Moving in with Mother in Law

TCG

New member
Aug 12, 2019
1
0
Dear Forum

I would like to seek some advice on a situation we as a family have found ourselves in. My girlfriends father recently passed away and the week afterwards, her mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers. She is at a stage where she does not need any personal care. She does get in a muddle easily and things like turning on the TV are borderline ok (she can turn it on just not every time). She stopped driving 18 months ago and so needs help with getting shopping and going to the doctors etc. She can walk about the house, but not to the shops as she can trip and fall quite easily.

We have moved in with her (in her house) as a temporary arrangement, to help get her though this difficult time and sort out paperwork relating to my GF's father. However, my girlfriend and her mother really want to move in as a more permanent thing.

I realise that I may be asking questions that only I can answer, but I would appreciate a bit of perspective where possible, as it can be very difficult to discuss everything with the girls.

I feel the whole point of us moving in with MIL would be to become her carer. Although we are not at a stage where any physical care is required, we are having to adjust our lives to suit hers completely. It feels like we are bringing a third person into the relationship, as we will have to consider her in absolutely everything we do.

I would never want to stop my GF from supporting her mother, but I don't want our relationship to fail because we are giving up everything for MIL. I just can't see how we can go forward without making tremendous sacrifices and I am not sure if I am prepared to make those sacrifices. My girlfriend is willing, but does not want to loose me either.

Any thoughts would be very much appreciated.

Many thanks
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Hello @TCG and welcome to DTP.

I think you have been placed in a very difficult position and , TBH, my feeling is that all your thoughts are spot on.
If you and your GF move in with her mother permanently you will indeed become her carers and will be seen as this by medical staff, Social Services etc. Caring for someone with dementia is not easy and because of the progressive nature of the disease will become harder as more care is required. I look after my OH full-time and I have found that everything revolves around him and his needs. I am constantly sorting out appointments, dealing with showering him, administering medication as well as all the things he used to be able to do like gardening, DIY and even just changing a light bulb. I frequently say that if I dont do something, it doesnt get done. We are unable to go on holiday now and I am unable to leave him alone for more than a few hours

Is your GF aware of the changes that happen as dementia progresses? How would she cope with refusal to wash/change clothes, nasty untrue comments, aggression and incontinence? Dementia isnt just a sweet little old lady who is getting forgetful. I think it is a good idea for both of you to sit down and discuss openly what you would be dealing with and how you both feel about it. Your GF may be doing this simply because it is her mum and she feels responsible for her, without understanding what this sort of undertaking involves.
 

Feistywoman

Registered User
Aug 11, 2018
108
0
Hi @TCG

I think you both really need to consider the enormous undertaking a permanent move would be.

I care for my Mum but do not live with her so can’t speak personally. My OH and I have a very strong relationship yet it has been tested hugely over the last few months with the strain of caring for a PWD and the enormous emotional toll it takes on the family. This is something the beforehand I would never have considered so please, you and your GF and her Mum need to have very open and honest dialogue about this, best of luck!
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,839
0
Hello @TCG and welcome to DTP.

I think you have been placed in a very difficult position and , TBH, my feeling is that all your thoughts are spot on.
If you and your GF move in with her mother permanently you will indeed become her carers and will be seen as this by medical staff, Social Services etc. Caring for someone with dementia is not easy and because of the progressive nature of the disease will become harder as more care is required. I look after my OH full-time and I have found that everything revolves around him and his needs. I am constantly sorting out appointments, dealing with showering him, administering medication as well as all the things he used to be able to do like gardening, DIY and even just changing a light bulb. I frequently say that if I dont do something, it doesnt get done. We are unable to go on holiday now and I am unable to leave him alone for more than a few hours

Is your GF aware of the changes that happen as dementia progresses? How would she cope with refusal to wash/change clothes, nasty untrue comments, aggression and incontinence? Dementia isnt just a sweet little old lady who is getting forgetful. I think it is a good idea for both of you to sit down and discuss openly what you would be dealing with and how you both feel about it. Your GF may be doing this simply because it is her mum and she feels responsible for her, without understanding what this sort of undertaking involves.

