully once he settles in, we can have quality time together, instead of 24/7 struggling with the caring role draining us both.
    Yes the forum is a great place for support and advice.
    Rose x
     
  6. Lady M

    Lady M Registered User

    Sep 15, 2018
    284
    Female
    Essex
    Hang on to those words!......
    He loves you! And of course he must know you love him
    Today is another day....
    Remember, it’s all for love
    Take care...x
     
  7. Rosebush

    Rosebush Registered User

    Apr 2, 2018
    1,474
    hi Rose, we had to give our caravan up in Great Yarmouth 3 years ago when OH started to get worse, going into the owners lounge became really uncomfortable as some people didn't understand and also OH was finding the driving a struggle (I don't drive). OH is now in a care home, I feel guilty every day, but I know it is better for both of us as he has got so much worse. Take care Rose, you are not alone. Lx
     
  8. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,284
    Female
    South coast
    It is petty normal to feel rubbish at this stage @Dosey
    Your head knows that it is the right thing for both of you, but your heart hasnt yet caught up.

    When you go and visit him please remember that people with dementia are very good at picking up body language. My mums moods used to mirror mine, so if I was in a good mood then she would be, but if I was upset she would become upset too. You really dont want to get your husband upset when you visit, so you will probably have to fake your feelings and not let him realise how you feel.

    Staple a bright smile to you face and go in with a bright Isnt-This-All-Very-Nice attitude, Be very upbeat about everything and dont stay too long. If you cant maintain the facade, or your husband starts to get upset then say you need the loo and disappear for a while. Once again, dont say goodbye (I just used to tell mum I had something to do and would see her later)
     
  9. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,183
    You have been through such a time, Dosey. All my sympathy. My situation was fairly similar, my OH would prowl round the house looking for something to destroy and I was sole carer for four years, the last two of which were appalling.
    I understand you feel the guilt. I call mine grief because grief is normal and will pass, or at least get lighter to live with.
    Nursing homes can be loving, caring wonderful places. I think my OH is happier there than he was at home with just me. And of course it will take a time to get used to for all of you. My OH got his old loving personality back when he got to the home and I live for my visits there. So good things are possible. My enjoyment even comes from being an official volunteer at his nursing home so I am one of the team and trusted and encouraged. No, I didn't see my life going this way either. None of us do. You could not look after him at home any more than I could. Somethings become impossible and we have to look for what is possible. All my thoughts and sympathy, the awful pain of this time will pass, things will settle. Kindred.
     
  10. Dosey

    Dosey Registered User

    Nov 27, 2017
    97
    Thanks Kindred
    Got good reports from social worker and care manager this morning. He slept well got his pjs on not done that for 6 months. Had a bath and a shave said it was great. Thought I felt a bit better. Just sat down and the tears are flooding again. Feeling I have let him down, want him back home, feel I have made a mistake. Don't know what to do. My 4 sons are broken hearted and their wife's. can't see us ever getting through this. Just want to go and hold him and tell him am sorry. He is only 62 next week. This shouldn't be happening to us or anyone Rose x
     
  11. Dosey

    Dosey Registered User

    Nov 27, 2017
    97
    Thanks for your kind words x
    thanks canery
    Have agreed to stay away for a week. Can phone anytime. Will discuss on Friday with CH manager if my sons Andrew and Graeme can visit over weekend. They are distraught. John and Mark done the admission with me. Don't want to unsettle him. My head is thumping my heart is breaking. Never felt so sad.
    Rose x
     
  12. Dosey

    Dosey Registered User

    Nov 27, 2017
    97
    Hi Rosebud
    We bought caravan a year after OH diagnosis. He had to give up driving but I drive too. Had the caravan at Craig Tara nearly 6 years. Made lots of friends and made great memories. Will be keeping it as I have retired last august due to ill health and looking after OH. Don't get state pension until 66 am 61 now. Have my private pension that will keep me going until then. My 6 grandchildren can come to the caravan. They used to come with parents while we were there, but last year we came home when they went as OH didn't want anyone around me.
    So sorry you had to give yours up.
    Rose x
     
  13. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,183
    Rose, this will settle. Sweetheart, such early days. You will get through this as the wonderful family team you obviously are. I have been going to my husbands nursing home most days for over a year now, and I see other families go through this, and then after a few weeks, they begin to find what I can only call a more peaceful acceptance. It is bound to be so emotionally turbulent for you at the moment. Oh my dear, I know, he is so young for this and so, I imagine, are you. This is a very hard time, but it will get better, you have done the right thing, you will be able to visit him and be a wife again, not be afraid as we usually are when we are caring at home. All my sympathy, Rose, this will get better. Thank you for replying to me. with love, Geraldinexxx(kindred)
     
  14. Dosey

    Dosey Registered User

    Nov 27, 2017
    97
    Thank you so so much to everyone for their kind words and support.
    Going to make a cuppa and try and dry my tears before family pop in after work.
    We are all in the same position some further along the journey than others. It great to get support on here when you feel so lost and lonely
    Rose xx
     
  15. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,362
    Hope you get a better night, Rose. Sometime write yourself a letter with all the positive reasons that make it essential to have your husband in care. Just as a reminder when there is a dark day.
    It is so hard but true love often makes us do things because it is in the others best interest, however difficult it is on our selves. Nothing happening now will take away what you have always been and are to each other.
    I hope I am as brave as you. Alice x
     
  16. Rosebush

    Rosebush Registered User

    Apr 2, 2018
    1,474
    Hi Rose, so glad you can keep your caravan:p where is Craig Tara?.
    I'm going to visit OH tomorrow, I usually stay about 3 hours, but will have to leave earlier tomorrow for a hospital appointment. I only go once a week as it is not on a bus route, sometimes I go in the evening with my daughter, but to be honest I don't think he remembers we have been. Hope you are feeling better, take care. Lx
     
  17. Dosey

    Dosey Registered User

    Nov 27, 2017
    97
    Hi Rosebush
    It's in Ayrshire Scotland , Haven site.
    The home is only 20 minutes drive for me from home. Not sure how I will visit. Will work that out once he's settled. All my 4 sons live near me, and of them and their wife's drive. So someone can visit everyday if that's not to much for OH.
    Have been advised to stay away for a few days to let him settle.
    Still crying on and off, hopefully each day will get easier.
    Hope you have a good visit
    Rose x
     
  18. Dosey

    Dosey Registered User

    Nov 27, 2017
    97
    Thanks Alice
    I don't feel brave I feel broken.
    I will try writing things down. Hopefully get a good night sleep tonight. House feels so empty.
    Hope this crying stops soon.
    Take care
    Rose x
     
  19. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,362
    Xxx
     
  20. Rosebush

    Rosebush Registered User

    Apr 2, 2018
    1,474
    HiRose, hope you feel better today;) Lx
     

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