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Moving closer to family

Wishful

Registered User
Nov 28, 2014
78
My son and his partner want us to move closer to them so they can help with the care of my DH a bit more. They currently live just under two hours away, both work and have two children 12 and 8 so just popping in for half an hour is not something they can do.

We have no real ties with the area where we live and with my DH mobility and tiredness issues we don't get out. I have some friends here but he doesn't (we moved here to retire and dementia came before we had a chance to settle in).

Has anyone any experience of moving closer to family and did it work.
 

cumbria35

Registered User
Apr 24, 2017
70
My son and his partner want us to move closer to them so they can help with the care of my DH a bit more. They currently live just under two hours away, both work and have two children 12 and 8 so just popping in for half an hour is not something they can do.

We have no real ties with the area where we live and with my DH mobility and tiredness issues we don't get out. I have some friends here but he doesn't (we moved here to retire and dementia came before we had a chance to settle in).

Has anyone any experience of moving closer to family and did it work.
Think carefully, a few friends are better than. O friends
My son and his partner want us to move closer to them so they can help with the care of my DH a bit more. They currently live just under two hours away, both work and have two children 12 and 8 so just popping in for half an hour is not something they can do.

We have no real ties with the area where we live and with my DH mobility and tiredness issues we don't get out. I have some friends here but he doesn't (we moved here to retire and dementia came before we had a chance to settle in).

Has anyone any experience of moving closer to family and did it work.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,132
Scotland
Make a list

Do you like the area they live in better than the one you are in?

Is there access to dentist, doctor etc without you depending on them?

Are there shops and other facilities in the new area? Public transport?

What about care facilities eg daycare, social clubs, care homes?

If they moved on would you be happy in the new area?

How important are your friends to you!
 

Wishful

Registered User
Nov 28, 2014
78
Think carefully, a few friends are better than. O friends
Thank you. I think that's what's worrying me.
Make a list

Do you like the area they live in better than the one you are in?

Is there access to dentist, doctor etc without you depending on them?

Are there shops and other facilities in the new area? Public transport?

What about care facilities eg daycare, social clubs, care homes?

If they moved on would you be happy in the new area?

How important are your friends to you!
Thank you for this. All things I hadn't thought of. I can see I've got some serious thinking to do.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,785
Kent
Hello @Wishful.

My husband and I relocated to live near our son.

We also had a few friends where we lived originally but no family.

We both knew and liked the area but my husband found the move unsettling and very confusing.

It was the best move I could have made. I had the help and support I needed from our son. The bonus, even though my husband was very unhappy, was he never mistrusted or didn't know our son.

Now I am widowed I have made new friends and have local family support .
 

Wishful

Registered User
Nov 28, 2014
78
Hello @Wishful.

My husband and I relocated to live near our son.

We also had a few friends where we lived originally but no family.

We both knew and liked the area but my husband found the move unsettling and very confusing.

It was the best move I could have made. I had the help and support I needed from our son. The bonus, even though my husband was very unhappy, was he never mistrusted or didn't know our son.

Now I am widowed I have made new friends and have local family support .
Thank you. My husband changes like the wind, one day he wants to move the next he doesn't. We currently live in a house and we're planning on getting a stair lift but if we moved it would be a bungalow.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,030
London
Having family offering to help is great as that's not a given, but they are expecting you to uproot so you need to make totally sure you and they know what kind of help they are talking about here. Your husband will deteriorate and just popping in now and then to see how you are doing will not cut it. Have they got a concrete plan? Have they offered to take him to appointments for example or speak to Social Services for you? Are they going to help with practical, form-filling stuff like Attendance Allowance, LPA and council tax disregard? Are they going to look after Dad hours or days at a time so you could get respite? "Helping a bit more" is not detailed enough.

I think it would be a good idea to compare what kind of services are available in both areas, because even if you don't need them now, you will in the future - living close to a son who has his own family will not entirely make that obsolete.
 

Wishful

Registered User
Nov 28, 2014
78
Having family offering to help is great as that's not a given, but they are expecting you to uproot so you need to make totally sure you and they know what kind of help they are talking about here. Your husband will deteriorate and just popping in now and then to see how you are doing will not cut it. Have they got a concrete plan? Have they offered to take him to appointments for example or speak to Social Services for you? Are they going to help with practical, form-filling stuff like Attendance Allowance, LPA and council tax disregard? Are they going to look after Dad hours or days at a time so you could get respite? "Helping a bit more" is not detailed enough.

I think it would be a good idea to compare what kind of services are available in both areas, because even if you don't need them now, you will in the future - living close to a son who has his own family will not entirely make that obsolete.
Thank you. My gut instinct is that my daughter--in-law would. She had a grandmother with dementia band was also a care worker supervisor so knows what's involved. She is v good with DH and he does what she tells him without a fuss.
 

Risa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2015
481
Essex
If you are very close to your son and can rely on him then I would say family ties trump friendships when it comes to dealing with dementia. Sadly many friends drift away as the illness progresses and it is harder to meet up or have them visit. I agree with Beate though - if you are going to move your son does need to be committed to helping with the caring and making himself available.
 

Wishful

Registered User
Nov 28, 2014
78
If you are very close to your son and can rely on him then I would say family ties trump friendships when it comes to dealing with dementia. Sadly many friends drift away as the illness progresses and it is harder to meet up or have them visit. I agree with Beate though - if you are going to move your son does need to be committed to helping with the caring and making himself available.
Thank you. I don't have friends visiting DH doesn't like 'strange' people in the house. My life is lonely and at the moment only manage to get out and meet friends for a couple of hours once a week if lucky.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,860
Chester
when everything went pop with my mum my kids were 8 and 12 and I moved her up near me, she was a hoarder so house wasn't habitable, but if it had been she could have managed with support but it was 200 miles and a 3+ hour drive away.

It would have broken me if my mum hadn't been 10 minutes away, it has been hard enough as it is balancing the needs of family and my mum.

It is different in that you are caring for your OH, but it will be very hard for them to provide any support if you are that far away. It might be he won't cope with the children visiting but son and DIL can still visit you, even if it's for half an hour of conversation.

If you do move, you need to make sure that you try and build connections for yourself, eg go to church or find an art class or a book club or whatever your hobby is so you can make new friends. Local libraries and local papers often know what clubs are on.
 

Wishful

Registered User
Nov 28, 2014
78
Thank you. I'm quite sociable and would be happy to go to a knit and natter or card making group. DiL's mother is a widow and has also offered help and support.

I have slowly been decluttering and apart from DH's hobby stuff (he doesn't touch any of it now and couldn't even if he wanted to) we're fairly clutter-free. I've even digitalised photos so we don't have boxes full