I agree. My mother-in-law had a personality disorder most of her adult life which eventually developed into dementia . My husband and I were familiar with many of the behaviours which were similar to dementia before the dementia diagnosis. She was living on her own and we made the decision years ago, we would never live with her or be carers under any circumstances. I'm so glad we did. She had carers 3 times a day for 3 years before she had to go into care .

She was aggressive, incontinent, could not be left on her own . She refused personal care for 3 years. In spite of her mobility problems, she would wander out and fall in the garden . Everything revolved around meeting her needs with the care agency. She couldn't manage money, making a meal, remember appointments, taking medication . In the end she just couldn't be left even with carers . She would be up at night, ringing us, disrupting the household when we needed to be at work next day. She went into care last year . Please think very carefully about this and don't put your lives on hold for her. No one has a legal obligation to care for her
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
530
0
outside UK
My MIL lives with myself and my husband for 7 years but was diagnosed in 2016. If I knew then what I know now, would we moved her with us, if I'm honest I would probably say no. It does put you under strain and you need to be very open with each other and discuss this before you make a decision. Dementia puts you, your relationship, your life and family relationships in very difficult positions and has for me, affected my own well being and it will only get harder. Think carefully before you decide.
 

RosettaT

Registered User
Sep 9, 2018
866
0
Mid Lincs
Caring for a PWD (person with dementia) isn't just the physical side of helping to wash & dress someone. As mentioned there can be aggression, nasty comments a me me me attitude, irrational thinking that can't be changed with barrow loads of reasoning, in fact there is no reasoning. Your lives will end up being completely changed. You don't say how old MiL is but it could go on for years and years. Please think carefully and perhaps read just a few random threads on this forum to get a picture of what some deal with day in day out.
 

jaymor

Registered User
Jul 14, 2006
15,604
0
South Staffordshire
My husband had Alzheimer's for 11 years. I was his wife and I cared for him as any wife would. Should I get it I have no partner and would I want either of my children to dedicate their life to caring for me with all that entails. It’s a very definite NO. Once my husband went into care after 7 years at home I really wondered how either of us had survived the experience.

He was diagnosed at 62 so we lost our retirement but we had had a good marriage and some time to holiday etc with both children grown up and off our hands. Caring starts as just watching to make sure everything is ok and turns into a 24 hours a day 375 days a year where you can’t spend one moment thinking about yourself.

Get MIL all the help you can, re cleaners, Gardener etc with daily Carers coming in for set times during the day, building up as and when needed until full time care becomes necessary in a care home. No one knows for how long you will need to care so please think very carefully before you commit yourself to caring.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
7,342
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Nottinghamshire
Welcome from me too @TCG

I took the decision that my dad wasn’t going to move in with me and my kids not only because the house was unsuitable for him but also because I wasn’t willing to have to live our lives on his terms. This was before he got dementia. I’m glad I made this decision. He drove me nuts at times caring for him in his own bungalow - but at least I could go home and sleep at night when dad was sleeping all day and active, and noisy, all night.

And when the incontinence struck I could get away from the aroma of badly maintained public toilet which no amount of cleaning removed from his home.

You don’t say how far you live from your GFs mother, I lived close to my dad so it was easy to see him everyday and arrange for carers and keep a check on them. I managed to support dad and keep some semblance of a life of my own when I had the energy.

Supporting someone with dementia is exhausting but I imagine living with them is suffocating and needs to be given serious consideration. As jaymor says find the care she needs and a carehome when that becomes necessary. This could go on for years..
 

Canadian Joanne

Registered User
Apr 8, 2005
17,710
0
70
Toronto, Canada
I agree with the above replies. Would it be at all possible to move as close to your MIL as you can, without actually moving in? That way, you would be at hand for any crises/ emergencies but at least still have your own space.
 

arielsmelody

Registered User
Jul 16, 2015
515
0
I've never done it, but I agree with the other posters that it would be a huge step in terms of caring and you and your gfs relationship.

The other aspect is financial, and how things might work out in the future. You haven't said whether you own a property of your own at the moment, and whether you would keep that or sell? If you are currently renting, and you move into your gfs family home, that probably seems attractive in the short term, but there are posters on here who have moved in with parents, given up their jobs to become carers, but then found that if it becomes too much and the parent has to go into a nursing home, all of a sudden the house has to be sold and they are homeless with very little savings. You would need to go into it with open eyes, and if you aren't paying rent make sure you save that money separately so that it is there if the situation changes.
 

Linbrusco

Registered User
Mar 4, 2013
1,694
0
Auckland...... New Zealand
Im not from the UK, but 11 yrs ago my husband and I had a granny flat built for my parents on our property.
Both in good health at the time.
4 yrs later Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers.
Mum went into care 3 yrs ago.
Now I care for Dad who was diagnosed with Mixed Dementia last year.
It’s the kind of thing that will make you or break you as a couple.
Your relationship and needs or wants will always take second place. Unless you have extended family or friends to support you, or community support to give you time out or respite you will find it extremely difficult.
You and most definitely your partner need to go into it with eyes wide open.
Such is the nature of dementia it can progress quite quickly from minor to major assistance.
 

myss

Registered User
Jan 14, 2018
449
0
Hello @TCG Welcome to the forum. You will find here a good place for information, tips and most importantly insight from those in the same position you are or who were in that position.

I agree with all that's said above, you seem to be thinking ahead and need to make sure your GF is doing the same. As Canary said this is a progressive illness and, although her mum may be just OK now, after a while she is likely to be showing more behaviours than being forgetful.

Everyone here says have sit down talk with her and make her aware, I so agree. I would also start to include the 'what if's' questions too, especially those regarding your own relationship and any internal (other family/close friends) and external caring assistance. I have been looking after my dad with my siblings and some of his grandchildren while he is still at home for the past 4-5 years. Since the care has been much more than we initially thought, we've reluctantly agreed that if the caring gets to a stage where what we do is not good enought, we would then have to seek a suitable care home.

You both also need to think about obtaining a Power of Attorney while her mum has the capacity to understand her position.
 

Glokta

Registered User
Jul 22, 2019
62
0
To put my two pennyworth in, I would avoid living with your mum in law at all costs. For all the reasons above, and for the sake of your relationship. I have been married for 29 years and we are good friends, but looking after my mother has begun to take a serious toll on a relationship which has survived serious illness (including cancer), financial difficulties, and many other stressors. It’s like a living nightmare caring for her, even though I know it’s the illness and not my mum. I am called up to 10-12 times in an hour to answer queries about the same, irrelevant subject (often a garden plant). Sworn at, threatened with violence, told she wishes she never had me, accused of drugging her, accused of poisoning her, of stealing from her, of abusing her. When we go shopping she shouts at me, walks away from me, throws her purse at me (full of small change, of course), is incontinent of urine, throws goods from the shop onto the floor. She monopolises my spare time, and my husband is really upset about this. He wants me to walk away, because it makes me ill and that has a knock on effect to our whole life together. It is incredibly time consuming, even on my recent 3 days in Bridlington I ended up on my mobile trying to sort out medication issues. My advice is do not go there, if you value your sanity!
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
From one who has the bedraggled T shirt. I would have to say don't do it!
Unless/until you've lived with dementia - which can get worse quite quickly - it's very hard or impossible to understand how stressful and exhausting it can be.
I know we didn't have a clue - went into it blithely thinking, 'Just getting a bit more forgetful - how hard can it be?'

That was my FiL, and suffice it to say that when it came to my mother, some years later, I'm afraid there was no way I was moving her in. We supported her as best we could with frequent visits and regular 'sleepovers' at her house - until it was time for a care home.

It's also worth pointing out that if she could not self fund, and you were later dependent on social services for help, they would be more likely to leave you to get on with it, since you would be there on the spot and obviously not going to move out.
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
530
0
outside UK
Its quite ironic really - whilst we have all said be very careful, think hard, and in the main don't do it etc etc - yet we are all carers of PWD - but I would probably think this is not by choice but due to circumstance.
 

Catastrophe

Registered User
Feb 15, 2019
77
0
We moved in with my Dad two years ago when my mum suddenly died. I had at that time no idea of how bad my dad was, or how difficult it would be. I came back from New Zealand for mums funeral and never got to go home again. I lost my home over there, my business and have not been able to see my two eldest sons for two years. Because I had lived in New Zealand for longer than two years, we can not get any financial assistance. So have been living off our savings, which have dwindled to almost nothing. If Dad goes into care now we will be turfed out on the street with no means of supporting ourselves as savings gone. That's just the facts, not a moan.
Dad is mostly difficult to deal with, constantly telling me we don't look after him well enough. That we force him to sit in his chair - totally untrue. Tells everyone we meet that we are trying to get rid of him and have spent all his money. Constantly lives in a fantasy world, but wants me to be around all and I mean all the time. Recently we managed to get him into a day care centre, to give him some interaction and give us a break. He insisted that we sit in the car outside incase he needed to go home. Needless to say that did not happen. I feel very trapped and squashed. We get tantrum after tantrum. If we want to go out for a couple of hours we get tears and mega tantrums, which we do walk away from, but it's hard to enjoy an evening out after that. He then sits at home phoning random people to tell them he has been left on his own to suffer. Even persuading people to take him to a And e as he is dying, he's not just likes the fuss. And he is not yet at the stage where he needs help washing or is incontinent. He just needs coaxing to do things for himself. It is a 24/7 job with no days off no breaks, for both of us. Financially if you move in this will affect the calculations of benefits or funding of care for you MIL. Even if you have to give up work to look after her.
That is the reality, it's hard and horrible. But if I could change it I wouldn't. Only thing I would have changed is I would have come back years earlier. I feel such guilt that my mum"s last years were spent struggling to look after Dad. I had no idea how rough her life had been. I had asked my brother who lives closer to let me know if things were bad, but as he is still in denial he never did.
So be aware of the facts, expect that your life and your gfs life will be gobbled up. As somebody else said, it's not a sweet old lady with memory problems. It's like dealing with a very large toddler who is hell bent on getting their own way
 

kathrynjai1980

New member
Jul 7, 2023
1
0
Hi, I am in the exact same situation as yourself. Our house is up for sale and the plan was to sell my MIL house too and buy something for all of us, we have LPA and my husband is an only child. We are currently living full time with my MIL. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done, my husband feels guilty if we leave her but it is putting major strains on our marriage. My advice would be think long and hard, discuss openly with your GF, even if it hurts her, you need to be honest, you will make the right decision, having experienced this you have to be selfish. I was always very much against putting anyone in a care home, however now faced with the situation I feel it will be the only way to keep my MIL safe now, my husband knows it will happen but is very much in denial (understandable I know), all I know is this is going to break my marriage. Follow your heart, talk to your GF and maybe get her to talk to professionals who have years of experience to get support & advice. Thoughts are with you
 

Sonya1

Registered User
Nov 26, 2022
214
0
Don't do it, unless your relationship is absolutely rock solid and indestructible. My Dad has been highly challenging for the last 5-6 years until he went into nursing care a year ago. My Mum's life became one long round of caring for a man who became nasty, aggressive, doubly incontinent, non verbal, suicidal, who forgot how to eat, who paced the house for 20 hours out of 24, removed continence pants and smeared excrement on the floor...... it is HORRIBLE. She was only able to do this because of how much she loves him and because of the lifetime of love and happy memories they have behind them. And eventually, it still wasn't enough.
There is no way you would lead the life of a carefree couple making plans for your future together. There's no way to sugar coat it. It gets harder than anyone can possibly imagine.
The best compromise, as I see it, would be to live nearby, to be on hand to oversee the necessaries. Maybe stay over the occasional night, maybe care one or two days a week. But have somewhere for you both to go home to.
It's a very difficult position for you to be in but it might help if you were to encourage your girlfriend to join the forum and hear others' stories.
 

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